restless,

Just the other day Kim said to me, "this is going to be your rebellious teenage years." I really thought it was funny how she would even say I'm rebellious because no one ever looked at me as bad, maybe a wild child but I still have my innocence of youth. Everyone pretty much know/think I'm a good girl though, and I finally know why she said that. I guess when Tiffy told me what her fortune teller told her, she left out the part where I was brought up. Honestly, I'm not scared though. I'm not going to stop living my life, nothing can stop me from just being myself. I am going to take it in consideration though and take cautious and be aware, I know everyone is just watching out for me and everyone is scared but like I said, the future is always changing and I can't be scared to live; otherwise what is the point of living?

All I am is happy these days, well that's all I ever try to be. But with that happiness comes other things that isn't too far away. I worry, I get scared, I'm always curious, I get hurt, I love, I hate, I'm blissful...but in the end I truly am blessed.

I went dancing with Diana the other day at The Leon Lounge (yes, I know, you're laughing or possibly even giggling and 'LOL-ing') but she was leaving to Oakland and she wanted to go since we know the people there. I really wanted her to have a fun night out with me because she really deserves it. I love my friends, honest to Buddha, I want them to be happy and I want what is best for them. I admit though, I felt like a big hypocrite for going there because all I did was make fun of it but I actually had fun. We both really made the best out of everything and it was one of the most funnest nights we had together =) Cold Flames (Cold Flamez? Gold Flamez?!) was there, one of them was really cute so we got a picture with him =) We kept dancing until our legs felt like they were falling off. I didn't dance with anyone else but Diana and the girls, I guess because I was in a relationship for two years and I didn't dance with anyone else so I felt like I didn't want to dance with any guys at all. The whole night Diana and I were together, she seriously is my one of a kind, partner in crime, girlfriend til the very end, lover & twin<3

Kat and Dotty came over yesterday, we were supposed to have a spa day but we ended up just pigging out in my kitchen and talking forever. I'm so excited for my tattoo now and our concert in September. Also going on a cruise for Kat's birthday. I look at my friends or other people and I feel sooo blessed to be really family oriented. My family is seriously my mainsqueeze and I wouldn't have it any other way.

"You guys are lesbians? Is that why you didn't want to dance with us?"

"Yeah, we're really faithful to each other."
HA HA HA HA HA, I love her<3

New tattoo idea? TOTALLLLLLY KIDDING.Now this is more like it...okay I'm totally kidding even more.

goldinuniverse.com

Name: Jennifer Anne Nguyen
Date: 7/29/2009
Colorgenics Number: 34056217


Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

Rejection is what you fear the most and it is this fear that makes you unapproachable. You are looking for acknowledgment and above all looking for people who can appreciate you for who and what you are.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

It would seem that an existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory and you feel that there is little that you can do about it without 'some help from your friends', but you have no desire to show the world how vulnerable you really are and therefore you consider it inadvisable to display affection or be over demonstrative. You regard this particular relationship as a depressing tie and although you would like to be independent and unhampered, you don't want to run the risk of losing anything. All this leads you to react 'touchily' and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness and stress. Your ability to concentrate may suffer.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.


On the real, this is amazingly accurate and all true.

my life would be easy,

I seriously love them to deaffffffffffffffth! <3333333

Tiffy's birthday party on Saturday was a huge major success! I had sooo much fun, honest to Buddha, everything was all worth it. I love my cousins and most of all my sisters. I really love the fact how family oriented I am, they really are everything to me. It was good to see my some of my sister's old friends again and everyone said I really grew up =) I'm glad to say, I am not a light weight drinker! My new love=Mike's Hard Lemonade, I had like 3 of it that night, and I think about 47928742974 jello shots and a lot of other drinks. My fridge now has like million beers, that means, BEER PONG. And it's cute because I have this glass case in my house, and it has wine in it so Tiffy and I put the rest of the liquor in there and it looks really cute for some reason =) We're going to throw an end of the Summer party and then two more months it's my 17th birthday. I really ended up having so much fun and it made me realize how much I hate going to random parties and that I'm glad I never got caught up with partying. Dotty and Kat sleptover that night and the next morning I didn't get a hangover =) I would really hate to ever get one, so far none yet. Woke up early and ate leftover party food and then went to their house to swim. It was probably one of the bestest weekend yet.

Then yesterday morning I had about two hours of sleep. I slept at 6 AM and woke up around 8 AM to go to court for the guys' trial. I really couldn't sleep, all I was thinking about was them and how I was going to see them again. When I got to there, Connie and Khoi's mom was waiting for me. I really love Khoi's mom because although I'm just Khoi's friend, she makes me feel like her daughter somehow. Their trial ended up being postponed. As I walked out, all I did was cry. I felt like such a big baby but I really couldn't hold it in. I haven't seen them for the longest time and all I wanted to do was see them. I know I can visit the other guys but because I'm not one of their closest friends, I don't want to waste a visit, while someone really close to them can go visit them instead. I had so much emotions rushing through me. I really hope things will eventually look up for them soon. Got to have faith<3

