"What screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be."

I know I say that I don't care when people asks, but part of me, deep down, I really do. I know there's no rush or anything, and most of the time, I try not to rush things myself because I don't want to get attached or to seem needy, I don't want to seem clingy, I don't want to seem demanding, but I can't help that in the back of my head, I don't feel like it's going to go anywhere. I don't feel like I'm even a for sure thing. I know its been only four months, and although I know it's just a "title," I just can't help but wonder if I'm just waiting around for nothing to happen.

You know, I hate when society does that. They make us think that something is okay, so then we have to adapt to it and disregard all of our beliefs because we don't want to feel ashamed for feeling the way we do. We don't want to seem crazy so we try to convince ourselves that we're not entitled to be bother or to feel hurt. I never want to be ashamed of my feelings so I try not to have any.

I mean, there are days where I wake up and I don't even think about it. But when people ask me if I think it's ever going to happen, I don't know what to say. Supposedly it's going to happen, but I don't even know when. Four more months from now? A year from now? I haven't seen any signs of it happening except the reassurance words of,"I'm still trying to figure out ways to do it." But why something that natural has to take so much time? I know that it'd be nice for it to be perfect, but I don't want perfect. I want real. There's no better timing than right now. You wait too long and you put so much into it, and it's just going to tire you out. I try to tell myself that the longer you wait, the more worth it it is. I tell myself that maybe the reason why this relationship is working so well right now because it's not like the others. That doing things differently from the "usual" is exactly what I need in order to achieve different results. There's a reason why my relationships in the past failed, probably because they all started out the same way. I was never the girl who loves first, and it was others who pursued me. I try not to think that in this relationship, I'm the only one who tries to pursue the other. I have too much pride for that.

I don't think ever in my life I have ever let go of so much pride and ego for someone. Never have I cared more about being forgiven and forgiving than being right. That says a lot. But does that make me desperate for setting aside everything to make it work?

That's what I hate too. The questions you ask yourself, the answers you give yourself, the scenarios you make in your head and thinking it has already happened. I hate that. I hate being at war with myself.

Me and the handsome man :-*

It's crazy to think about it sometimes. How we wounded up together. We've been friends for so long, and that's all that we knew how to be to each other. But now, he's not just my good friend, he's this wonderful and kick ass guy I'm dating. We became a big part of each other's lives shortly this year due to the events in our lives that pulled us together. Sometimes when we're both laying in bed, he always talks about the day that started it all. Above and Beyond. Sometimes I tell him how surreal it all feels. Like, are we really doing this? Are we really trying? Are we really dating? It honestly does not get any realer than this. I haven't been this happy in such a long time, and at the same time, this has never felt so right.

After my relationship was over with my ex-boyfriend whom I was in love with. I was always skeptical of relationships, and I prided myself with being too proud for love, and being too independent to be in a relationship. I It so happens that my previous relationship with my ex recently, it just showed me what I did and did not want. After it ended, it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. With this relationship, I get so scared to be too happy so at times. That old part of me who wants to be on her own comes back. But Josh pulls me back and calls me out on all of my bullshit. I have NEVER had anyone that called me out on my bullshit and told me to trust them. He challenges me, and I think that's wonderful. I had to deal with a lot of unnecessary drama because of him, but in the end, it's all worth it. In the end, I got the person I want, and fortunately enough for me, they want me back.

Everyday that we wake up together, I am greeted by his presence and every night we fall asleep I am wrapped up in his arms. It's just so safe. The last thing I hear is his breathing or snoring. I don't mind it one bit having this guy snore in my ears as we spoon away into deep sleep. I don't mind it at all.

It scares me to be too happy...I am such a pansy because I'm afraid that if I get attached, I'll give him the power to hurt me. It took me awhile to realize, I'm not the only one who's putting my heart on the line. The days I spend being scared and fearing the unknown, the more time I'm wasting. He kind of makes being scared a journey, an adventurous journey I might add.

