"When you love someone, the best thing to do is just let them go."
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
--- I was attempting to reformat my computer so I had to go through all of my folders and I came upon so much pictures of Kevin and I. It's really amazing how much we grew, together, and individually. Two Summer's ago I was only 14 and he was 15, that's when we started dating. That's when I got so close to his family, I never felt so comfortable around so much people who aren't my family or friends, they're so amazing. We seriously went all around the world together. From camping to snowboarding, just everywhere. I miss those days where we would do anything to see each other. Bussing, walking, you name it. I even remember this one time I got into a fight with Kim so Kevin skated to my house at 4 in the morning to pick me up so I could sleepover. And this one time I was mad at Kevin and I was sick at the same time, and he skated from his grandma's house to my house and that's the first time he said he loved me =) Another year later, we were exactly like a married couple. But sometimes, in the end things don't work out. It sucks how we don't talk anymore, he's like my best friend. Now, when I think of him, I think to myself, who is he? I don't even know that person anymore. But I know, no matter what, deep down he's the same person I fell in love with, as much as I want to hate him, I can't. With all the bullshit and things we ever went through, we came out so much stronger. And I love him for that. And although we both are going our separate ways and everything has change, I will never want to forget about him. I can stop trying to be in his life and he can care less, but it doesn't make me appreciate him less because I will always cherish what we had. Corny as hell but I don't care, ha ha ha. On the real, this is me being honest.
summer nights,
I'm so falling in love with Summer...
Yesterday started out with going to the beach with Johnny, which was a total fail because by the time we got there, it was windy and cold. The weather was so gloomy to begin with so we just walked around Main St. and I was looking for clothes for Chocolate at AA because they sell cute doggie clothes at the AA on Main St. =) Totally missed the gym with the cuzzos so just headed back home, then ended up at Sammy's.
Later that night was really fun. I have to say probably one of my best nights yet =) I'm always modest especially when it comes to being around new people but after awhile I could really be myself, around the right people that is. I love when people are surprised at the things they least expect me to do or be good at. Shows that you shouldn't underestimate people. I totally own Jle, Tin D. and Brian in Horse =) I made every single one of my shots! Until the end I played one on one with Tin D. and lost to a bet. I did something that was totally not me but I always keep my word especially if I have lost. All fun in games though. And I beat everyone in Texas Holdem as well :) After playing ball everyone headed home. Tin was nice enough to take me home since Johnny went home early, and even though I live super far from everyone, and I mean everrrrrryone. When I got home I was about to head out to Seaside but then I realized, I've gone there 8 times out of 11 days that I went out at night. No more croissants or Seaside for me for awhile! Dude, and every single person in the house was sick, every single person and I happened to be the only one who isn't. So when I got home I took medicine right away like I always do so I can fight it off before it actually happens. I am not going to get sick this Summer, at least not anytime soon! Poor Johnny was the worst one and his face looked like he wanted to exploded. Ha ha ha, I'm going to kill them if I get sick. All in all though, I love Summer nights =)
I can't say it enough but I love nice genuine people. They totally make my heart melt, I swear.
Yesterday started out with going to the beach with Johnny, which was a total fail because by the time we got there, it was windy and cold. The weather was so gloomy to begin with so we just walked around Main St. and I was looking for clothes for Chocolate at AA because they sell cute doggie clothes at the AA on Main St. =) Totally missed the gym with the cuzzos so just headed back home, then ended up at Sammy's.
Later that night was really fun. I have to say probably one of my best nights yet =) I'm always modest especially when it comes to being around new people but after awhile I could really be myself, around the right people that is. I love when people are surprised at the things they least expect me to do or be good at. Shows that you shouldn't underestimate people. I totally own Jle, Tin D. and Brian in Horse =) I made every single one of my shots! Until the end I played one on one with Tin D. and lost to a bet. I did something that was totally not me but I always keep my word especially if I have lost. All fun in games though. And I beat everyone in Texas Holdem as well :) After playing ball everyone headed home. Tin was nice enough to take me home since Johnny went home early, and even though I live super far from everyone, and I mean everrrrrryone. When I got home I was about to head out to Seaside but then I realized, I've gone there 8 times out of 11 days that I went out at night. No more croissants or Seaside for me for awhile! Dude, and every single person in the house was sick, every single person and I happened to be the only one who isn't. So when I got home I took medicine right away like I always do so I can fight it off before it actually happens. I am not going to get sick this Summer, at least not anytime soon! Poor Johnny was the worst one and his face looked like he wanted to exploded. Ha ha ha, I'm going to kill them if I get sick. All in all though, I love Summer nights =)
I can't say it enough but I love nice genuine people. They totally make my heart melt, I swear.
"Why do you live so f_cking far dude?! You should be happy you're worth the drive."
They're the cutest<33333333333333333333333333333333333333333
They're the cutest<33333333333333333333333333333333333333333
Monday, June 29, 2009
taking a step back,
Sometimes all I think about is how to make everyone happy, then I think who is more important or matters more for me to make happy first, then I think to myself how I've never considered in making myself happy before I wanted to help the world reach their pursuit of happiness.
I went to Downtown Disney recently to hang out with Michael and Charlie, good updates as always. I somehow manage to always have a lot to say. Chill night though since I haven't seen Michael for awhile. It's still weird for me to talk to him because of our past, I hate when it's brought up out of nowhere. Learning from what happened to us, I feel as if friends should not ever like their friends. If you do, just stop. Easier said than done right? Well when your friends end up falling for you, things get complicated, and sometimes just out of proportion. In the end, when things doesn't work out, the friendship isn't even there anymore. I should know that more than anyone.
Anyway, night before that hung out with the guys again, as always.
I'm really grateful for those who make me happy and it's effortless too. Sometimes I think I'm too lucky, but it's because I learn to appreciate everything I have from the things I don't have.
I just had an epiphany earlier today. I see the world as everything happening for a reason, and with everyone passing away, I still wonder to myself if everything does happen for a reason. And I thought, good or bad, it does happen for a reason. Maybe those people pass away so the ones around them who never showed any love or appreciation to them will learn to appreciate those who are still alive in their life. Maybe they passed away to show how well they lived up their life and what a big impact they have left on this Earth. And I suddenly thought about myself. I'm sure every one of us have thought about death. And I think to myself, if it was to happen to me, what would happen? Would the friends I made who are no longer friends feel anything for me? Will they feel bad, sad, happy? Would the person who is mad at me regret being mad at me? How about the person who have always loved me but never said anything about it? What if I could've done something different to not lose the people I have lost in my life. What if I gave that one person a chance that they wanted? What if I voiced everything just for the sake of it to just get by everyday? What if I was to stay with the person I did love and never moved on? Maybe if I did this and that differently, would it make a difference? Then I snapped out of it. Life is not based on maybe's or what-ifs. You cannot be afraid of the outcome and stop living your life because you're scared. Take all the risks in the world, do what you need to, follow your guts even if it's a bad idea. Because as long as you're living, all you need to worry about is today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, today. I realized that at this point, at this minute, I'm simply just living my life how I should. With mistakes, with broken hearts, with tears, smiles, laughters, lessons, curve balls, spontaneity, adventures, hope, faith, love, everythinggg. Without any of that, life is not worth living.
Life is just better lived being ridiculous than being afraid.
And relationship wise, I rather be alone than be with someone for all the wrong reasons. That's all there is to it.
I went to Downtown Disney recently to hang out with Michael and Charlie, good updates as always. I somehow manage to always have a lot to say. Chill night though since I haven't seen Michael for awhile. It's still weird for me to talk to him because of our past, I hate when it's brought up out of nowhere. Learning from what happened to us, I feel as if friends should not ever like their friends. If you do, just stop. Easier said than done right? Well when your friends end up falling for you, things get complicated, and sometimes just out of proportion. In the end, when things doesn't work out, the friendship isn't even there anymore. I should know that more than anyone.
Anyway, night before that hung out with the guys again, as always.
I'm really grateful for those who make me happy and it's effortless too. Sometimes I think I'm too lucky, but it's because I learn to appreciate everything I have from the things I don't have.