So for my sister's birthday, one of her friend took her to a fortune teller. When she told Kim and I what the lady told her, everything made sense. The scary part was how accurate everything she said was. Honestly, I wouldn't go to a fortune teller because I don't want to know what my future is going to be like. Not only that but if I was to know something bad is going to happen, I don't want to live my life everyday scared. Right now, I know everything sucks for my family but I'm not ever going to give up. Being cursed or having bad karma, whatever it is, I'm always going to fight until the very end and hopefully I will win. Like they said, the future is always constantly changing. One small decision can affect everything and I know for sure that if I'm not happy with something, I can change it. If it's not the future I want, I will change it. I'm not going to stand around and let bad things happen and not do anything about it. I really have faith in myself and I know that everything will get better. I just know it.

still on my feet,

One more day until tiff's birthday party! I really can't wait. All the cleaning, cleaning the backyard, the house, my room, the lawn, the grass, everrrrrything! And yet it's not over with because I still have to cook tomorrow, run more errands, go to the dentist and try to get my hair done. Sososo much to do in so little time. I'm so tired and physically drained but once everything is done I can finally relax and have some fun. Surprisingly I'm still sane. I've never planned a birthday party before with a bunch of people and I never had the responsibility of being the one to get everything done. It makes me can't wait for my 17th birthday this year because I want it to be really big! =) And knowing my ohana, it's going to be sooo fun.

I couldn't visit Phoenix today for his birthday because I had so much to do but for sure I am going to visit him tomorrow and drop off his card. Even until this day, when I talk about him, it still makes me want to cry my heart out. I really wish some people took in this experience and realize what life is all about and not to grieve on what doesn't matter or the little things. Life's about living and learning and most of all, moving forward. There's nothing you can do about life, you can't stop it, you can't slow it down, you just have to enjoy the ride while you still can because anything can happen. I learn to appreciate the people in my life and I choose to not dwell on those who don't matter. Even if I end up not being friends with the people I was friends with, I'm not going to be immature towards them, I'm not going to resent or even spite them. For me, they were once my friend and I know if anything were to ever happen to them or to me for that matter, I wouldn't want a day to wake up and regret the decisions I've made. I will still respect them if they give me the same treatment because in the end, we are all human and we're all looking for one main thing in our life, a reason to be happy. I truly appreciate my friends, my sisters and most of all my mom for everything. I may not have everything life, just the things to be happy.

happy birthday,

to my dear friend Phoenix Anh Viet Nguyen. I miss you so much, I honestly wish you were here. You will forever remain in my heart and I love you<3

I've been so overwhelmed lately with planning Tiffy's birthday party. All I've been doing is running errands and cleaning the house and the gigantic backyard. I passed up grunion running earlier tonight with the guys because I was being a homebody. I realized how much I love being at home so much sometimes. All I did was blast up Blink 182, The Ting Tings and Taking Back Sunday sooo loud and danced all night. I felt like so much weight lifted off my shoulders. It was relaxing and I think because all of the blood rushed through my head and made me so excited for the concert this September. I felt complete for some odd apparent reason, I was so blissful.

Yesterday was really fun. Went bowling with Gina, Tam, Pat and Son =) Ran into Kevin and his family there, which was the first time I saw him since graduation. What made it more awkward was that our lane ended up being next to theirs. Apparently our screen didn't work so we had to change lanes though. The whole night we just drank and bowl, I kept dropping the ball every time I attempt to throw it. Sadly I lost against everyone but I beat Tam because, well, he reallllllllly sucks =) Afterward Pat and Gina headed home, Tam, Son and I headed to Seaside which made it my second night in a row. Got croissants and walked on the beach. I loved the water because it wasn't as cold but I'm sick so I didn't want to swim both nights. I'm feeling so much better though but my wisdom teeth is growing out even more so my gums are getting really swollen. Got home around 3 and danced with kim then talked until we both fell asleep.

For some reason when I saw him, I was really happy and I just wanted to talk/hug him. Then I remember, I couldn't. We're not best friends, matter of fact we're not really even friends at all. I really just want us to be friends again, but I know how selfish I'm being by wanting him to talk to me and be my friend right away. I know I'm acting like it's so easy when it's not that simple. There's a voice that always pulls me back saying,"You moved on, he moved on. You both are different people now. Get on with your life." That voice...that voice in my head that always fight against my heart. That voice always over powers my feelings inside and it wants me to be mad at him, it wants me to list all of the cons of what went wrong, it makes me want to remember why we ended, how bad he treated me, who he really is now. Yet, my heart tells me that's my best friend. That's a great person with a great heart, who honestly is right for me, but at the wrong time. And then I'm back to square one. I know I miss him because I was so used to him being in my life. I look at Summer this year and compare it to last year and I see how everything drastically change. I admit, I do love being alone though. I'm the better me, I'm the best that I can actually be. I just want to be by myself and with no one else. I don't have time to be in a relationship, I'm just not ready to give my heart to anyone. Maybe he still has it? I don't know. Because I know I'm not in love with him anymore but I still really love him as a person. I guard my heart so much that I don't even know what to feel about love anymore. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I don't know how to love someone again, or how to start liking someone again, or even have a crush on someone because no one is worthy of my time. Everyone I meet are all the same, same mentality, same front.

"Women marry men hoping to change them,
men marry women hoping they won't ever change."
-Cosmopolitan.