Like crazy♥

Sometimes, all it takes is one person to change your mind about everything you didn't believe in.

I know it sucks that in the past, I didn’t try the best of my ability to be the girlfriend that certain wanted me to be. I was always my own person, and did whatever I wanted to do based on my attitude and how I felt about that person. Not saying that’s who I generally am, or that’s the type of girlfriend I am and have always been, and always will be. I just think that different people bring out different sides of you, and sometimes, they bring out the best in you as well.

I cannot fathom how happy I’ve been lately. I also cannot fathom even more how afraid it makes me. I am afraid of being too happy, I’m afraid of getting used to this feeling because I don’t want to get too attach. The thought of having something then have it pulled out from right under you makes me want to take two steps back so I don’t end up getting hurt. I’ve always considered myself unlucky, but at the same time, completely blessed. The randomest unpredictable bullsh*t would always happen to me. And of course it scares the bajeezus out of me.

I’m not one to talk about my relationship to anyone. I like to keep my relationship with my significant other very private. I don’t like the idea of people knowing my business when it’s not their business, or knowing things I, or my significant other did not share with them. I feel like when people know a little, or too much of your relationship, it could either be a bad or a good thing. Most of the time, it’s bad though. I don’t really know anyone who speaks of another person(s) relationship in a good way, but I’m talking from personal experience. I guess it just matters about who you share and tell things to. The people whom I love and care for dearly in my life, and trust them, I don’t ever mind telling them about my relationship with Josh. For one, it’s because I’m so happy with him that I want to just tell someone about it, or share my happiness with the ones who care about my happiness in the first place.

He makes me want to put my pride aside, and not be scared to feel or sound stupid. I’m a really stubborn and prideful person, which I hate sometimes, but when I let someone in, when I let my guards down, it takes me a lot to do so. Although I’m scared for a lot of things, and what the future has to hold, every part of me doesn’t mind.

What-ifs and maybes,

I'm afraid to be too happy, of course I am. I don't want to get too used or attach to something because I know how it feels to have it one day then the next you don't. I've always prided myself with being too proud for love, and being on my own. I know I have to take some risks, and risk getting my heart broken if I want to achieve something beautiful. I'm just not sure if I want to put myself through that if it doesn't work out. I know, I know. There should not be any what-ifs, or maybes, but, I'm scared ya'know? I am so happy right now.

I've always considered myself unlucky. I'm one of those happy-go-unlucky people. Bad things happen to me almost all the time but I just shake it off. I know tough times don't last forever. But that's why I'm so afraid to be happy because I know it won't be for too long when everything I worked for will get pulled from right under me.

Pretending that I'm not scared has always been such an easy thing for me to do. For once though, I want to be scared and have someone tell me it's going to be okay without me having to convince myself that it will be.

Your hands in mine,

Sometimes life has a weird way of letting things fall into place. I know that timing is everything, but in certain situations, right now, in this moment, is the best time. I wouldn't have had it any other way<3

Embrace the chaos,

Although my eyes are tired, and weary due to lack of sleep, I'm trying to start my mornings early again so I don't feel so lazy sleeping in like a bum until 2 in the afternoon. Plus, I'm getting breakfast with my sisssy at 11, then taking my mum on a date to cut her hair and lunch :") I figured since I'm up anyway, I might as well take the opportunity to start blogging again.

Honestly, I think I used to blog more when I was troubled. I needed a place to put my thoughts and concerns, and as of lately, those concerns and worries all seemed to dissipate. I've been so happy lately, I don't even think to write or document the events in my life anymore. I just enjoy each and every moment everyday, and just live through my actions, and not through my words. I don't think there are enough words in the world to describe all the events in my life that have lead me up to this. Even if there are words, where do I even start?