I just had an epiphany earlier today. I see the world as everything happening for a reason, and with everyone passing away, I still wonder to myself if everything does happen for a reason. And I thought, good or bad, it does happen for a reason. Maybe those people pass away so the ones around them who never showed any love or appreciation to them will learn to appreciate those who are still alive in their life. Maybe they passed away to show how well they lived up their life and what a big impact they have left on this Earth. And I suddenly thought about myself. I'm sure every one of us have thought about death. And I think to myself, if it was to happen to me, what would happen? Would the friends I made who are no longer friends feel anything for me? Will they feel bad, sad, happy? Would the person who is mad at me regret being mad at me? How about the person who have always loved me but never said anything about it? What if I could've done something different to not lose the people I have lost in my life. What if I gave that one person a chance that they wanted? What if I voiced everything just for the sake of it to just get by everyday? What if I was to stay with the person I did love and never moved on? Maybe if I did this and that differently, would it make a difference? Then I snapped out of it. Life is not based on maybe's or what-ifs. You cannot be afraid of the outcome and stop living your life because you're scared. Take all the risks in the world, do what you need to, follow your guts even if it's a bad idea. Because as long as you're living, all you need to worry about is today. Not yesterday, not tomorrow, today. I realized that at this point, at this minute, I'm simply just living my life how I should. With mistakes, with broken hearts, with tears, smiles, laughters, lessons, curve balls, spontaneity, adventures, hope, faith, love, everythinggg. Without any of that, life is not worth living.
Life is just better lived being ridiculous than being afraid.
And relationship wise, I rather be alone than be with someone for all the wrong reasons. That's all there is to it.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
love is...
-when Chocolate is sleeping on my tummy.
-watching fireworks at Downtown Disney.
-finding a new chapstick you love.
-going to Seaside with friends you have so much fun with.
-Atmosphere and Nujabes playing while I'm sleeping.
-finding a new song that say exactly how you feel.
-seeing someone you love at their best.
-my mom's cooking...sometimes.
-phone conversations that last for hours.
-when your friends admire/acknowledge you.
-saying 'I love you' and meaning it.
-having someone else saying 'I love you' and meaning it.
-playing volleyball for the love of the game.
-working out to the limit and getting a good sore afterwards.
-feeling as if you're not alone when you come upon a quote that say how you feel.
-saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
-having a new idea and having to write it down right away.
-tofu house anytime I want.
-snoozing with kimberly ann nguyen<3
-having dinner with my entire ohana together.
-baking for others just because.
-being the person everyone can come to about problems.
-having the sun at your face and the wind at your back.
-winning at a game you suck at.
-taking candid pictures that is worth a thousand words.
-long car rides that leads to nowhere.
-singing/dancing wildly in the car.
-Taking Back Sunday and The Postal service.
-loving yourself.
-trust, in yourself and in others.
-when you can call someone at 4 in the morning to complain about ants.
-when you can call someone at 4 in the morning, period.
-Zooey licking me nonstop.
-reading a really good book.
-my Paul Frank beach cruiser.
-just love.
-the best thing in the world.
I admit, I am a flawed person. I'm not the greatest person in the world, I probably won't ever be the greatest person. But everyday, my flaws today, allows me to be a better tomorrow. I don't ever need to be the greatest, I just need to be the bestest I can be.
-watching fireworks at Downtown Disney.
-finding a new chapstick you love.
-going to Seaside with friends you have so much fun with.
-Atmosphere and Nujabes playing while I'm sleeping.
-finding a new song that say exactly how you feel.
-seeing someone you love at their best.
-my mom's cooking...sometimes.
-phone conversations that last for hours.
-when your friends admire/acknowledge you.
-saying 'I love you' and meaning it.
-having someone else saying 'I love you' and meaning it.
-playing volleyball for the love of the game.
-working out to the limit and getting a good sore afterwards.
-feeling as if you're not alone when you come upon a quote that say how you feel.
-saying what you mean and meaning what you say.
-having a new idea and having to write it down right away.
-tofu house anytime I want.
-snoozing with kimberly ann nguyen<3
-having dinner with my entire ohana together.
-baking for others just because.
-being the person everyone can come to about problems.
-having the sun at your face and the wind at your back.
-winning at a game you suck at.
-taking candid pictures that is worth a thousand words.
-long car rides that leads to nowhere.
-singing/dancing wildly in the car.
-Taking Back Sunday and The Postal service.
-loving yourself.
-trust, in yourself and in others.
-when you can call someone at 4 in the morning to complain about ants.
-when you can call someone at 4 in the morning, period.
-Zooey licking me nonstop.
-reading a really good book.
-my Paul Frank beach cruiser.
-just love.
-the best thing in the world.
I admit, I am a flawed person. I'm not the greatest person in the world, I probably won't ever be the greatest person. But everyday, my flaws today, allows me to be a better tomorrow. I don't ever need to be the greatest, I just need to be the bestest I can be.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
alive,
You say, you say, you say that I'm the only one
You say that I'm your number one
Now you're gone and I feel numb
Tell me where do we go wrong
You are my best friend and boyfriend
Now its seems like you're my worst friend
I got to do soul searching
Without you I'm a whole different person
I ain't acting like I used to
I don't feel loved like I used to
It was your love I was used to.
Sometimes the only way I can honestly express myself is through lyrics that relates...
So I'm supposed to be heading to the track meet with Patrick but I'm dead tired from today and he's not answering so I think he knocked out as well.
My day started out with volleyball at Hungtington Beach Rec Center with James and Henry. I haven't played for a long time so I was really rusty but I'm planning to get back into volleyball again and just play for the love of the sport. I hope I get to be as good as I used to be. Left around 7 because Henry had to go to Dang's barbecue and neither did James or I wanted to go so I got dropped off home. I thought I was going to go home and sleep just so I won't be tired for the track meet but right when I got home Patrick called and said he was going to pick me up. The guys met up at my house, went to Patrick's house, helped him put in his other rims, then picked up Redrod, met up with Johnny, Jle and Tony again and left to the mansion in Yorba Linda. The area was so nice, reminds me of Top of the World =) You could totally see the view of the whole entire city from the backyard. But we left because it was too mellow and just went to play pool and I saw James! :) Played three games then headed out to Seaside. So I lied, I'm not sick of Seaside yet, I seriously love that place. I just go there too much so it's nothing new but I love just walking on the pier and finally get to relax my mind. Saw keeemba, susan, darren, eric and binh! Which is funny because I go out with kim but we never end up at the same places when we go out separately. Afterwards called it a night.
Came home and found a big trail of ants on my kitchen counter. So sad how I'm always the only one to see the ants first so I have to clean it. It's so gross, I just want to pass out but I don't want to just leave it there because who does that? So I just cleaned it, clean everything and played with chocolate chip =) I seriously miss Zooey so much, but I'm not as sad anymore because I know she's pretty happy with her new owner. And when Rooh ran away I was miserable because I didn't know where she was and who is taking care of her and I felt like I was responsible for her life since I was her new owner. I'm just not good with goodbyes, ever. But I'm still looking for a dog so chocolate can mate and have puppies with =)
I think it will be hard for us to be friends, it's just too complicated. When we argue I really just can't take it, it makes me think who are you to yell at me or say the things you say to me. One day I'm being swept off my feet and so happy with you, the next...I don't even know how to explain it. If there is even a way to describe it. I just hate when people try to bring me down or make me feel like sh*t because it just makes me want them out of my life even more. I'm saying it in general. I honestly just don't care when people don't treat me right. I don't deserve for anyone to talk to me as if I don't mean anything or as if I was nothing to begin with. No one deserves that and especially me because I'm always trying to be considerate. Sometimes I am too nice and I can't help it and sometimes I get hurt by things and I can't help it either.
I'm glad I will get to leave here as soon as I get everything up and running, I need to just start my life/career with everything put behind me. I know that once everything hits off, when I look at all the negative things now it won't mean anything at all to me that's why I'm trying to have a head start and not care about it to begin with. I'm too happy all the time to have one little thing knock me over.
1. You're so genuine and I love talking to you because you always have so much to say. It's so hard to find genuine people around here, and you're a genuine guy to add to that.
2. Atmosphere will always have my heart, "don't ever fucking question that." =)
3. I think almost everyone who is smart enough can agree that people who do drugs or smoke is a total big turn off. Or maybe it really is just me.
4. I love hanging out with a bunch of guys.
5. 93' til infinity? Scratch that, 92' til infinity<3
You say that I'm your number one
Now you're gone and I feel numb
Tell me where do we go wrong
You are my best friend and boyfriend
Now its seems like you're my worst friend
I got to do soul searching
Without you I'm a whole different person
I ain't acting like I used to
I don't feel loved like I used to
It was your love I was used to.
Sometimes the only way I can honestly express myself is through lyrics that relates...
So I'm supposed to be heading to the track meet with Patrick but I'm dead tired from today and he's not answering so I think he knocked out as well.