I thought that was really cute =)

word,

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect-you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break-her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

-my man, Bob Marley♥

walking in circles,

I keep finding myself walking on this road where it leads to nowhere but back to where I started. It seems to me that I have two paths but I choose not to take any of them. I don't know if it's because I'm afraid to pick one or because I'm not ready to make any decisions yet. I really wish I knew exactly what is going to happen right now, but I don't. I've never been more uncertain about something in my life. I like not knowing where I'm heading but there are a few things I am so desperate to find out how it's going to end, or even begin. I want to know if we are going to be okay. I have so many reasons to not care but then I find myself looking for at least one reason to give a shit. I have so much going on for me right that I know I shouldn't even put a thought on anything that won't benefit me. I have so much to do in so little time that I just want to get everything out of the way or have all the pieces fall together already. I'm just going to focus on myself and really do what I got to do.

One of the things I dislike most in a person is them constantly making plans with me and never having any follow throughs. It just makes me disappointed and I don't ever want to hang out with them, ever, because I don't want to waste my time making time for others when they are just inconsiderate.

Catching my breath,

I'm mentally happy but I've been physically drained.

I've been sick ever since I got back from Diana's house. I knew that all of the going out late at night and not eating daily would eventually catch up to me. I'm trying to stay home more often though, I mean I already do but stay home at night because I should start sleeping early. I heard so many 'I told you so' before but I'm determine to actually do it. I've been feeling so physically weak, I'm not even kidding. And I haven't gone to the gym lately so I just feel lazy and weak. And I just get lazy and as days go by my stomach just keeps getting smaller and smaller. I was so close to passing out yesterday morning when I was out running errands with keeemba & tifffy. Went to a few places to look for a birthday outfit for Tiff since she's going clubbing this week and since I already hated shopping, it was killing me ten times worse.

I haven't had a chance to put my thoughts down, matter of fact to do anything. A lot is always happening but as of lately I've been hanging out with Diana =) Friday night plans didn't follow through for us so that night we went out with some of the guys which kind of made up for our plans not working out. Sleptover her house and we ended up talking until 6 in the morning and didn't wake up later on that day until 5 in the evening. She was still asleep so I had to wake her up and I'm never the first one to wake up, ever. We just sat around, talked some more, then around 2 we got picked up, and we went to Seaside =) Diana and I were extremely drained though due to sleeping too much. I seriously love her so much, I love talking to her because she understands absolutely everything and I love being there for her as well. The night before I got bit by an unfamiliar bug and it made my leg swelled up like a tumor. The size finally reduced over the week, thank goodness for Benadryl so I stopped scratching, but now it's extremely purple so I have to go to the doctors to get it check. I always try my best to stay healthy and not get sick and now I'm finally sick.

Honestly, I know I'm not lucky. Bad things always happen to me on a daily but I can either complain or not let it knock me down. Seriously though, everything else that's good in my life just makes it that much better for me. I will forever be truly blessed. I thank Buddha for that and most of all, the people in my life. A lot of times people think I don't care about certain things or that I'm always optimistic but it's only because I don't want to let any of the bad things get to me. I'm scared, of course I am scared of so much. I'm just living my life like it's my last because anything can happen, so many bad things can happen and of course I'm afraid but I just have to fight against it and hopefully, I will win. Any kind of surgery scares me, being in the hospital scares me or feeling so physically weak scares me. I really just want to get it over with so I don't have to worry about anything. The last thing I want on my mind is what tomorrow is going to be like.

There are slight moments where I'm extremely frightened by what the future holds, but then I just realize that there is just that much more to look forward to. So this week is Tiffy's 23rd birthday party and I cannot wait to just play with my ohana :) And then one of my dream is actually coming true. TAKING BACK SUNDAY & BLINK 182 ON SEPTEMBER 14th<3333333 I am so ecstatic, this will honestly make me sooo happy. I'm like a die hard fan of Taking Back Sunday and I get to see Blink 182 reunited and playing together. I really can't wait! =) Music has always been a big part of my life, I think it's a big part of everyone's actually. Just a line from a song can totally hit you straight to your heart because it says exactly how you feel. I know for my tattoo I want it to be music related but not music notes because a lot of people happen to already have it. I'm just excited for everything right now, I don't know why. I'm feeling so happy, it's unexplainable.

On a much heavier note, I will finally get to see Khoi next week. I don't know how I'll feel, I know that once I see him I'll start crying just because my heart is so weak willed. Seeing him will really make me accept what's going on. Deep down, in some sort, I was in denial with all of them. I just wanted to believe that they moved somewhere or they're at home hanging out far away, not in there. I guess I just have to see it for myself to really believe it. And this Friday is going to be Phoenix's birthday, I can't wait to visit him. Oh how things has change so much ever since last year. I know in the end, good or bad, I just need to have faith<3

=)

New York this Winter, and away from the OC by next Summer =) I feel great like it's my time to shine, to finally get to do what I want. Just one step closer...(edited and taken out.)

I'm not out there with what I love to do or what my heart is set for because deep down for me, I feel like once I start wanting something so bad, I will never get it. A lot of times I get pretty scared of change, I have to admit it. Not every change will always make things brighter somehow, sometimes it just knocks you down pretty bad and makes you feel weak in the knees. But I do learn to accept things that I can't change, I mean, if it's not even in my control to change then obviously I can't do anything about it.