At the beginning of this year, I already knew it was going to be a very good year. I didn't know how, or from what, but I knew that this year was going to be one of my best years. And not to my surprise, I am correct. I have never felt this blissful. The sad thing is that in order for me to be happy, I had to leave many things behind. My office job, my two year relationship, a few old friends, and a few bad habits. I don't want to say those things were the root of what made me happy, but I do realize now that I am happier without it. I honestly do think that getting rid of those things, made room for better things for me in my life now. I'm not saying those things never made me happy at some point, I'm just saying, people change, feelings change, and sometimes you don't want the same thing anymore.

I know there are some people who look at me and think that I'm the type that never cared, or didn't give a sh*t.They said I made it look so easy to walk away from all those things that was in my life. Honestly, it wasn't. But it was the best and right thing to do. I've always done what made others happy, I'm always constantly thinking about how to please others, and the thing is, because of that, I was unhappy with certain things for the longest time. I've always tried sososo hard to make myself happy, and yes, I was. I knew how to make myself happy when I was upset, I was always the happy girl, I never let things get to me, I had a smile on my face 24/7. It was completely unnatural though. No one should have to try that hard to make themselves happy when they could've easily just stop doing the things that made them unhappy in the first place. I woke up one day and I just knew that all of these things are not right for me and I should do something about it. So therefore, I said Sayanora. It was hard, but it was so bittersweet.

I never intended to break anyone's heart, let alone hurt anyone in general. It just happened. I beat myself up for the longest time not knowing what to do. I thought by staying I was doing the right thing but I ended up hurting more people than I was trying to save. And that sucks you know? unconsciously hurting someone that you cared about. At least I know better now. I can really say I've learned a lot, and I also learned how to treat people better. Most importantly, I learned how to treat myself, and my heart.

By the end of the day, I really do believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes for reasons we may not know of, but given time, it'll make sense. If not now, then eventually. I'm not saying the rest of our lives is predetermined for us already, I just think that things that happen are meant to happen one way or the other. Good or bad, it'll teach you and mold you for a better future and a better you.

Life is such a blessing, and have been too kind to me. I never felt completely content or happy with all the areas in my life. I've always had a great support system, my family are my rock, and I love them to death. Not until the beginning of this year, I became a lot closer to some people, and little did I know, they're the kind of friends I've been looking for my whole life. I guess I wasted time with a few wrong ones, but it only makes my friendships now much more valuable to me. I've always been picky with who I spend my time with/on, nowadays, I find myself completely lost in time. What can I say? Life has a weird way of unfolding.

Some things you’re not letting happen right now because the timing isn’t perfect for you. Some you’re not letting happen because you are very aware of where you are. But all things, as they are happening, are happening in perfect order. And if you will relax and begin saying, “Everything in its perfect time. Everything is unfolding. And I’m enjoying where I am now, in relationship to where I’m going. Content where I am, and eager for more,” that is the perfect vibrational stance.

-Abraham Hicks.

I'm letting my feelings get the best of me,

What the hell right?  I never have feelings. I never feel for anything. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's who I am, and I don't want that to change. I'm always sooo good at not letting people in, or even letting them pick a part of my brain. It's so difficult for me to be vulnerable with or to another person. Lately I've been  finding myself shedding away every inch of my pride. To me, no matter what, the risks is never worth it. I know I'm being completely scared and close minded, but that's the way it has to be. For now at least.

I want a lover that I don't have to love.

No, we weren’t lovers, but in a way we had opened ourselves to each other even more deeply than lovers do. The thought caused me a good deal of grief. What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for - and to do it so unconsciously.

- Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood.

New year, new changes, new me.

Within a month or so, my life has completel shifted in a whole 'nother direction. I knew this year was going to be a good one, but I sure did not know in which ways or even which areas was going to get better. I've always had things being done and becoming better on it's own, I always allowed the chips to fall where they may. But not until recently, I have finally gained some self-independence on my own. I quit my old 9-5 office job, for a job that allows me to interact with people daily, that also paid me more. Although slaving away sucks, I've never felt so proud of myself. Like I can actually say,"I know what hard work is." It's not going to be fun and pretty all the time, but that's what makes it much more worth it and rewarding as well.