My day started out with volleyball at Hungtington Beach Rec Center with James and Henry. I haven't played for a long time so I was really rusty but I'm planning to get back into volleyball again and just play for the love of the sport. I hope I get to be as good as I used to be. Left around 7 because Henry had to go to Dang's barbecue and neither did James or I wanted to go so I got dropped off home. I thought I was going to go home and sleep just so I won't be tired for the track meet but right when I got home Patrick called and said he was going to pick me up. The guys met up at my house, went to Patrick's house, helped him put in his other rims, then picked up Redrod, met up with Johnny, Jle and Tony again and left to the mansion in Yorba Linda. The area was so nice, reminds me of Top of the World =) You could totally see the view of the whole entire city from the backyard. But we left because it was too mellow and just went to play pool and I saw James! :) Played three games then headed out to Seaside. So I lied, I'm not sick of Seaside yet, I seriously love that place. I just go there too much so it's nothing new but I love just walking on the pier and finally get to relax my mind. Saw keeemba, susan, darren, eric and binh! Which is funny because I go out with kim but we never end up at the same places when we go out separately. Afterwards called it a night.
Came home and found a big trail of ants on my kitchen counter. So sad how I'm always the only one to see the ants first so I have to clean it. It's so gross, I just want to pass out but I don't want to just leave it there because who does that? So I just cleaned it, clean everything and played with chocolate chip =) I seriously miss Zooey so much, but I'm not as sad anymore because I know she's pretty happy with her new owner. And when Rooh ran away I was miserable because I didn't know where she was and who is taking care of her and I felt like I was responsible for her life since I was her new owner. I'm just not good with goodbyes, ever. But I'm still looking for a dog so chocolate can mate and have puppies with =)
I think it will be hard for us to be friends, it's just too complicated. When we argue I really just can't take it, it makes me think who are you to yell at me or say the things you say to me. One day I'm being swept off my feet and so happy with you, the next...I don't even know how to explain it. If there is even a way to describe it. I just hate when people try to bring me down or make me feel like sh*t because it just makes me want them out of my life even more. I'm saying it in general. I honestly just don't care when people don't treat me right. I don't deserve for anyone to talk to me as if I don't mean anything or as if I was nothing to begin with. No one deserves that and especially me because I'm always trying to be considerate. Sometimes I am too nice and I can't help it and sometimes I get hurt by things and I can't help it either.
I'm glad I will get to leave here as soon as I get everything up and running, I need to just start my life/career with everything put behind me. I know that once everything hits off, when I look at all the negative things now it won't mean anything at all to me that's why I'm trying to have a head start and not care about it to begin with. I'm too happy all the time to have one little thing knock me over.
1. You're so genuine and I love talking to you because you always have so much to say. It's so hard to find genuine people around here, and you're a genuine guy to add to that.
2. Atmosphere will always have my heart, "don't ever fucking question that." =)
3. I think almost everyone who is smart enough can agree that people who do drugs or smoke is a total big turn off. Or maybe it really is just me.
4. I love hanging out with a bunch of guys.
5. 93' til infinity? Scratch that, 92' til infinity<3
Friday, June 26, 2009
I write to express, not to impress,
Honestly, I don't ever regret the things I say or the things I write on here because it's how I feel. I will never apologize for how I feel because it's just how I feel. You can't help the way you feel or force yourself to not feel anything. I won't ever just voice it either. This is me, on the real ya'know. If you can't deal with it then it's not my problem, but don't act like you know what's really going on with me or how I feel because you don't. Unless you got some clarification or confirmation straight from my mouth then don't act like you know and assume my intentions are out there to make you look bad or to hurt you. Don't ever look into things too much because there's always more to it.
Grunion running tonight was a bust because Seal Beach was crowded. But I had fun sitting on the sand spending quality time with my cuzzos and aunt pigging out and playing with Adrianne. I love nights like these. After awhile just headed home, I would've slept over but I'm playing volleyball tomorrow with the guys. When I got home found out Andrew went grunion running too but at Hungtington Beach and he got so much fishes :( Oh we0zzz, tomorrow (later today) will be a fun day for sure. Volleyball then beaching it, at night around 2 AM head out for the track meet and the next day volleyball again I assume. Ha ha ha. I'm so excited with Summer plans, partying really isn't my thing so I'm just not really down for them. I only like going to close friends kickbacks or parties where I know everyone rather than a random party. It just isn't my hype, I don't want to be that kind of girl to be out there. Definitely not my lifestyle, I should seriously move back to the bay area or somewhere else =) I belong in LA, I swear.
different<3
Grunion running tonight was a bust because Seal Beach was crowded. But I had fun sitting on the sand spending quality time with my cuzzos and aunt pigging out and playing with Adrianne. I love nights like these. After awhile just headed home, I would've slept over but I'm playing volleyball tomorrow with the guys. When I got home found out Andrew went grunion running too but at Hungtington Beach and he got so much fishes :( Oh we0zzz, tomorrow (later today) will be a fun day for sure. Volleyball then beaching it, at night around 2 AM head out for the track meet and the next day volleyball again I assume. Ha ha ha. I'm so excited with Summer plans, partying really isn't my thing so I'm just not really down for them. I only like going to close friends kickbacks or parties where I know everyone rather than a random party. It just isn't my hype, I don't want to be that kind of girl to be out there. Definitely not my lifestyle, I should seriously move back to the bay area or somewhere else =) I belong in LA, I swear.
different<3
Thursday, June 25, 2009
stuck with each other,
I'm currently loving that song right now, it's so cute =)
I know I believe in a lot of cliches and may be a bit naive but some things totally hits me straight to the heart and makes me melt.
I don't want anything with anyone, nonetheless, a relationship. I realized how reckless I can be with people's hearts but it's never my intentions to hurt anyone. Sometimes...it just happens. I do miss being with someone at times but who doesn't? It's pretty much only because you're so used to them or did like them a lot, in the end I feel so much more happier now. Surprisingly. And this bring me to a conversation I had with Henry awhile back, how guys really are. Especially how they are towards me. Sometimes I just feel like an object to them, or a thing, and I really hate to be a thing. I really want someone who would treat me more than that, like a human being and know how to sweep me off my feet at the same time. Everyone said I should be "flattered" but it just makes me feel as if everyone sees me for what is in front of them and not get to know me for who I truly am. People always have misinterpretations about me. I need someone who isn't shallow, who really wants me for me, because at least I know I can really be myself with them regardless whatever. For now, I'm just guarded.
1. We barely started being friends again, stop assigning me yours.
2. I hate how you're a jerk to me and I looked out for you.
3. I don't mean to hurt you by what I said, you just have to understAnd I can't help how I feel.
4. Zooey DesChanel is too perfect.
5. Matt and Kim-Daylight is my new favorite song.
6. SUPPPPPPP HENRY =)
Enough about that. I keep getting my dates all messed up, I talked to Patrick and kept thinking today is Friday. I think I'm way too excited for the track meet, I really can't wait to go. All I do is think about cars now, nonstop. I'm always thinking about cars, sadly I know more about cars than most of my guy friends. Ha ha ha. I've been hanging out with my guys a lot and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love them to deafffffffffffffffth! :) I love late nights with friends that turns into mornings, it's seriously the best thing. And volleyball all day, errrday? Even better. Hopefully James Tran will finish fixing my bike soon so I can go biking with Andrew starting next week at the beach. I'm really trying to get in shape because even though I'm only 99lbs it doesn't mean I'm necessarily healthy. Plus it doesn't hurt to stay fit so I'm planning to run more at the beach. I love being active, especially since it's Summer I just want to go out there and see the world. I'm so ready to conquer the world, one day at a time.
I know I believe in a lot of cliches and may be a bit naive but some things totally hits me straight to the heart and makes me melt.
I don't want anything with anyone, nonetheless, a relationship. I realized how reckless I can be with people's hearts but it's never my intentions to hurt anyone. Sometimes...it just happens. I do miss being with someone at times but who doesn't? It's pretty much only because you're so used to them or did like them a lot, in the end I feel so much more happier now. Surprisingly. And this bring me to a conversation I had with Henry awhile back, how guys really are. Especially how they are towards me. Sometimes I just feel like an object to them, or a thing, and I really hate to be a thing. I really want someone who would treat me more than that, like a human being and know how to sweep me off my feet at the same time. Everyone said I should be "flattered" but it just makes me feel as if everyone sees me for what is in front of them and not get to know me for who I truly am. People always have misinterpretations about me. I need someone who isn't shallow, who really wants me for me, because at least I know I can really be myself with them regardless whatever. For now, I'm just guarded.
1. We barely started being friends again, stop assigning me yours.
2. I hate how you're a jerk to me and I looked out for you.
3. I don't mean to hurt you by what I said, you just have to understAnd I can't help how I feel.
4. Zooey DesChanel is too perfect.
5. Matt and Kim-Daylight is my new favorite song.
6. SUPPPPPPP HENRY =)
Enough about that. I keep getting my dates all messed up, I talked to Patrick and kept thinking today is Friday. I think I'm way too excited for the track meet, I really can't wait to go. All I do is think about cars now, nonstop. I'm always thinking about cars, sadly I know more about cars than most of my guy friends. Ha ha ha. I've been hanging out with my guys a lot and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love them to deafffffffffffffffth! :) I love late nights with friends that turns into mornings, it's seriously the best thing. And volleyball all day, errrday? Even better. Hopefully James Tran will finish fixing my bike soon so I can go biking with Andrew starting next week at the beach. I'm really trying to get in shape because even though I'm only 99lbs it doesn't mean I'm necessarily healthy. Plus it doesn't hurt to stay fit so I'm planning to run more at the beach. I love being active, especially since it's Summer I just want to go out there and see the world. I'm so ready to conquer the world, one day at a time.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
best I ever had,
I've been pretty lost for words lately. Like nothing, nothing at all can describe or even come close to explaining how I'm feeling lately. I've been feeling my best I guess, and I'm more than happy.
