"What screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be."

I know I say that I don't care when people asks, but part of me, deep down, I really do. I know there's no rush or anything, and most of the time, I try not to rush things myself because I don't want to get attached or to seem needy, I don't want to seem clingy, I don't want to seem demanding, but I can't help that in the back of my head, I don't feel like it's going to go anywhere. I don't feel like I'm even a for sure thing. I know its been only four months, and although I know it's just a "title," I just can't help but wonder if I'm just waiting around for nothing to happen.

You know, I hate when society does that. They make us think that something is okay, so then we have to adapt to it and disregard all of our beliefs because we don't want to feel ashamed for feeling the way we do. We don't want to seem crazy so we try to convince ourselves that we're not entitled to be bother or to feel hurt. I never want to be ashamed of my feelings so I try not to have any.

I mean, there are days where I wake up and I don't even think about it. But when people ask me if I think it's ever going to happen, I don't know what to say. Supposedly it's going to happen, but I don't even know when. Four more months from now? A year from now? I haven't seen any signs of it happening except the reassurance words of,"I'm still trying to figure out ways to do it." But why something that natural has to take so much time? I know that it'd be nice for it to be perfect, but I don't want perfect. I want real. There's no better timing than right now. You wait too long and you put so much into it, and it's just going to tire you out. I try to tell myself that the longer you wait, the more worth it it is. I tell myself that maybe the reason why this relationship is working so well right now because it's not like the others. That doing things differently from the "usual" is exactly what I need in order to achieve different results. There's a reason why my relationships in the past failed, probably because they all started out the same way. I was never the girl who loves first, and it was others who pursued me. I try not to think that in this relationship, I'm the only one who tries to pursue the other. I have too much pride for that.

I don't think ever in my life I have ever let go of so much pride and ego for someone. Never have I cared more about being forgiven and forgiving than being right. That says a lot. But does that make me desperate for setting aside everything to make it work?

That's what I hate too. The questions you ask yourself, the answers you give yourself, the scenarios you make in your head and thinking it has already happened. I hate that. I hate being at war with myself.