I've been feeling really relieved and happy, BUT I'm always thinking and over analyzing everything at the same time which makes it more difficult for me to be fully happy. I guess it's always in the back of my mind how this and that could have gone differently, how did things get to how they are now, why is this happening, etc etc etc. I am just trying to go with the flow though, everyday I'm just living my life like it's the last. By the end of the day, no matter how emotionally or physically exhausted I am, I just know tomorrow is going to be that much better. At least that's all I could ever hope for.

trying to find balance,

My mom and I are always verbally sparring. It gets really tiring. She always have misconceptions of me and all I really ever have is good intentions. I always do things around the house and I live up to my responsibilities to help out more than some of my sisters. Yet, we're always fighting over the littlest things. I do let the things she say get to me because at times I do so much and she overlooks all of it and pick on the little things I do. Then when we actually get into an argument she depicts my weakest points. Honestly, if someone say something about me that isn't true or always overlook the things I do, I don't care what I say or do, I don't ever mean any disrespect but the things I say sometimes aren't the things she's used to hear. I tell it like it is and that's just how I am, I'm honest to everyone and how I truly feel. If she doesn't like what she hears then don't listen to me because I learn to just ignore almost everything negative she say towards me or about me. I love her to death but at times I just feel as if no matter what, she won't appreciate me because she's not happy.

I just want to get a job, work hard for the money, start my career. I do want to leave some things behind when I move because it doesn't mean much to me. I've grown accustom to a few things and it has many values to me, but everything else is just a chapter in my life. Just a little speed bump that I drove over quickly and although it hit me, it didn't stop me from moving on. This is me going to be honest, on the real. Truth is, I just want to wake up everyday, look pretty, and that's all I need to do. That's my job. I know, naive, I'm just being completely honest. But nothing in life worth having comes easy so I'll work hard from scratch, from dirt for all of that matters because one of these days, you'll see my name somewhere and I'll be living my life exactly how I want.

The reason I don't want to meet more people, get to know anyone, give guys a chance, befriend someone so quickly is because I don't want to get attached. I know once it's all over, it doesn't mean anything to me later on in life because I'll be at a different place I am now. I'm not really living life right? Not taking as much risks as I keep saying I will? Well, a big contradiction there but all in all, I don't want to be just anyone. I don't want to be overrated. I love the feeling of people not knowing anything about me, or know what's going on with me or haven't seen me because once they do see me again, it's like a refreshed feeling how they're not used to you and you're so new and they adore you from the start. It's a little bit more complicated than that, the feeling I'm talking about, but mainly I don't want to be "around" and overrated. I like to be conservative away from everyone else. And I'm great at it. I honestly don't have a problem with that.

lighthearted,

Lately I feel like I need to be away from everything, stay away to be more specific. Peace of mind is all I need, and I'm at that place again. The place where I don't need or want anyone...whats it called? Oh yeah, pushing people away. I feel so much happier like this, I don't know. It's complex. Here I am, stubborn as always. Always saying I don't need this person, I don't need that person, and honestly I don't need them. It's just nice to have them in my life sometimes. Having the right people of course. I understand very well that I am never alone but it's so hard for me to ever depend on people. I don't like being disappointed, no one does. But when I get disappointed often, I just have a permanent insight of how everyone else is going to be.

You always want to hang out with me and when I actually make time for you, it never follows through. I'm done accepting the mere scrap of effort you give. Your sweet talk and kissing up to me and apologizing doesn't change anything because my mind is set for this unstable friendship.

I guess I hurt you? I'm not even sure how I did that without having any possible idea that I actually took any affect on you. We don't even talk on a daily basis and you call me one night after 4 months and expect things to be like how it was then? When I heard the song Obsessed by Mariah Carey, I instantly thought of you. I realllllllly want us to be good friends, but not when you throw a tantrum or go apeshit on me like we're a couple. Like, I'm now in a relationship that I didn't even know I was in. First off, don't assign me yours. Ever. I hate when guys do that to me and you know that too. Like seriously,"telling the world how much you miss me, we never were so why you tripping?" Maybe it's best that we come to a compromise of not talking anymore.

Anyway, that's the complications of my life lately. Nothing really bothers me or hurt me, I'm a little bit too prided and thick skin to ever allow myself to get hurt. I hate when I'm weak so I don't allow myself to feel that vulnerability. My mentality is always positive and even though things can get so shitty, my hopes are always high. I will always have faith and believe that everything is okay. I just want the best of things. A little bit too much to hope for but wanting more of good thing never hurts anyone.

Hopefully thinning my hair soon, I love that it's long but it's a little bit too thick. Also hang out with my partner in crime this week =) Cannot wait! I want to get another industrial bar for my right ear, I can't believe I closed so many of my piercings but I still want more even though I have small ears. I wouldn't get facial piercings because it looks dirty, not just on me but to anyone really in my opinion. Tifffy's birthday isn't going to be a theme anymore but I'll be surrounded by amazing people I love so it wouldn't matter. Makes me anticipate for my 17th birthday =) I'm sooo excited. And also Taking Back Sunday and Blink 182 concert. I swear, I would faint and cry and freak out. All of the above. That's how excited I am! The thought of Summer everyday just makes me fall in love all over again. Endless adventures and sleepless nights, I wouldn't have it any other way<3


And my Paul Frank beach cruiser is finalllly fix! Oh my gosh, biking soon =)

summer skin,

Sometimes I don't even know what day it is. My mind is always cluttered on most days, but I like it. Not knowing what's going to happen next or what's going on that is.