Well as of yesterday I gave Zooey away. I knew I couldn't keep her and had to give her away sooner or later but I didn't know it was going to be so soon. I am happy for her that she has a nice home and dogs to play with now but she was like my baby. I seriously cried so much just reminiscing about her. I don't cry a lot, sometimes I don't even cry at all, but I just couldn't stop bawling when I thought about her. I'm glad that her new owner is willing to keep me updated with her and let me come visit her whenever I want but it'll just be weird not having her around. No one to come and pound on my window at 9 in the morning, no one to steal my food out of my hand, no one to pounce on me nonstop, and whine for hours. Everyone loved her so much too and all of my friends loved playing with her. The cutest thing I will never forget about her is that she always growls and barks at her own shadow. She really made a lot of difference being around the house, all the things to the big things. From biting every single thing there is in my house, chewing on my Paul Frank seat, digging up all of these miscellaneous things from the ground, all the noises she makes, I wouldn't mind putting up with it. But at least I know that her owner is legit and is capable of taking good care of her. I'm so happy I got to keep her as long as I could. Goodbye baby, I will always love you Zooey<3
On a lighter note, Summer is just constantly getting better and better. I have this feeling of relief and I'm always so light hearted. I can't wait to go biking once I get my bike fixed, hopefully I won't get darker. Since I'm pale I don't get dark, I get sunburn =( Everything's gradually falling together though. I love being occupied, I love spending time with people I love and having time flies by like nothing because that's how much fun I'm having with them.
Had Thai Chili with my mom, Kim and Tifffy yesterday to make up for my mom's birthday. Food was really good but I recommend to never ever, get the Thai Tea ice cream from there because they never fully churn it. I got a really bad food coma afterwards though but I had such a great time talking to my siblings and my mom. I love spending time with them, they're like my main girls no doubt.
And this Saturday I'm sooo excited to go to the race track! =) I really, really, reallllllllly am hoping I do not get sunburn. I'm planning to do all of my permit and drivers stuff before July ends. Everyone's getting their license already and don't even have my permit but it's okay though, I talked to my mom and sisters about the car I'm going to get. I just want my car so bad that I'm trying to do all of my driver's stuff so I can get it as soon as possible =) I really want a black EVO now, it's sooo nice but I'm sticking with an AE86. I rather have a play car right now since I'm young and just work hard for a luxury car later on. Also I hope I get my job! =) It'll be sooo fun working, and I can't get the Bar & Grill job because I'm not 18 nor 21 to serve drinks anyway.
I hope all the surprises and adventures this Summer will just keep coming because I love it. I feel like I don't have time to think about unnecessary things and surprisingly, almost nothing at all bothers me. But I'm just going to take it in one day at a time and live my life =) It's so much better when you don't know where you're heading...
=)
Well as of yesterday I gave Zooey away. I knew I couldn't keep her and had to give her away sooner or later but I didn't know it was going to be so soon. I am happy for her that she has a nice home and dogs to play with now but she was like my baby. I seriously cried so much just reminiscing about her. I don't cry a lot, sometimes I don't even cry at all, but I just couldn't stop bawling when I thought about her. I'm glad that her new owner is willing to keep me updated with her and let me come visit her whenever I want but it'll just be weird not having her around. No one to come and pound on my window at 9 in the morning, no one to steal my food out of my hand, no one to pounce on me nonstop, and whine for hours. Everyone loved her so much too and all of my friends loved playing with her. The cutest thing I will never forget about her is that she always growls and barks at her own shadow. She really made a lot of difference being around the house, all the things to the big things. From biting every single thing there is in my house, chewing on my Paul Frank seat, digging up all of these miscellaneous things from the ground, all the noises she makes, I wouldn't mind putting up with it. But at least I know that her owner is legit and is capable of taking good care of her. I'm so happy I got to keep her as long as I could. Goodbye baby, I will always love you Zooey<3On a lighter note, Summer is just constantly getting better and better. I have this feeling of relief and I'm always so light hearted. I can't wait to go biking once I get my bike fixed, hopefully I won't get darker. Since I'm pale I don't get dark, I get sunburn =( Everything's gradually falling together though. I love being occupied, I love spending time with people I love and having time flies by like nothing because that's how much fun I'm having with them.
Had Thai Chili with my mom, Kim and Tifffy yesterday to make up for my mom's birthday. Food was really good but I recommend to never ever, get the Thai Tea ice cream from there because they never fully churn it. I got a really bad food coma afterwards though but I had such a great time talking to my siblings and my mom. I love spending time with them, they're like my main girls no doubt.
And this Saturday I'm sooo excited to go to the race track! =) I really, really, reallllllllly am hoping I do not get sunburn. I'm planning to do all of my permit and drivers stuff before July ends. Everyone's getting their license already and don't even have my permit but it's okay though, I talked to my mom and sisters about the car I'm going to get. I just want my car so bad that I'm trying to do all of my driver's stuff so I can get it as soon as possible =) I really want a black EVO now, it's sooo nice but I'm sticking with an AE86. I rather have a play car right now since I'm young and just work hard for a luxury car later on. Also I hope I get my job! =) It'll be sooo fun working, and I can't get the Bar & Grill job because I'm not 18 nor 21 to serve drinks anyway.
I hope all the surprises and adventures this Summer will just keep coming because I love it. I feel like I don't have time to think about unnecessary things and surprisingly, almost nothing at all bothers me. But I'm just going to take it in one day at a time and live my life =) It's so much better when you don't know where you're heading...
=)
Monday, June 22, 2009
"You're never single. And when you are, you can always get whoever you want." -CT.
I don't think that's true. And yes, I have not been single for a long while, only because I was in a relationship for two years, but it's not like I'm always going to be with someone. And I don't get whoever I want, honestly, I have liked guys I could not have before so I hate when people think I can get whoever I want. And not only that, but I hate when people think that just because I'm talking to someone or started becoming friends with someone I'm going to go out with them.
I don't think that's true. And yes, I have not been single for a long while, only because I was in a relationship for two years, but it's not like I'm always going to be with someone. And I don't get whoever I want, honestly, I have liked guys I could not have before so I hate when people think I can get whoever I want. And not only that, but I hate when people think that just because I'm talking to someone or started becoming friends with someone I'm going to go out with them.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Everything happens for a reason,
whether it's good, bad, makes you happy, makes you sad, even if it changes your life drastically, hurt you, make you better; whatever it is, it does happen for a reason. Like mistakes, or just lessons, it influenced your past and who you were but you choose who you become. Can't ever dwell on things that will just burden you because once you give it that power, you don't have the power to make yourself happy ya'know. I look back at this year so far and I realized how much love I have for my family and friends. Ever since my mom got surgery my family and I have gotten so much closer, I've been trying to be there for them more because I realize sometimes life isn't fair, and any moment they could be taken away from me or vice versa. I'm glad Dotty and I are close again because sometimes we can honestly do everything together and sometimes do nothing at all and still have fun. It's never too late to be who you could've been. There's always room to improve and make yourself better if you're willing to change. I know a lot of times I don't apologize for my faults or even apologize at all but I'm gradually learning to become better. I'm getting older and I just want to be the best person I can be, and without the people in my life now I would not be who I am today. And I will not ever dwell over those in my past, there's a reason why they did not make it in my future.
