"How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?"

One of my favorite movies, ever. Hands down, it was amazing. I loved every. bit. of. it. Not your typical "chick flick" or even a chick flick at all. It was so raw and so real. Something a lot of movies lack. Ryan Gosling never cease to amaze me in almost every film he's in. This has got to be one of his best though.

"They say that time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself."

I'm slowly but surely adapting to a new lifestyle (kind of, not really) and trying to keep up with the positive attitude. I told myself (many, many, many times) that I really want to change my attitude and be better, and I am determined to do so. Now, writing about it can be convincing to a certain extent, but, this is also a reminder. Just in case I forget, because sometimes...I really do let things get the best of me and I forget to focus on myself and my well-being.

I really don't know what got into me, but I became a complete wreck and a negative nancy in such a short amount of time. Before this, I can say I was always happy. I've always been the girl who knew how to smile, even when I was hurting inside. I'm known to be optimistic, and a great listener. For some reason, I never take my own advice though. I was completely out of character, and wasn't myself, and I don't know what it was. I can't exactly put my finger on it. I can say insecurity issues, but then again, everyone is insecure about something. I'm still trying to figure it out, and I'm still trying to figure myself out day by day.

I want to be the bestest version of myself that I can ever be. I want to be great. I want to be amazing. I can't help but owe it to the people who are still in my life. I appreciate them sososo much, my family, my friends who still sticks around, and especially my boyfriend. I know I don't say it enough, but a lot of times, when I'm feeling crappy about myself, my boyfriend's the one who makes me realize that I'm fine just the way I am. He sees me in ways I didn't ever think anyone can see me or look at me, or even think of me that way. I guess sometimes you need someone other than yourself, to help you realize you're doing a good job just being you. I've had guys tell me the same thing, but it matters more when it's coming from someone that actually cares so much about you. I've been bitter, sad, mad over things that I had no control over, for way too long, and I'm ready to let it go and not let it control me anymore. I'm ready to just breathe and take these weight off of my shoulders. I don't know why I made it my responsibility to make everyone happy, because it sure made me unhappy. So I'm learning to put myself first as well.

I've always lived by,"life's too short to be anything but happy," and I'm going to stick to it for the rest of my life. I'm not going to say that from here on out, everything is going to be perfect, or I'm going to try and make things perfect, but for the most part, I'm really going to try and just be happy for myself. No more sulking in the past and letting it spoil my present/future, no more being sad because I couldn't make someone happy, no more being mad at the "friends" who don't even care to answer back, no more being bitter at the things that didn't go right. Every single thing happens for a reason, and I know from the bottom of my heart that I've already been blessed with the best. No matter how bad a situation can get, I will always have faith.

All you need is love,

I hate eating meat but I lovelovelove bacon and hot dogs. (Photos were taken by me, from my nice daily trip to LA with my sissy, Rye, and Bub.)

Life has been eventful lately. My mentality has changed in a matters of weeks from a lazy bum to explorer of the world. Or at least that's what I want to be like. Over the past week, my life has consisted of: hiking, Kaylee's graduation, my mom's at-home Boiling Crab dinner, fattening but oh so pleasurable Pink's hotdogs, visiting my favorite art galleries, delicious blue velvet and macaroon icecream sandwiches, Griffith Observatory, a new tattoo, ramen + beer pong, the Bun's family barbecue, New Kids VI for Deuces Wild exhibition, and Red's going away right after, ALL IN ONE WEEK. So Sunday was a definite given for me to bum it all day and doing absolutely nothing at all. It felt awesome. I slept in, ate breakfast at 6 PM, watched Tosh.O and Jackass in memories of Ryan Dunn♥ and bummed it some more. I missed home and my dog dearly, though.

Back at work today, and going to Disneyland right after. The perks of having a pass and living 10 minutes away from the happiest place on Earth is going whenever you want, even if it's just for a few hours. In a few hours, a Dole Float and a clam chowder bowl shall be in my tummy :') Then attempting to wait in line for Star Tours! Let's hope it's not too hot today, because I cannot afford to get sunburn. Time to finish up my work.

Au Revoir! xx

lonewolf,

Sometimes you get that rush of sadness out of nowhere. Sometimes you don't even know why, or sometimes it's because everything just built up and one little thing completely tipped you over. Sometimes when I'm hurt, people don't even know it. They don't even know the immensity of how heavy my heart is feeling. It's because I never show it. I never show any kind of weakness...at least I try not to. I'm all that I got, and I'm the only person I have to hold me up when times are tough.

In my opinion, you should only be vulnerable around people you trust, people who deserves that privilege. And maybe because I don't trust many, or anyone at all, I've always been vulnerable by myself. I never depended on anyone to cheer me up, or to understand how bad my day was and completely drop everything in the world to be there just for me. I think it's the fact that I have expected that from people before, from friends/boyfriends/family, and they've failed me multiple times to show that they really care.