I've been feeling extremely motivated more than ever. Motivated to do good with basically everything. Work, school, friends, family, all of the sensible things. I want to start a Summer project, with myself. I want to reinvent, become better, definitely become a better me. Break the bad habits and kick it to the curb. I just feel everyday I should live my life happy and at my best and I'm motivated to make what I want in my life all happen. A lot to put on myself but I know if I set my mind to it, I can definitely do it.

Summer projects so far is to get in shape. I'm sooo addicted to the gym. Most people always say they want to get fit but they never actually take the initiative to do something about it. I love being fit, I love staying fit, I feel healthier because I am actually being active. I never put anything in my body that I know I shouldn't so I'm glad I don't do drugs and I rarely drink. I miss Volleyball, I got into it for awhile but I couldn't keep up with it as much because I'm always shadowed with more important things. I am actually considering to get a tan, everyone say I look too white for Summer. I need to get more tan, you know, quote "the nice tan, the one you can rub." Unquote, Henry Nguyen =) I know you're reading this sucker, and I miss you a lot since we went to talking every single day to barely talking now! Sorry I haven't been home and when I am you're at work, we shall go to the gym soon :] Continuing on, no more soy products, cut down on the spicy food, no more eating after 8 PM also. That is going to be a hard one because I eat when I have nothing else to do. I hate my weight sometimes, it goes up and down drastically. Sometimes I am actually happy I gain some weight, being under 100 is never a good thing for me. New drastic change for my hair, I love dyeing my hair and I'm always satisfied with the results but I want a more change, not a haircut though. I'm not going to cut my hair any shorter for a long while because it took me about 3 years to finally have it at its length now. Paint my room, once and for all. We've moved into my new house for at least 3 months now and Kim and I haven't gotten a chance to paint our room. Then I want to build a little library in my room as well. Just redesign everything I can possibly think of =) And that's what I have in mind so far.

I also talked to my mom about the tattoos I want so now I want it sooner than ever. At first I planned to get it when I'm 21 just because I feel like that's the age more suited for me to finally know what I want, but the tattoos I want have so much meaning to me and I know I really want it. So possibly 18th birthday next year, I don't want it this year because I'm sure if it's something I really want then it can wait a little longer until I'm very certain.

Things are great, but once in awhile it's such a blur. Sometimes I don't know what I want, what I truly really want. And it's harder when I want something but it's not even within my reach. Then things start feeling impossible to me, but impossible is zero. I am always going to try my best to make things happen for myself, it doesn't matter what the struggles I will have to go through, I know I'm going to endure it and in the end it'll all be worth it.

I would love a library like this one day...<3

that's not my name,

I've never been more convinced that I don't want to be in a relationship. Of course sometimes I miss having someone and most of all, I miss that certain person. But all in all, I've never been happier alone and all I need is myself. Sometimes I do ask myself,"how do I end up getting caught with guys who are such dicks?" Like honestly. I'm sure once in awhile we all have those thoughts. And for most girls, I know we all go for a bad guy because we want to be the one to change them, and for the most part I like bad guys because I like a challenge. Not only that, back then, I used to think a really great guy is too much of a good thing that I'm scared so I overlook them. I know what I deserve though, and right now I deserve to have some fun! =) I'm not swearing off boys, because God knows I hang out with my guys almost everyday so it'll be a bit ironic but I'm saying whatever happens happens. I am not planning anything and I'm not going to look for anything. I'm just more guarded, I don't care if I'll be tough because I'm not going to allow myself to feel the unhappiness that I have dealt with in the past with relationships.


For now, my heart is mine and no one will get their hands on it.

restricting,

I always talk too much, or say too much, or write too much. Then I feel like I have more to say, so I end up not saying anything at all. And it's not even anything I need to say most of the time, it's just how I feel at the moment.

HA HA HA HA, that's what he gets for sleeping O=)

Just a few pictures from our trip to Vegas, totally worth it.

my life has been ridiculously ahhhmazing<3

never better,

Today's my relax day, I can finally stay home and sit with chocolate and watch a movie. I feel the need to be home more, not that I go out to party or anything a lot, since I'm always at the gym or doing something with my cousins, if not chill with the guys here and there.

I can't put myself out there, I would not ever want to. I'm not swearing off anything, just I want to do things that makes me happy and if the best thing to do is to just do my own thing then I will. I don't want to think or even deal with complications that is unnecessary so I'm trying my best to stay away from anything that can possibly trouble me.

I can't turn in my job application yet because my teacher is on vacation. Everyone's been trying to find a Summer job and I'm trying to find a more permanent job because I really do have all the time in the world to manage a job at the same time as everything else. Plus, I love working so I can handle a lot of hours. For some reason I just really love to work. I feel useful when I'm working and in the end it's all worth it. I've been feeling helpless lately, not so much helpless; more like useless. Sometimes I feel so spoiled because I don't have much responsibilities but I know I'm not materialistically spoiled since I never ask for anything and I hate to shop. I don't want to work at the OCfair for so many reasons, to me it's just labor work really. And plus, I don't want to be out in the sun a lot otherwise I'm going to get super dark. That's a minor reason, I know. I can easily deal with getting dark but I just think that being tan looks so dirty...Some people look nice tan, I am not one of those people. And I don't want to go from looking Vietnamese/White to Filipino/White. A job is a job though, I'm just contemplating on what I should do. I should suck it up and go through with whatever I can because I'm capable of so much.