This Summer has yet cease to amaze me, everyday is just so new and I love it. I love having no curfew, not having to come home, going out whenever I want, and just being with people I love most =) And the thing is, I don't even take advantage of it, I always come home before 6, I don't stay out until the next day, and yet I've managed to make time for my family and still keep up with my responsibilities =)
Here's my list of 15 people, not in order:
1. You are like my best friend. You have taken care of me since I was born, we never disagree on much and we have the same mentality. If it wasn't the age difference, I think we could be twins. You have always got my back and help me to become better, always supporting me even if my choices aren't always the best, you knew that I knew what was best for me and you allowed me to grow and make my own mistakes. I don't know who I would be if you weren't in my life because you have taught me so much and is still teaching me. I know I can count on you with my life because you are always there for me no matter what. You're the first person I would come to if anything happens and we know and understand each other so well more than anyone else in this world. I cannot list everything we have done together because we have done so much together, and I'm glad we will have more years to come because I know you will always be by my side everyday for the rest of my life. Your struggle is my struggle, your pain is my pain, we've been through almost everything together, not struggles with one another but as we grew up, I will always love you because you are like my best friend until the very end<3
2. You always introduce me to everyone as your best friend but I always have to say,"we're sisters." Because that is the foundation I feel that we have built since 8th grade. You're basically the only girl friend I would want to keep in my future because I see you in the long run. Although times we don't talk or even hang out, I got so much love for you and I know you do for me. I know that I can just come over to your house and bake a bunch of cookies and brownies and catch up on our whole life, you're my main girl and I'm your "homie g mcgriddles 4 lyphe" =)
3. You're no longer in my life but you played a really big role in it. You showed me what real unconditional love was and you were my best friend. You are the person to determine the rest of the guys I will go out with next because you will always be the exception, not the rule. I never thought it would come down to this, for us to not talk at all, but I have to understand when one person moves on, it's hard on the other who's left alone. I don't feel like I should try to be in your life anymore because no matter how hard I try, you just won't let me in. And the thing is, I should never have to convince someone that I deserve to be in their life or prove anything to anyone. I'm going to move on with my life, with or without you. Like I said, I just want you to be happy and if you're happier with things now, I wouldn't want to ruin it for you because you deserve to be just as happy.
to be continued...
This Summer has yet cease to amaze me, everyday is just so new and I love it. I love having no curfew, not having to come home, going out whenever I want, and just being with people I love most =) And the thing is, I don't even take advantage of it, I always come home before 6, I don't stay out until the next day, and yet I've managed to make time for my family and still keep up with my responsibilities =)
Here's my list of 15 people, not in order:
1. You are like my best friend. You have taken care of me since I was born, we never disagree on much and we have the same mentality. If it wasn't the age difference, I think we could be twins. You have always got my back and help me to become better, always supporting me even if my choices aren't always the best, you knew that I knew what was best for me and you allowed me to grow and make my own mistakes. I don't know who I would be if you weren't in my life because you have taught me so much and is still teaching me. I know I can count on you with my life because you are always there for me no matter what. You're the first person I would come to if anything happens and we know and understand each other so well more than anyone else in this world. I cannot list everything we have done together because we have done so much together, and I'm glad we will have more years to come because I know you will always be by my side everyday for the rest of my life. Your struggle is my struggle, your pain is my pain, we've been through almost everything together, not struggles with one another but as we grew up, I will always love you because you are like my best friend until the very end<3
2. You always introduce me to everyone as your best friend but I always have to say,"we're sisters." Because that is the foundation I feel that we have built since 8th grade. You're basically the only girl friend I would want to keep in my future because I see you in the long run. Although times we don't talk or even hang out, I got so much love for you and I know you do for me. I know that I can just come over to your house and bake a bunch of cookies and brownies and catch up on our whole life, you're my main girl and I'm your "homie g mcgriddles 4 lyphe" =)
3. You're no longer in my life but you played a really big role in it. You showed me what real unconditional love was and you were my best friend. You are the person to determine the rest of the guys I will go out with next because you will always be the exception, not the rule. I never thought it would come down to this, for us to not talk at all, but I have to understand when one person moves on, it's hard on the other who's left alone. I don't feel like I should try to be in your life anymore because no matter how hard I try, you just won't let me in. And the thing is, I should never have to convince someone that I deserve to be in their life or prove anything to anyone. I'm going to move on with my life, with or without you. Like I said, I just want you to be happy and if you're happier with things now, I wouldn't want to ruin it for you because you deserve to be just as happy.
to be continued...
Saturday, June 20, 2009
"In this bright future, you can't forget your past."
Don't ever compare your life with others. Everyone have their own struggles, their own downfalls, their own problems which is their own. You can never say you have it worse because out there, there is someone who is having it worse than you. But it doesn't mean your pain doesn't count, because every pain counts, big deal or not. And although it may not be a big deal to others, it is to the one who's hurting. Just appreciate what you do have and don't look at what you don't have because there are some people who will kill to be in your shoes. And the amazing thing is, everything that you have gone through in the past, just strengthens your character to be better in the future. I'm one to know, and I have never been more grateful or happy in my life to have such an amazing family, wonderful friends, and to be living my life the way I do now. I know people look at me and assume I have everything or I live such a good life just because I'm positive most of the time, but I'm only positive because for me, I've gone through enough to feel as if I can handle anything that comes my way without hesitation. Life is how you make it and I'm living mine up like it's the last day =)
chill nights,
"Jenn you are like one of the guys, but more feminine with class."
Awww, they are too sweet =') I seriously love the guys. Honest to God, I don't run with that many girls because they talk too much. I may just be average plain jane but it ain't the same, I'm not into big names but I like nice things also. Yesterday was really fun, everyone came to my house at 6ish 7, made food and just chilled in my backyard. Got good beats and good eats, played taboo and everyone liked Zooey =) I was so happy when Brandon and Phillip showed up, my two favorites! =) Henry kept messing with me the whole night! :( But it was superrrrr chill for me, I rather have kickbacks with friends then hyped up parties. "Total cockfest." But they all know by now I chill with a bunch of guys, I love drinking and Taboo. I loveeee being Andrea's partner. We seriously can take everyone on hands down. Makes me miss Summer of last year when Jennifer, Eric, Kevin and I would go to Steven's/Andrea's house to drink and barbecue almost everyday and played Taboo + Rockband! But ya'know, everyone change, things change, life goes on. This Summer is going to be ten times better =) Sucks everyone had a curfew though, in my head I'm just thinking how chill my mom really is compared to other parents. I haven't ever been grounded and never had a curfew, and she was chill enough to let me have a kickback when she didn't even know about it until all my friends came. At times I think to myself how I am a brat but at the end of the day no matter how much we argue or anything, she knows I love her to death =) When everyone left paul, henry, james and I played volleyball for a bit, afterward pat picked me up. Chilled with the guys the whole night then got home and knockedddd out =) I appreciate everyone for everything, no doubt about it. Summer is so far sooo good<3
So far my plans for Summer:
1. Was your last kiss a mistake? nope.
2. Have you ever seen somebody get shot? oh my gosh, no.
3. Where is your biological father right now? at work.
4. What is bothering you right now? i want to go do something.
5. Have you ever taken a picture in a bathroom mirror? yes.
6. Do you use big words? sometimes.
7. Have you ever been called a 'slut' or 'man whore'? yeah.
8. Does your head hurt? no.
9. Have you ever rented out a hotel room? mhm.
10. Have you ever injected a drug? no.
11. When was the last time you saw your grandpa? when i was 3 & like last week.
12. Look to your right, what is there? my couch.
13. Do you fight with your parents often? ehh. kinda.
14. Where is the shirt you're wearing from? hot topic.
15. Have you ever been in a car accident? yeah.
16. The thing that was bothering you before, is it still bothering you? yes.
17. Do you know anyone with cancer? no.
18. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? funny how that works.
19. Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine.
20. Last time someone played with your hair? yesterday.
21. What was the best part of your day yesterday? nothing really.
22. Does a kiss make you feel better? i wouldnt know.
23. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? no.
24. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before i get in.
25. How many siblings do you have? one.
26. Are you a morning person or a night? night.
27. Are you there for your friends? all of the time.
28. Are you a forgiving person? yeah, most of the time.
29. Are you mad at anyone? not rlly.
30. Are you an aunt or an uncle? no.
31. Who are three of the best kids in the world? sherman, shane, & emily, haha.
32. Who was the last person you ate out with? jessica & scott.
33. Who was the last person you talked on the phone with? my dad.
34. Are you feeling uneasy about something lately? no.
35. Do you have plans for your next birthday? not yet.
36. Ever punched somebody or been punched? yeah.
37. Anyone from your past come to mind often? no.
38. Are you a jealous person? somtimes.
39. Is your birthday on a holiday? no, but its the day before one.
40. Could you ever be in a long distance relationship with somebody? no.
41. Do you wish somebody would call you? sure.
42. Whats your middle name? nicole.
43. Where were you at noon yesterday? sleeping.
44. Next vacation your going on? i dunno, wisconsin.
45. What color is your hair? brown.
46. Whats the closest blue thing to you right now? pepsi can.
47. What are you excited for? i don't know.
48. Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out? ja.
49. Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex? not like, seriously.
50. Do you like jack and coke? i've never had it.
51. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an A? no.
55. What color are the walls in your room? purple.
56. What is the nicest thing you own that’s not a vehicle? i don't know.
57. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? jeff dunham.