Moving on, I also ended my long-term two year relationship. It was extremely hard and heart breaking to do, but it was the right thing to do. Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing is the same thing. I've felt sh*tty breaking up with people before, but not this sh*tty. You see, when you're going out with a perfectly good guy and all he does is treat you right, it's so hard to walk away. I didn't love him though, and that's why I ended it. He was right about everything he wanted, he was right about the person he wants to be with, he just wasn't right about me. Someday, one day, we'll both find someone who'll feel the same way and give the same amount of effort. We were two great people who came together and fell apart. It doesn't mean that we don't care about each other, it just means our part in each other's lives, as boyfriend and girlfriend is over. I like to believe that I did the right thing, for the both of us.

I never really had the time to focus on myself, let alone grow as a person or to become the person that I've always wanted to be. But I have that chance now and although I am scared, I'm also anxious and excited, and nervous, and happy, all at once just because I'm determined and driven to be where I want to be. It may take some time, even years, but it's okay. I will never stop having faith that things will fall into place for me, now even more, I will never stop having faith in myself and I will go for what I want and make it happen for myself. I just have to remember to stay positive, no matter what the situation is, and if I get knocked down, I'll get back up. If I get punch rich through the stomach, I'll get back up. If I get the wind kicked out of me, I'll get back up. Nothing worth it comes easy, but every once in awhile I should stop and smell the flowers as well. It's the big things that I'll keep working towards, but it'll be the little things that'll keep me moving forward. I am honestly blessed with the best.

Have faith, always.

My life,

Buying a million books on my Kindle but not starting on even one, going to the record store to browse through records that are way too expensive for me to afford, collecting movie and band posters for my room, collecting hippie buttons for no reason just to add it to my stash of hippie buttons, playing Call of Duty: Black Ops not sober, thinking about zombies when I go to bed, dreaming about zombies while I'm sleeping, daydreaming about zombies when I'm awake.

What is my life? Well, my life is great.

Truth is

I'm not the sappy, hopeless romantic girl I used to be. If you knew me now or have just met me, you wouldn't think that I knew what love is/was. You wouldn't think that I get my heart broken, you wouldn't think that I care or knew how to be affectionate. But you're completely wrong. I was that girl, I used to be that girl, but of course things happen and you change. You build walls to keep people out, instead of bridges to let them in.

“I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it’s hard to stay mad when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once and it’s too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst. And then I remember to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

Somebody that I used to know,

Changes,

Whenever I tell people I don't like eating meat, 95% (true fact) of their response is,"Why? Are you allergic...?" No...not liking it is a choice. I'm considering becoming a pescetarian again. I've done it for 3-4 years before, but started eating meat again because my hair stopped growing and I myself, also stopped growing. Now that I'm older I know that there are things I could substitute to get the same amount of protein and iron =) At the time, I didn't really get the support I needed to follow through in the long-run considering that I was always underweight and was constantly lectured by my mom about how important meat is. Also, from almost every single person that I encounter, was friends with, and my relatives. I don't like meat because I've never been fond of the taste, even as a kid, so I've always eaten everything but meat. One of the main reasons I chose to follow through even more with becoming a pescetarian/vegetarian at the time was because my love for animals, which is a very big part of why I don't want to eat animals anymore. I really am so used to eating seafood so I can't find myself giving it up completely, but maybe I can really do this.

Of course I know about the "circle of life," I know that our bodies need protein, I know that just because I'm not eating a piece of steak doesn't mean that another cow's life is spared. I know, I know, I know. But this a choice that I feel is right for me.

JenniferAnne xx

Happiness in all different shapes and forms,

It has always dawned on me whether or not I was a good person. Or further more of the question, am I good enough? Of course everyone at one point of another felt as if they were not good enough. I've always believed that you should try your best to your ability and full potential, but I often times find myself so lazy and inadequate with my goals, and basically changes that I want in my life that I fall short. I have also always believed that you should be the change you wish to see in the world. Yet, I never push myself to the limit and my fullest potential.