When I care about someone, I care about them so much I feel like I can die for them. I feel like I can feel the pain they're going through. I just want to wipe all of their tears away. When I care for someone, I really care for them. But sometimes, I think I care a little bit too much. When in return, I don't get as much as I put out. Then it leads me to not care anymore, to not care in general, then I stop caring about everyone in general even the ones who cares about me. I don't want to blame the people who never really cared about me for the way I am, but, I think certain situations and things just sticks with you and it molds you and makes you the way you are.

Day by day I slowly stop caring, and I try very hard to just focus on myself and care about my well-being. I feel like over the years, I've become less attached to things, and I don't let anything get to me anymore. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, I'm not saying I don't cry sometimes, but that is life; as cliché as it sounds. People will move on with or without you. They will go down different paths, and so will you. You cannot force people to be there or to stay in your life. If you do, I sure hope you know they're only doing it because they feel obligated, not because they really want to. I do have a number of people, who do care about me. I'm not going to let the fact that I have some people in my life who doesn't care make me forget the fact that I do have people who care so much for me. And for that, I am blessed to have those by my side to hold my hand, behind me to push me forward, in front of me to guide me. For that, I will not change a thing about my life, even if it's negative. For that, I am forever grateful to be where I am today.

Too tired to be inspired,

I've been feeling pretty down and uninspired lately. I don't know what it is, I've been feeling out of place. I guess you can say it's one of those days...boy do I hate those days. I refused to go out or to meet up with friends all day. I took my mom to run errands in the morning and had a nice lunch, but horrible Asian food, with her. Bought V for Vendetta and The Italian Job, my favorites. Was planning to watch it when I got home but I koed from 5-11 PM. I've been lacking sleep without even realizing how tired I actually was. I honestly thought that I had so much energy that I can go on for days running on three to four hours of sleep, but little did I know, I started to crash slowly. Thursday night when I was supposed to go to the lounge for one of my old friend's birthday with some old faces, I basically knocked out in the car. Didn't even make it inside. How embarrassing is that? To finally see your friends again and then crashing the minute you got to the club. I've never been drunk, so it wasn't that, I just started to feel so sleepy in the ride there. Afterward was Timmy's surprise dinner that I put together for him, and I was sleeping at the table. Let's just say, never again will I let myself go days without sleeping.

I need to realize how important my body is to me. I mean, I do, but I don't take good care of it as much as I used to. I used to be such a health freak, and now I'm just a lazy bum. My friends make fun of me all of the time and say I'm a fat man stuck in a little girls body. I honestly think that I take advantage of my body because I know that I won't get fat or anything. I'm sort of contemplating whether I should become a vegetarian again, though. I enjoyed it before, but I was lacking so much iron that my hair didn't grow, I couldn't (still can't) donate blood, and I hate going out to eat with friends. Even now I still don't like meat and I feel bad when my friends want to work around what to eat just for me. On the otherhand, I'm pretty open-minded so I would try anything and everything at least once to decide if I like it or not. I have a lot of new things I'd like to try this Summer.

The only thing that have been making me feel inspired is traveling posts. Just the thought of it is bliss. I just want to travel already and go out there and see the world! So I thought, maybe I can do something different this Summer. Travel more + visit new food joints and actually document my experiences. Two of my favorite things to do, eat and travel. I'm kind of egggcited. I do take pictures of what I eat, etc, but, I want to visit places that are one of kind and out of the ordinary. I've been to numerous of restaurants and food joints that was either a miss for me, or I end up adoring the place so much I go to it so often until I get sick of it. I want an unforgettable Summer, an amazing one.

My adventure starts now.

"I like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it?"

Yeah, I'm sitting here, with my feelings hurt. I guess because I allowed myself to feel this way. But the thing is, I never allow myself to feel anything for too long. When it comes to me and relationships, it's so easy for me to not care. I don't know. It just is. I became like this right after Kevin and I broke up. I think for the fact that with our relationship, I cared way too much that it's like an impulse thing to immediately not care now because I don't want my relationship to fail like my past one. I try to do the exact opposite of my old relationships, but somehow, I still end up getting the same results.

If I think that someone is lacking something and not truly living up to their potential as a boyfriend, then why should I waste my time, you know? I will never convince someone that I am worth the trouble, or that I am enough. Because I know I am more than enough. I shouldn't have to ask for attention, because it should be a given. I'm not like those girls that says stuff like,"if you love me you'll do this, you'll do that, etc." I don't need you to surprise me everyday, bring me flowers, reassure me our relationship through Facebook comments. I just need to know that I'm not alone in this. I've always felt as if I was alone in a relationship, like I'm the only one who shows that they care and show that they want it to work. Even though I'm the "careless" one. As tough and careless as I am, I do put my pride aside and SHOW that I care. And that for me, is one of the hardest thing to do but I do it anyway.

Don't hate other guys for trying to make me happy just because they're doing what you're not. Man, I suck at relationships and knowing what I want.

I guess it's back to not sleeping...