58. Your at a friends want to watch a movie and you get to choose the movie genre what is it? scary.
59. Are you falling for anyone? i guess.
60. Can you cook harder things then spaghetti, pancakes, and macaroni and cheese? yeah.
61. What is your favorite game system? gamecube.
62. Pick a job: casting agent.
63. Are you addicted to myspace? yeah.
64. Are you guilty of having a one-night stand but NOT feeling bad about it the next day? no.
65. Do you know anyone that is currently locked up? yeah.
66. What is your favorite soda? mountain dew.
67. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? no.
68. What three tv channels do you watch the most? just shows: disney, mtv, & i use on demand a lot.
70. Your with a group of people and a couple of them start laughing about something with each other...? i'd ask them what they were laughing about.
71. What is your favorite candy bar? whatchmacallit.
72. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? no.
73. What do you think about the current gas prices? they are soo high.
74. You just won a free trip to one of these 3 places: London, Brazil, or Paris: Which do you choose? london!
75. Have you ever had a best friend pass away? no.
76. Have you ever been in trouble with the police? yes.
77. Have you ever told someone you were single when you really weren’t? no.
78. Do you think you look better naked or clothed? clothed.
79. How many jobs have you had and where? idk, one.
80. If you had a sex tape and someone offered you 3 million dollars to sell it to them would you? i wouldn't have a sex tape in the first place.
81. Do you go to starbucks? yeah.
82. Do you tend to think with your heart or logically? both.
83. What was the worst thing that happened to you today? idk, my dad yelled at me.
84. Has this year been good so far? i guess, yeah.
85. Have you ever been so drunk that you blacked out? no.
85. How long does it take you to get ready? it depends.
86. Have you ever changed your looks to impress other people and not really yourself? no.
87. Do you know a lot about cars? not really.
88. What is your favorite childhood board game? candy land.
89. Do you change best friends a lot? no.
90. Do you think that you’re a good person? yeah.
91. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight? no.
93. What are your plans for the future? go to college & study acting, film, public relations, & some business, move to california & get an apartment and a job waitressing or whatever, then try to get as many jobs as i can as a casting director til i get a really good one.
94. What’s your favorite type of beer? i don't drink beer.
95. What did you do this Valentines Day? nothing.
2. Have you ever seen somebody get shot? oh my gosh, no.
3. Where is your biological father right now? at work.
4. What is bothering you right now? i want to go do something.
5. Have you ever taken a picture in a bathroom mirror? yes.
6. Do you use big words? sometimes.
7. Have you ever been called a 'slut' or 'man whore'? yeah.
8. Does your head hurt? no.
9. Have you ever rented out a hotel room? mhm.
10. Have you ever injected a drug? no.
11. When was the last time you saw your grandpa? when i was 3 & like last week.
12. Look to your right, what is there? my couch.
13. Do you fight with your parents often? ehh. kinda.
14. Where is the shirt you're wearing from? hot topic.
15. Have you ever been in a car accident? yeah.
16. The thing that was bothering you before, is it still bothering you? yes.
17. Do you know anyone with cancer? no.
18. Have you ever hated someone, but ended up being friends with them? funny how that works.
19. Who's bed did you sleep in last night? mine.
20. Last time someone played with your hair? yesterday.
21. What was the best part of your day yesterday? nothing really.
22. Does a kiss make you feel better? i wouldnt know.
23. Have you ever passed out on the bathroom floor? no.
24. Do you start the water before you get in the shower or when you get in? before i get in.
25. How many siblings do you have? one.
26. Are you a morning person or a night? night.
27. Are you there for your friends? all of the time.
28. Are you a forgiving person? yeah, most of the time.
29. Are you mad at anyone? not rlly.
30. Are you an aunt or an uncle? no.
31. Who are three of the best kids in the world? sherman, shane, & emily, haha.
32. Who was the last person you ate out with? jessica & scott.
33. Who was the last person you talked on the phone with? my dad.
34. Are you feeling uneasy about something lately? no.
35. Do you have plans for your next birthday? not yet.
36. Ever punched somebody or been punched? yeah.
37. Anyone from your past come to mind often? no.
38. Are you a jealous person? somtimes.
39. Is your birthday on a holiday? no, but its the day before one.
40. Could you ever be in a long distance relationship with somebody? no.
41. Do you wish somebody would call you? sure.
42. Whats your middle name? nicole.
43. Where were you at noon yesterday? sleeping.
44. Next vacation your going on? i dunno, wisconsin.
45. What color is your hair? brown.
46. Whats the closest blue thing to you right now? pepsi can.
47. What are you excited for? i don't know.
48. Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out? ja.
49. Have you ever been punched by the opposite sex? not like, seriously.
50. Do you like jack and coke? i've never had it.
51. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with an A? no.
55. What color are the walls in your room? purple.
56. What is the nicest thing you own that’s not a vehicle? i don't know.
57. Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? jeff dunham.
58. Your at a friends want to watch a movie and you get to choose the movie genre what is it? scary.
59. Are you falling for anyone? i guess.
60. Can you cook harder things then spaghetti, pancakes, and macaroni and cheese? yeah.
61. What is your favorite game system? gamecube.
62. Pick a job: casting agent.
63. Are you addicted to myspace? yeah.
64. Are you guilty of having a one-night stand but NOT feeling bad about it the next day? no.
65. Do you know anyone that is currently locked up? yeah.
66. What is your favorite soda? mountain dew.
67. Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? no.
68. What three tv channels do you watch the most? just shows: disney, mtv, & i use on demand a lot.
70. Your with a group of people and a couple of them start laughing about something with each other...? i'd ask them what they were laughing about.
71. What is your favorite candy bar? whatchmacallit.
72. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? no.
73. What do you think about the current gas prices? they are soo high.
74. You just won a free trip to one of these 3 places: London, Brazil, or Paris: Which do you choose? london!
75. Have you ever had a best friend pass away? no.
76. Have you ever been in trouble with the police? yes.
77. Have you ever told someone you were single when you really weren’t? no.
78. Do you think you look better naked or clothed? clothed.
79. How many jobs have you had and where? idk, one.
80. If you had a sex tape and someone offered you 3 million dollars to sell it to them would you? i wouldn't have a sex tape in the first place.
81. Do you go to starbucks? yeah.
82. Do you tend to think with your heart or logically? both.
83. What was the worst thing that happened to you today? idk, my dad yelled at me.
84. Has this year been good so far? i guess, yeah.
85. Have you ever been so drunk that you blacked out? no.
85. How long does it take you to get ready? it depends.
86. Have you ever changed your looks to impress other people and not really yourself? no.
87. Do you know a lot about cars? not really.
88. What is your favorite childhood board game? candy land.
89. Do you change best friends a lot? no.
90. Do you think that you’re a good person? yeah.
91. Have you ever gotten into a drunken fight? no.
93. What are your plans for the future? go to college & study acting, film, public relations, & some business, move to california & get an apartment and a job waitressing or whatever, then try to get as many jobs as i can as a casting director til i get a really good one.
94. What’s your favorite type of beer? i don't drink beer.
95. What did you do this Valentines Day? nothing.
I don't even know why I've been trying so hard to be in your life because honestly, you don't care nor appreciate that I've been trying to make effort. I know I moved on and everything but that's completely normal when a couple break up. I mean, you're trying to move on too right? Telling your friends to hook you up with someone, who I might add has a boyfriend. I feel like I'm being punish for moving on so now I have to make it up ten times harder to finally be in your life. But honestly, I don't need you. I don't think I ever needed you. I think for me, I still want you in my life only because I'm so used to you being in my life. Sometimes I think back, maybe I should've given us a chance again, but I gave you the ultimatum and you didn't try. So that isn't my fault, you figured that I wouldn't move on or something that's why you never tried or put effort. I can't look back at our happy times and forget all the times you treated me bad. I'm not ever going to overlook that because once I do, it just means I'm giving in to the thought of being alone. We're completely two different people now and I'm glad this whole entire time, I remained true to myself and fought for what I wanted. In the end, I tried my best and my hardest and that's all I could ever do.
I'm done trying. You don't want me in your life then you got it, because if you wanted me in your life then you would not ever push me away or do anything to lose me. If you still loved me and wanted to be with me then you would disregard everything that happened and still be with me, because if you want someone enough, there's no excuse.
But here's the truth, I don't want to be in a relationship. I love my life right now, everything is just so great and smooth sailing. Relationships becomes a burden to me because I'm always having to worry about where the person is, who they're with, what they're doing or what trouble they could get into. I've been overlooking the good guys, I know that, I've got great guys who wants to be there for me and how come I'm not with them? Well, I guess because I still want them in my life and if they're so great, it's worth the wait. Right now I just want to have fun. I want to be dependent on myself and even though being in love is the best feeling and having someone you can do everything with and just feel so crazy for, I can't just want someone to have someone. I need to focus on myself and really take control of my life.