You see, I'm more of a free spirit. Not the 'I-don't-give-a-rat's-ass' type, just more of a 'I-do-what-makes-me-truly-happy' type. A lot of people always wonder, or see me as the happy-go-crazy kind of girl and the thing is, I enjoy being nutty, I enjoy being weird, I enjoy being me. But sometimes I wonder, is being me enough? Is being happy and carefree enough? I'm not saying I disregard my responsibilities. What I'm trying to figure out is, is it wrong to be happy just being? If that makes any sense. What if it doesn't make sense but it makes you happy? I guess you can also say there's a borderline of doing what's right, what's wrong, and what makes you happy. What if you're happy but you didn't reach your full potential? Should you just let everything go and just be happy or still go forth and do everything you're still supposed to do?

I love just simply being, I love not knowing sometimes. I'm not saying that I don't have any plans for myself, because I do, I have big plans for myself. I just wonder sometimes if there is anything wrong or if it's possible simply doing nothing, being nothing, having nothing, and still be happy.


JenniferAnne xx

Inhale, exhale

2012 has been treating me really well. Honestly, it's crazy how fast time flew by. I was conntemplating recently if I should make a new Blogspot or not just because I want to kind of leave the past, or whatever was on here, behind. Officially. I mean, I did with Xanga and that was a whole other part of me. I light-weighted to Tumblr but came back here majority of the time for more personal use, but I somewhat want to just start off with a clean slate. I have a lot, and I mean a lotttttt of memories on here but sometimes,"you can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading old ones." I know I have tad bit of a problem with the past. I like to bring it up, reminisce about it, and, or cling onto it. Sometimes, really, all you need to do is just let go and accept things for what it used to be and for what it is now. Easy as that.

Sayanora 2011, alooo 2012! =)

2011 was not my best year, but it was a good year overall. Every year, every day I mean, you're always learning, you're always growing, you're always hurting, and you're always healing. When it all comes down to it, it's not what scarred you that you'll look back on, it's your attitude and how you pulled through that matters the most. And if anything, if in the moment it was complete sh*t, for the most part you can laugh about it years later.

I've come a long way from how I used to be. I used to be less opened about things, I used to not be able to be honest with myself about my feelings, therefore, I wasn't honest with that many people. I still am a private person, but I'm slowly but surely letting those who are worth it in my life. I'm still the exact same girl with some of the same habits and I'm still the same person I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago. But a lot about me has changed too. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's for the better or for the worse; sometimes it doesn't feel much of a difference. All I know is that for the first time in my life, I am sure of where I want to be in life. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something for myself and I'm striving for my own happiness. I'm not thinking about what that person wants, what this person thinks of me, I'm not thinking about anyone else but myself. And for the first time ever, I am content with the thought of being selfish.

This year, I want to be able to make a difference, make a change, not only in my lifestyle but me as a whole. I want to be the best version that I can be, and better myself every single day to the best of my ability. I understand that a new year doesn't mean it's a new clean slate. The problems you had in 2011 doesn't just go away unless you do something about it. Just because it's a new year, doesn't mean that everything else is forgotten. But you can have a new attitude. I've always been known to be the positive, life-affirming, optimist. Mainly because I've always been positive to others, but now, I need to learn how to be positive to myself as well. I am given the opportunity and chance everyday to do something that I've always wanted to do. A chance to be brave, a chance to be courageous, a chance to do things I've never done before, and I know that I'm more lucky than mosts who don't even have the option. I'm going into 2012 with a more positive attitude than ever, and in the future, if there are certain obstacles that I find hard to face, I'll just have to fight through it and hope for the best. Life's too short to be scared, life's too short to be anything but happy.

Carpe Diem xx