I haven't been sleeping for the past couple of days. Or not sleeping as much as I want to. It started with me staying up 'til 8 AM to watch Xmen episodes, then gradually, I would try to find anything to make me stay awake. I honestly think that I'm at war with sleep. I don't want to give into it and let it win. I know, I'm weird. I just feel as if there's so many things for me to discover! And rather than sleeping, I can be unraveling things right now. Even if I'm in my own room. A new book, a new location, recipe, events, something new. Like sleep can be such a waste of time sometimes.

Surprisingly, I'm not as tired as I thought I would be though. I still manage to wake up early in the morning to go to Disneyland and come home exhausted, yet still stay awake 'til 4 or 5. I worked earlier this morning too, and I remember being dead tired, yet I'm still wide awake. Might I add, I'm hungry and craving pizza as well. Perfect timing, right? But I've already brushed my teeef, and now I'm just watching short zombie films. I say I hate zombies and I'm scared but I'm just so darn interested in it. I've already made plans on how to survive if it was to happen.

By the way, I finally went to the gym yesterday night. Did the usual two mile walk on the treadmill. If you know me then you'd know that I do not and will not ever run. At least not at my own will. I have tried running a few times, but I get tired quickly. Normally, I'll pretend that the treadmill is a runway...I tried keeping up with a minimal jog yesterday, so I just kept telling myself I'm running away from zombies. Little did I know, I started daydreaming about it, and then pretended that some of the people working out were zombies and pretended to shoot them. Hand motion and everything...my mind wanders sometimes. I can get so caught up without even realizing it. And I've been playing too much Black Ops.

That's what I do. I daydream in bed and I play scenarios in my head or things that I wish to happen, and it just keeps going on and on and on until I fall asleep. Sometimes it takes hours. If I'm lucky I'll fall asleep within two hours of laying in bed, other times, I lay there for about 6 hours until the sun comes up then suddenly my body gives in and I finally fall asleep.

I wonder if a zombie apocalypse is possible, but no one dies. Everyone just continues to live, and never ever die. I wonder how that will work...we'll all be zombies then, right? Sometimes I wish mutants were real. Without the bad villains and all. I want to be Rogue! Not the pansy one in the real Xmen movies played by Anna Paquin. The legit, badass one in Marvel Xmen. Or I'm always hoping to witness a meteor falling from the sky, and I run to it, and just by touching it it'll give me super powers. That'd be so awesome.

Time to try and get some shut eye, if not, at least daydream some more until I fall asleep. Gooosenye world xx.

And it was like my heart was breaking,

and I knew it was happening...but I just didn't know why.

I am consistently inconsistent.

One day I can like you.

The next, I can honestly care less.

It doesn’t bother me really. I learn to not become attach to people, I learn to not have such high expectations when it comes to relationships, friendships, etc. Yeah, it’s the whole cliché ‘if you never expect anything, you’ll never be disappointed’ ordeal. I really just go with the flow and whatever happens happens. I’m not going to get worked up and argue, or be upset, I’m just going to stop caring. That’s how I’ve always been and that’s how I will always be. If one day I wake up and just feel like leaving and not being there anymore…all I can say is I have a change of heart. It’s not fair, but we’re not talking about fairness here. We’re talking about being true to our feelings. If we don’t want to stay, if we just stop feeling something, we can’t force ourselves to nor should we ever just settle for less because our mind says so.

I never allow myself to need anybody. Ever.

“If you carry your childhood with you, you never become older.”

I feel as if Summer is basically everyday for me. I mean, its never been any different. I never allow schedules and priorities to get in the way of me doing things that I like and enjoy. I feel as if everyone should always do what they like, just because they deserve it, and you feel more at eased when you're able to do your work and have fun at the same time. I do believe in working hard now and playing harder later, like why can't you just have your cake and eat it too? I guess it's also because I don't have an ultimate strict schedule like most that forces me to stray away from doing things I enjoy, and for that, I love my life. Ha ha.

Johnson and I have been annual passholders for merely a year now, and will be two years soon! :') Best investment ever. The thing about me is that I can be pretty old fashion. I love almost everything from my childhood and I try to keep it alive as much as possible. No matter how much older I get. Cinderella is still my favorite Disney princess, although, I'm not the princess type. I still adore 101 and 102 Dalmatians more than ever, and every time I go to Disneyland I just feel so at home. I thank my dad and mom for that, for taking us to Disneyland at such an early age and filling our cabinet with Disney classic movies. The Little Mermaid ride just came out and I'm more egggcited than ever to go on it! I'm really taking advantage of having a pass, and I've been going at least two times a week with friends, and Johnson =)

Catching up with old friends is always the best too. There are certain friends where you haven't seen them in years, but you can pick up where you left off and nothing has changed. I value those friendships the most. Life has been so good to me. I'm blessed with the very best.

Happy birthday to the beautiful Marilyn Monroe,

She is my idol, my inspiration, everything I've always wanted to be since I was a little girl. When I think about what she has accomplished, I just want to be exactly like her. She is sexy, confident, empowering and independent and one day, I'm going to have the world at my feet just like she did. Rest in peace.