Tonight was pretty fun for me, thank you guys for coming =) I did have fun! So more play time at my house! Blog more about it later! Heading out now, gooosenye =)
I'm done trying. You don't want me in your life then you got it, because if you wanted me in your life then you would not ever push me away or do anything to lose me. If you still loved me and wanted to be with me then you would disregard everything that happened and still be with me, because if you want someone enough, there's no excuse.
But here's the truth, I don't want to be in a relationship. I love my life right now, everything is just so great and smooth sailing. Relationships becomes a burden to me because I'm always having to worry about where the person is, who they're with, what they're doing or what trouble they could get into. I've been overlooking the good guys, I know that, I've got great guys who wants to be there for me and how come I'm not with them? Well, I guess because I still want them in my life and if they're so great, it's worth the wait. Right now I just want to have fun. I want to be dependent on myself and even though being in love is the best feeling and having someone you can do everything with and just feel so crazy for, I can't just want someone to have someone. I need to focus on myself and really take control of my life.
Tonight was pretty fun for me, thank you guys for coming =) I did have fun! So more play time at my house! Blog more about it later! Heading out now, gooosenye =)
Friday, June 19, 2009
Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is...just...moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope." -He's Not That Into You
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
last goodbye,
My day started out with going to run errands with husbanggg Tiffany and Kim then headed to Bolsa's Graduation for Kevin. I know we're not talking and neither are we together but of course I still care for him a lot and I don't care if he wouldn't want me to be there because I would not miss it for the world. When they were reading the speeches, I literally thought back to my years at Bolsa and how Kevin was basically there the whole time. I do miss him, I miss everything, but that's the whole point of growing up, things eventually change. I started to cry, which I know I was being such a cheeseball but I can't believe how fast time flew by. My freshmen year up until the day I transferred he was in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. I saw his family, I miss his mom so much but I know that everyone knows we're no longer together. I love talking to his aunt though and her boyfriend, they always make me feel so comfortable as if I never have to try. I know that even though things between us changed, I still love him, no matter what the circumstances are.
There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
I don't care what people have to say, it doesn't matter what they think, their assumptions, their thoughts of or about me. I know who I am, and it doesn't affect me when people judge me. My job is to be myself and no one else but myself. No one really knows who I am, they don't know my struggle and what I go through or have gone through. They don't understand my intentions and they won't ever know how I'm feeling. I don't need anyone's affirmation to do things that I think is best or right for myself, and I don't have to explain myself to the world. They see me in front of them, but they don't see me for who I really am. I shouldn't have to convince people anything or make them do what they don't want. If you want me in your life, you would do whatever it takes to have me in it because I am worth the effort or trouble. If not, then that's simply it. I don't want people to walk in and out of my life whenever they choose to because it's not always there call.
There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
I don't care what people have to say, it doesn't matter what they think, their assumptions, their thoughts of or about me. I know who I am, and it doesn't affect me when people judge me. My job is to be myself and no one else but myself. No one really knows who I am, they don't know my struggle and what I go through or have gone through. They don't understand my intentions and they won't ever know how I'm feeling. I don't need anyone's affirmation to do things that I think is best or right for myself, and I don't have to explain myself to the world. They see me in front of them, but they don't see me for who I really am. I shouldn't have to convince people anything or make them do what they don't want. If you want me in your life, you would do whatever it takes to have me in it because I am worth the effort or trouble. If not, then that's simply it. I don't want people to walk in and out of my life whenever they choose to because it's not always there call.
ouch,
"He still loves you jenn. I don't get how come you don't see that."
Maybe because I don't believe it. Not that I don't want to, but if you loved me, you would do anything in your control to keep me. You always want what you can't have and realize what you're missing after it's gone.
Maybe because I don't believe it. Not that I don't want to, but if you loved me, you would do anything in your control to keep me. You always want what you can't have and realize what you're missing after it's gone.
Monday, June 15, 2009
free falling into the unknown,
I haven't wrote to Khoi for a week, I just don't know what to write. Somehow I always get writer's block when I pick up a pen or a pencil. Not only that, but I always have so much to say. I hope I get to visit him next week. The guys' graduation would've been tomorrow, and this is the only thing that is bringing me down lately. I just feel as if it's all not real even though I know it is. I just love them so much and I feel like I've completely lost them. I'm going to Vinh's graduation though and maybe Bolsa's. I feel like the whole group split up and we all went out separate ways. At least I did.
This Summer is going to be great. My heart feels so at ease, my mind is at its best state. I'm learning to let go. It was always hard for me to let go of things, to forget it. I feel as if everything has a meaning or it means a lot to me, when really it's just another event in my life. But I'm learning to not hold onto things that won't better me in the future. I need to do what will better me, in my character and in my life. I need to realize one thing, that I am not alone in learning to let go or to be strong.
Today has been one year and four months since Phoenix has been gone...I feel as if time is going by so fast. At the same time, it's moving so slow. Like it's been a year and four months already? This whole experience really taught me to appreciate everything in my life, all the lessons, all the mistakes, all the downfalls and unfortunate events. If it wasn't for any of those, I wouldn't be who I am today. Day by day, life just feels as if it's getting shorter. And for me, I'm going to take advantage of it and just live, breathe, and do what will make me happy. I just want to see the world and be free like a bird. And of course, what's better than spending quality time with the people you love most in your life =)
I'm constantly falling in love. With people, places, objects, environments, and things. Currently I'm in love with Passion Pit, the thought of San Fran, Ryan Reynolds, strawberry lemonade, yoga, dancing to Keri Hilson and red nail polish. Last but not least, Summer. I love finding new things to yearn for, to make my heart skip a beat, to make my days better and easier. I love falling in love itself.
This Summer is going to be great. My heart feels so at ease, my mind is at its best state. I'm learning to let go. It was always hard for me to let go of things, to forget it. I feel as if everything has a meaning or it means a lot to me, when really it's just another event in my life. But I'm learning to not hold onto things that won't better me in the future. I need to do what will better me, in my character and in my life. I need to realize one thing, that I am not alone in learning to let go or to be strong.
Today has been one year and four months since Phoenix has been gone...I feel as if time is going by so fast. At the same time, it's moving so slow. Like it's been a year and four months already? This whole experience really taught me to appreciate everything in my life, all the lessons, all the mistakes, all the downfalls and unfortunate events. If it wasn't for any of those, I wouldn't be who I am today. Day by day, life just feels as if it's getting shorter. And for me, I'm going to take advantage of it and just live, breathe, and do what will make me happy. I just want to see the world and be free like a bird. And of course, what's better than spending quality time with the people you love most in your life =)
I'm constantly falling in love. With people, places, objects, environments, and things. Currently I'm in love with Passion Pit, the thought of San Fran, Ryan Reynolds, strawberry lemonade, yoga, dancing to Keri Hilson and red nail polish. Last but not least, Summer. I love finding new things to yearn for, to make my heart skip a beat, to make my days better and easier. I love falling in love itself.
I've come to realized,
today's the first day I've missed you. Maybe because something little completely triggered me to the thought of you, and that was seeing the sun come up. It reminded me of how we always talked on the phone and you telling me that the sun is almost up. I'm not going to pretend or deny that I don't miss you because I am admitting it now, I do. For the most part, I miss the idea of you. When I look back, this past month, everything seems like such a blur. Like it all just flashed in front of my eyes. How one thing led to another. One day we're in front of my house talking until 5 in the morning, the next, I don't even remember your face. Just a small fragment of how you look is all I can remember right now. How tall you really are compare to me, the little smirk I always make fun of you for whenever you smile without realizing it. It seems like I can't even remember much but at the same time I remember a lot. How when we held hands it was always funny because I always swung my arms...I think you really hated that. When I fall asleep and waking up to feeling sweaty because your blanket weighs like 50 lbs. How you always call me a little monster whenever I make this atrocious grrr sound. Your obnoxious loud cheering while watching the Lakers game. Now I feel as if those memories wasn't with you...or it was with you but then towards the end, when we got in our comfort zone, it wasn't you anymore. You weren't afraid to hurt me, you stopped trying, you didn't care as much. And I continued to distant myself away from you only to see if you will go after me. In the end, I realized, I want someone who wouldn't always want the easy way out. Who wouldn't strike out when things starts to get tough, who isn't afraid of being tied down or doesn't want to feel suffocated. I mean, my phone did stop working and we barely had little to no communication so I felt as if all the feelings were fading so I became more aware and scared of things and wanted to talk to you and see you more. Ha ha, right now it doesn't matter, those are nothing but excuses that I'm using to overlook how we really felt in the end. You always told me you could see yourself with me because we always work everything out in the end. Suddenly more complications showed up and you didn't put in the same effort nor cared if things worked out. As for me, I just didn't think it was worth holding onto anymore especially with how we became. I saw potential in you that I'm sure everyone doubted, then that potential wasn't there anymore. At the beginning when I liked you, I always considered myself Hannah from Maid of Honor. How I didn't want to be "the best friend" and that was where we started to head. Being close friends. And then I remember in the movie when Hannah asked Tom how come he never tried to make a move on her and he said,"I still want you in my life." And it made me come to the conclusion, sometimes relationships do ruin friendships. I think we would've remained good friends still and we would still talk a lot, and I wouldn't care where you were or who you're talking to because I was just a friend. And now it feels like we're completely strangers. Like you were just a character in my life, someone to come test me or bring out either the worst or the best in me. People sometimes ask me, was it worth it? Losing someone who meant the world to me to someone I just met, and I tell them,"Sometimes I don't think it's worth it. Because I lost someone I love to someone I like. But he did treated me well and always swept me off my feet. That's the reason why I did fall for him so he must've done something right. I don't regret anything though, I don't want to say I made a mistake. It's just a lesson." And when I tell people that, the more I say it, the more I do realize it's true. Maybe you're just another person that appeared in my life, but for some reason, you really made me stronger. Because now, I really am happier these past 3 days since things ended than I've been for the past 5 months of my life. And with that, I'm glad that I met you. You made me realize what I really want, what I don't want, what I can handle, what I'm capable of, and how strong I really am. And with these lessons and things I've learn not only from myself, not only from us, but from you, I'll apply it to the future to be better and happier without a doubt.