Taking Back Sunday and Blink 182 is performing together in September, now for sure I have to go. I swear to Buddha, I would totally just faint once I see Blink 182 perform together as a band again. I'm not even going to start with Taking Back Sunday, I will finally be allow to go to other concerts since I vow that TBS would be my first concert! So if I go to this one, I can finally go to the other ones =) This week is packed with events, I'm glad I didn't get caught up in the party scene and now I'm doing my own thing and meeting amazing people. I'm really living my life to the fullest extent and I never see things more positive.

I don't want to say nothing can hurt me, because truth is I'm not always as strong as I put myself up to be, but I know that I can always endure whatever comes my way. I may be scared sometimes, but I do things willingly with risks and in the end it's always worth the fall.

"He loved her,

yes he loved her a lot. More than he has loved any girl in his life. He let her in his life, he let her in his family, he let her in his heart. His cousin and her became extremely close friends and her relationship with his family could not be measured. She was heads over heels in love with him and they were basically best friends. He used to tell all of his friends he wanted to marry her, it was her, she's the one. He made a bet with his best friend that they both are going to get marry when they get older. She knew in her heart it was him, the one she's going to fall in love with. He would skate to her house at 4 in the morning, she would walk the distance to his house just to see him. When he goes out, she would wait for him at home and hang out with his family. She would cook eggs and sausages for them to eat almost everyday after school because that's all she knew how to cook. He would call her up every morning to wake up for school and sometimes when they were lazy, he would pick her up and they would both ditch school just to sleep in together. He loved going to sleep at night with her next to him, he loved even more waking up and seeing she's still there. He was kind hearted, sweet, amazing to her. She loved him with everything she got, every single bone in her body loved him. She kept him out of trouble, although they fought almost all the time, their love was real. Nothing but unconditional love for one another.

But things started to fall apart. It was no longer in their control when things blew out of proportion. He was dishonest, she was dishonest with herself. She was never happy, never satisfied, she gave him the ultimatum to change; not for her but for their relationship. He never wanted to have to come home to someone or go through her for anything. He wanted to have fun and do whatever he wanted. She wanted someone she can trust and doesn't ever need to worry about what situation he could get himself in. She woke up one day and said, "enough is enough."

She moved on, and he grew bitter."

And as things change drastically, my whole life changed, I realized growth is just a part of life. I can't stop it, I can't help it, I don't want to change it, I'll just let it happen and allow it to change my life.

what happens in Vegas,

It was quite interesting, extremely last minute and a stupid idea but fun at the same time. I can't say much because you just have to be there to know what it was like. Ha ha ha, I'm so lazy to post up pictures but I know I eventually will, I just don't know when. Anyway, a day in Sin City...

I've been lazy to blog, or I always have too much to say. I feel so at home with myself now, I don't know, I just feel like all the things I do, I do it for myself and no one else. And it feels great.

I always contradict myself when it comes to guys. Honestly, if I start falling for someone and I don't want to anymore, I just stop. It's not that easy, I know. Your head and your heart isn't always at the same place but I know deep down what's best for myself so my heart suddenly knows what is best as well. I have to admit though, I hate being "the best friend." The one guys come to to talk about their girl problems. I don't mind, like honestly I'm always down for my friends and I'm always willing to help, but it's different when you feel something there but you just have to be happy for them. Thennnn, later if things don't workout with them and whoever they realize it was you all along. It's such a routine to me, and right now I feel like no one can have me. That's just how it is.

I've been pushing people away a lot lately, it feels...nice. Just the part where I can be carefree and not have to worry about anyone or anything. I've always been like that, I always isolate myself from everyone and just do my own thing. I don't completely push them away enough to seem like I don't care or that I don't want them in my life, but to just keep my distance. Most people do know that's just how I am and I'm not going to change that. I do make effort for my part, and I can give you all the reassurance in the world and be there for you physically and mentally, but in the end I just enjoy being alone.

what happens in Vegas,

So Wednesday night/Thursday morning around 2 AM I got picked up from the guys. Then we headed to Seaside and out of nowhere, we spontaneously drove to Vegas on a last minute trip. Richard, Tin, Tristan, Jle, and I. We left around 4 AM, everyone knocked out in the car but knowing me I can stay awake until forever so I tried to keep Jle company while he drove the rest of the way to Vegas. Sort of scary because he was falling asleep but we made it there safely around 8 AM. I can honestly say it's the dumbest most ridiculous thing we everrrrrr decided to do, but I'm happy to say I did have fun because I got to hang out with them more and got to know them better. The part I hated the most was the awkwardness that was put on me. Like, honestly, I absolutely hate when people hit on me and do not know when to back off. I do try to be extremely nice so I kept peace on the whole entire trip, if not I swear I would've killed him. I hate people who say offensive perverted things to me like they know me personally or come on too strong like they can get me. Honest to God, I have to thank Tristan and Tin so much for constantly watching out for me so he does not get anywhere near me. Anyway, we had no idea what we were going to do at Vegas, we basically did nothing and we had to be back at night. Yeah, it was just for a day but the drive was fun for me even though I didn't get any sleep going to and back from Vegas. I just had so much fun talking to Tin, jle, and Tristan. We are down for another road trip but definitely not Vegas, ha ha ha. San Fran maybe =) Pictures will be uploaded soon once my computer reads my memory card. That's basically all I can say about the trip, it was last minute, stupid, dumb, but so fun in its own way. You just had to be there through the suffering to know what it was like. I'm glad I went, I don't care if we didn't do much because it's just quality time with people that matters most and we tried making the best of it as well =) Just a day in Vegas...I love spontaneous adventures. On the real.

