Starting fresh...again.

How is that we always end up making resolutions but never actually following through and doing them? I really thought that when I started writing again, I'd keep up with it, but just like always, I never do. I guess I'm not really a consistent person. Or I'm just the kind of person that gets caught up and never finish one "thing." As much as I want to say I am very determine to get back into blogging again, there's a big chance that this could be my last first post, yet again. But we'll see.

I wanted to make a new blog, or just private all of my previous posts from before, but I realized, you can never start fresh completely. And what's the future without the past?

I've grown so much. At least in my opinion I have. Or I guess I can say...I've changed so much. A lot has happened to me over the past few years that have molded to be a completely different person. And this girl, the "new me," I don't know, I'm starting to really like her and rooting for her. I've always felt in a sense I was never good enough. Everyone has, right? But I felt like I wasn't good enough for the people around me, and the fact that I felt like I wasn't good enough, it showed. I felt unworthy so I acted unworthy. I felt weak, so I showed that I was weak. Even all those times I acted tough and thick-skinned, I was truly weak and I knew it. I didn't want to be the kind of person to have a front anymore. I wanted to be strong, not just acted strong. I truly, sincerely, wanted to be strong on the inside. And now, I feel like I am.

I've always thought to myself,"you know, if someone doesn't like who you are, what you do, what you look like, then that's on them. Don't feel bad about being yourself." I've always told myself that, and I've told many others the same thing. But did I believe it? No. I definitely did not. To say I believed the things I told myself and told others is a lie. Of course I cared. I didn't want to but I did. Because it was the people who I needed the most approval from that didn't like any of those things about me. And for the longest time I was stuck in between pleasing them and being myself. I tried weighing out both options and seeing which one was more worth it. What I realized after two-three years is that you can not please everyone, so for the most part, you can try to please yourself. I mean, in my mind I already knew that. But I didn't do it. I think that's where I lost myself because I lost the sense to be myself and I lost my beliefs. I was molded to be someone else's "perfect" idea of what a girl should be, and even then, I was far from perfect. Even then at that time I was still screwing up left and right. I mean, I never wanted to be perfect. I know I will never be perfect. But at least I could be imperfect in a way where I am still myself, not even more imperfect trying to be somebody else.

I've learned a huge lesson about self-worth and self value within the past year. I've learned not to let anyone make you feel small, not to feel unworthy, not make you feel like you have to be somebody else. I go around telling the world they should be themselves and be proud of who they are, but I wasn't. That's because I didn't know what power I had over my own life. I didn't know what it meant to love yourself. And I think by the end of the day, that made me more sad than anything. I think that made me feel more lonelier than anything in the world.

I contemplated, stressed, thought over and over, and one day I just decided I didn't want to be that girl anymore. I didn't want to be her. I wanted to be me. I hated being her. I know it's in my nature to be a people-pleaser and I think that's why it was so difficult to stand up for myself and for the things that I love and believe in because I know a few people who would disagree or frown upon the way I live my life and the way that I am. But I woke up one day and just pretty much say this isn't worth it. I didn't want to be her anymore. That girl was miserable. She didn't understand the beauty of power and freedom and simply living life, and most importantly, how to be happy.

It's hard to be someone that everyone will like. In this society it's even harder because all you want to do is fit in. Being weird was just "weird." It was uncool. Instead of embracing it and being confident about, I felt embarrassed instead. When you think of standing you pretty much think it means being alone. But it's an incredible thing to know now it's only for the mean time. You aren't the only one, and sometimes you will meet those who value and love the exact same things as you do. The moment you rejoice with those with similar interests and beliefs as you, those who dare to dream, those who inspire to aspire, those who truly bring out the best in you, those are the people you need to surround yourself with. It's definitely going to take a lot for me to truly learn to love myself, but not continuing to be someone else anymore is a start.