thoughts of lately,

I really want to play Halo 3, like now, right now.

Everyone's been trying to find a Summer job and I'm trying to find a more permanent job because I really do have all the time in the world to manage a job at the same time as everything else. Plus, I love working so I can handle a lot of hours. For some reason I just really love to work. I feel useful when I'm working and in the end it's all worth it. I've been feeling helpless lately, not so much helpless; more like useless. Sometimes I feel so spoiled because I don't have much responsibilities but I know I'm not materialistically spoiled since I never ask for anything and I hate to shop. I don't want to work at the OCfair for so many reasons, to me it's just labor work really. And plus, I don't want to be out in the sun a lot otherwise I'm going to get super dark. That's a minor reason, I know. I can easily deal with getting dark but I just think that being tan looks so dirty. Some people look nice tan, I am not one of those people. And I don't want to go from looking Vietnamese/White to Filipino/White. A job is a job though, I'm just contemplating on what I should do.

Taking Back Sunday and Blink 182 is performing together in September, now for sure I have to go. I swear to Buddha, I would totally just faint once I see Blink 182 perform together as a band again. I'm not even going to start with Taking Back Sunday, I will finally be allow to go to other concerts since I vow that TBS would be my first concert! So if I go to this one, I can finally go to the other ones =) Coachella and Bamboozle Left 2010!

Speaking of 2010, I realize how quickly time is passing by. I feel like I'm growing up too quickly sometimes, my mentality is like an 80 year old women. I just need to remind myself that it's okay sometimes to make mistakes and to just live my life carefree instead of always overanalyzing every detail to become perfect.

fade into you,

Beach yesterday with Alisa, Eric and Vu at Newport Beach was really fun =) Ran into Andy Phung there. Got Seaside after we swam, I forgot how relaxing it was to just sit at the beach, tan and swim. I miss reading at the beach, I miss Seabridge, I love having the wind at my back and the sun at my face.

We headed back home around 8ish, Eric dropped me off at Dotty and Kat's house then I showered and felt so clean, no more sand in my bathing suit. We were supposed to go to the gym but instead we headed to Guppy House in Irvine, had a major food coma afterward =)

Summer has been mellow, adventurous but mellow. I miss last Summer a lot, the people, the things I did, the people I did things with, but things changed, and I'm still grateful for everything.

Johnny left to Vietnam yesterday, didn't get to see him before he leave! And Sonic's coming back a week after Johnny arrives. I miss my other guys =(

I think you lie too much and honestly, I don't care. I don't feel anything for you for the things you do to affect me. I just see you as every other guy who lies and will say anything to have me. You lie to get into my heart and you keep assigning me yours. You're so repulsive that it scares me...I feel like when we talk I'm going to be in danger. My heart isn't even with me right now, I actually don't know where it is. Or that's what it feels like. I feel like my heart is gone a long time ago so I can't give it to anyone.

I've been having a lot of dreams about you and your family. And they're not always good dreams but sometimes when they are, I wish they were real. I don't know, I just want to be in your life. But I can't. I want you to be there for me, I just want to be there for you like how we were back then from the beginning. I do miss you, God knows I really miss you. I really miss your family, I miss your aunt, I miss Twinkle and Moonshine. It's kind of like,"can we not be together but I still get to play with your aunt's dogs?" Ha ha. ridiculous I know, if only things were that simple. I know deep down, I miss who you were when you made me happy, I miss the thought of you, I'm just fading into you...

old flames,

You guys are all coming back into my life at the same time, it's like you guys planned it together or something. I just don't want to deal with it because I hate how complicated things get afterward. The friendship gets awkward and we ended up not talking for days, even months and years. I hate how guys are. You guys all have the mentality where if you can't have something, you don't want to be apart of it whatsoever. I, on the other hand, rather have you guys in my life even just as my friend than to not have you guys in it at all. It's Summer, I don't want to worry about anything, let alone a relationship. I don't want to break anyone's heart again because it's always on me. When I look back now, I feel as if I let you guys put it all on me. Ever single one of you. How it manage to somehow be my fault, that I was the one who didn't let it work or pushed you guys away. When truth is, you guys didn't work to get there or to build it, you guys just assume straight off the bat you guys got me. That's not how it works especially if I feel like I don't even know you that well. Things are getting complicated already, and really, I don't need it.

I haven't really been home, I actually miss being home when I stay out or when I sleepover. Like they say,"home is where the heart is." I wonder how I'm going to be when I go out of state or leave home for weeks. I remember last Summer when I would sleepover Kevin's grandmas house every single day, and when I finally get home, I just never want to go out.

Life has been eventful lately. Amazingly eventful. My days consist of Wingstop, the beach, LA, bacon wrapped hotdogs, ChinaTown, Calbie tacos, catching Transformers and The Hangover late at night at the theaters, and so much more. I love LA, my cousins, thrift stores, trying on hats, art galleries, art that relates to me, finding a new band I'm growing on, singing/dancing in the car. Just absolutely everrrrrything =)

So I cannot wait for Tifffy's birthday party. I'm so excited for it, I guess because it's with my ohana and we can all just have fun. Nothing's better than partying with your loved ones. Honestly, I hate the party scene. But I'm not going to say I never party because I have gone before. It's just not MY thing. I find it rather pleasing to go to a friend's kickback or a friend's party than just a random one. If I'm going to a party, I'll enjoy it more if I know the person who is hosting it and I'll know that I'm not like the rest who go just for a party. I just think it's so humiliating to be all drunk or buzz around a bunch of random strangers. I have more class than that, honest to God. I guess people perceives me to be an innocent person who doesn't do bad things, but it's true, I don't do anything bad really. Everyone's amaze by how much freedom I have, but my will to not do those things. I try not to have that image. I'm consider a wild child but I don't mind that either because I'm living my life and having fun and I'm doing it without having to stoop down to other people's level.

I'm not the best photographer but this one is my favorite<3
Also my absolutely favorite is the one I took up there and I'm using it as
my header for my blog. Something about it connects with me...

Goodbye LA, I love you.

Ha ha ha, I love being absolutely ridiculous with them<3

from the bay to la,

So I haven't been home for days, stayed over the cuzzos =) I loveeee sleepovers, especially with them<3

Thursday
-Dotty came over.
-Wingstop
-Her house.
-Went to Garden Walk for Kat to get things at LUSH. Mmm, Chocolate Factory's Grasshopper apples are so yummy =)
-Went home and did face masks!

Friday evening we headed to LA. I swear, I love the hectic life. But I rather live in New York instead because LA is just not as fascinating to me.

back to myself,

Same mentality, same morals and values. But change of mind and change of heart. I just need to find some peace in myself and I don't want to do anything right now. I hate these feelings, but I love this feeling. I just want...well I don't know what I want. I don't know what I've been wanting. Or how I'm even feeling.

I've been lost for words.
Happy.
Complicated.
Contradicting.
Spontaneous.
Optimistic.
Stubborn.
Carefree.
Guarded.
Isolated.
Distant.
Yet happy.

All wrapped into one.

serendipity,

a fortunate accident.


<3


It has always been hard for me to believe people, let alone trust them. I know it sucks when people don't believe you, and I've given people so much complications by not trusting them but I'm just looking out for myself in the long run. I'm not willing to let anyone in fully, I'm smarter than that. I know I keep myself guarded a lot but I haven't met anyone who makes it easy for me to just let my guards down and be myself. Everytime I get close to someone, I tend to push them away, and for me that's just how it is. That's just how I am. Truth is, why would anyone want to get hurt, or want to let others in to hurt them? I know for a fact that I should let people in sometimes, that sometimes I just have to trust them, that if I end up getting hurt, it's fine because I'll just get over it and move on with my life. I'm really just trying to save myself the trouble of constantly getting disappointed by building these walls up. I'm just trying to see who's willing enough to break them down. Or for the most part, make it easy to just break down my barrier of wariness.



And although I am alone because I choose to be, I don't have my rock besides me either or that other person, and I'm going to go through everything I face everyday alone; there's no one I rather go through everything with than myself and only myself. I know I pride myself with trying to be independent but I'm all for not depending on others to make me happy. It's just how life works. You can't expect others to make you happy, you yourself have to make yourself happy and the others are just there to make you more happier than you are. Life has its wonders, but at the same time it's so great. I love taking chances every single day, I may hurt myself all the time, and it's not easy, but it's definitely all worth it.

My Summer consists of hanging out with a bunch of guys but I like it that way. Actually, I wouldn't have it any other way. But I still love my main girls, no doubt about it. Even when I had boyfriend, I still tried to keep my guys close to me but it never really ever balances out because what guy wants their girlfriend to hangout with a lot of other guys, ya'know? But now, it's so much easier and I don't have to have that guilt of meeting new people or going out late at night with my guys.

Andrew called me yesterday to take me out to Seaside =) But apparently my phone hasn't worked, so I didn't know until he came home and told me he called me so many times. I'm sad that it's broken because I feel so lost without it. I think I've defeated the purpose of having a cellphone. I actually feel more relieved without one because I can do whatever I want without hesitation and for once, I actually pay more attention to the people I'm with rather than just being on my phone all the time and not paying full attention to them. I can't wait to go biking too, I've been waiting to ride my Paul Frank baby for a long time =(


Henry I miss you! We need to hang out pronto =) -love bear!

-I probably am one of the few girls around here who do not know how to put on false eyelashes.
-Dancing is one of my passions, something I love to do.
-When you were looking at me here and there the whole night, I couldn't help but to think you're so cute. But at the same time, you resemble my friend. Which is weird.