I said I want someone to love me for my flaws and accept them, appreciate that it makes me, me. And even though I can be hotheaded, stubborn, sometimes naive, everything I'm not made me everything I am.
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe.
I feel it's necessary to blog this because you deserve credit for my happiness right now and I don't want to make it seem like I don't care anymore, because I do care, and because I know once this is written, it will always be in my life.
I said I want someone to love me for my flaws and accept them, appreciate that it makes me, me. And even though I can be hotheaded, stubborn, sometimes naive, everything I'm not made me everything I am.
"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe.
I feel it's necessary to blog this because you deserve credit for my happiness right now and I don't want to make it seem like I don't care anymore, because I do care, and because I know once this is written, it will always be in my life.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
“ No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them, and love you, they don’t mean anything. You love him, you’re willing to wait for him, but he’s a man who should 100% be available to call, see you, and most of all fall madly in love with you. So don’t worry 'cause sometimes the guy realizes he’s made the biggest mistake of his life, and sometimes not, but either way your job is to move on with your amazing life. Cut it loose, and let him miss you. "
Everyone always wonder how can I be okay with things, especially after it's over, and truth is...I learn to accept things as they are and move on with my life. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but the best part about it all is that you won't ever allow yourself to go through or feel that way again. I know the hardest part about time is that it actually takes time but we choose how fast we recover and how long we want to be hurt. People always say, "time will tell,"but to me, time changes nothing. It's us-we change things ourselves.
I may humiliate myself, hurt myself, put myself out there to the world, but at least I go for what I want and don't stop until I get it. I mean, how do you know if it's a good thing or not until you try it? I try my best everyday, I do what I'm capable of, to my own potential and that's all I can ever give. I will never give up hope, and I don't think I will ever lose hope in myself. Sometimes, all you need is to have faith in yourself and know that you're going to be okay if you allow yourself to be happy.
It's weird because my life feels so perfect right now...I don't want to jinx it, but everything's great. I guess it's because I'm in the Summer mood and I don't want to care about unnecessary things so I'm just having fun and really appreciating everything more and more. I love everything right now<3
Everyone always wonder how can I be okay with things, especially after it's over, and truth is...I learn to accept things as they are and move on with my life. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but the best part about it all is that you won't ever allow yourself to go through or feel that way again. I know the hardest part about time is that it actually takes time but we choose how fast we recover and how long we want to be hurt. People always say, "time will tell,"but to me, time changes nothing. It's us-we change things ourselves.
I may humiliate myself, hurt myself, put myself out there to the world, but at least I go for what I want and don't stop until I get it. I mean, how do you know if it's a good thing or not until you try it? I try my best everyday, I do what I'm capable of, to my own potential and that's all I can ever give. I will never give up hope, and I don't think I will ever lose hope in myself. Sometimes, all you need is to have faith in yourself and know that you're going to be okay if you allow yourself to be happy.
It's weird because my life feels so perfect right now...I don't want to jinx it, but everything's great. I guess it's because I'm in the Summer mood and I don't want to care about unnecessary things so I'm just having fun and really appreciating everything more and more. I love everything right now<3
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Lovinnnnnnn' life,
I had such a great night for Robbie's birthday =) I have such cute friends. What kind of party is it if it's not on a party bus! Ha ha ha. Headed out around 6 and arrived at Santa Monica Pier with everyone. Highlight of my night was using the men's restroom! I was THAT desperate and the line for the women's restroom was extremeeeeeely long. The best part was the ride home when...well they know why =) I assume my voice is going to be gone by tomorrow with all the screaming I did. Bring on the Summer nights!
Taqueria runs are my absolute favorite. Especially when it's at 5 in the morning =) I love Summer, more Seaside runs too! I really hope I get to go to San Francisco this year, my second home<3
It's funny how I knew we wouldn't make it but you made me keep having hopes that we could...I doubt you and you proved me right. Now when I go to my getaway place, it's going to remind me of you. I hate that, how you impacted a place I love so much and now I don't want to go therebecause it's just going to remind me of you. But it is MY place, not our's, so I hope when I go to clear my thoughts, it won't bring me back to you.
I am so loving life right now, I don't know what's different but something in me has changed. I don't know what did, but it did for the better. I can't stop smiling =) I feel great, I feel great about myself. I think for a moment I lost myself but I found myself again.
Everything's going to be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end. Alwaysss have faith<3
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I love you, but I can't be with you
is the line of a coward.
It should be:
I love you and I’ll do everything just to be with you because being with you is worth it.
All I know is:
If you really want someone, there is no excuse.
=) I feel happy, and relieved. I guess it's a good thing. I know I deserved better, there's nothing I want to do or could've done differently. Not everything in this world is meant to be fixed.
Lately I've been feeling a lot of mixed emotions. Pretty much due to not being able to see the guys' graduating and also the person who meant most to me graduate. I've been getting all of these dreams that just makes me upset throughout the day because all I can do is think about it. I've come to conclusions about things and the more I accept it, the more bitter I become. But I think it's all over, my heart is finally at ease. One less problem to really worry about. For me, I can't be in a relationship where the other person thinks I care too much, but I guess it's always better when you don't give a sh*t and allow them to do whatever they want. Or, that's what they make it seem. I'm not a person to regret anything in my life, because I know at a point; it was everything I wanted. And those traits and qualities I didn't like, I'll keep that in my mind, to not be with someone with the same flaws. I feel like I can finally be me again, worry about myself, focus on myself, nonetheless, focus on more important things.
On a much heavier note, while I was going to Target with Dotty on Beach and Edinger, we witnessed a kid getting hit by a car while he was riding his bike. I was so traumatized hearing him cry out for help and in pain, I just couldn't bear with the thought of it happening to me. Seeing it actually happened, made me appreciate my life so much more. How anything can happen, accidents do happen, and any day, any minute, my life or the ones I love can be taken away. I ammm so loving my life right now, I'm just becoming more and more positive each day. I know I'm not going to be happy all the time through the day, but by the end of the day I really am grateful.
I got my first job application, I am so excited =) I admit, I love being a workaholic. It keeps me motivated and I feel like I'm doing it for me. Everything feels so much more worth it when you do it on your own. No more negative nancy, I've been disappointed for so long with people letting me down, hurting me, and I'm not going to allow it anymore. I'm going to pick myself up and say to the pain that I've encountered, "you are no longer going to keep me down!" Maybe this is it, my time to shine =) Hopefully. And then hellllllo real world, my world.
"I rather be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."
truth is,
I don't ever think I'm being too selfish, especially when I just want what I want. And even if it is selfish, I just want to be happy. But I do try to set my pride aside so that I can make others happy as well but that's where I'm weak. I put others in front of myself then I end up being the one to get hurt. And it is my fault. My fault for voicing it, for not speaking up when I'm not happy. Truth is, sometimes I'm just too tired to fight for what I want, in most cases because I think that it's not worth it anymore. I'm tired to be the one to fight, or to put effort. Honest to God, I wish there was a single soul out there who was willing to put up as much as a fight for me like I would for them. It makes me sad what I would do for others and they wouldn't even put half the effort back. I don't want anyone to half ass anything with me, it's all or nothing. Everyone, and I mean everyone, keeps telling me I'm only sixteen so I don't need to worry about relationships. To me age does not matter, I think everyone just wants to love and be love. I'm young but I know what love is, I want to be completely heads over heels crazy about someone because that's how the person you're with should make you feel. I don't want that dull awkward silence on the phone type of relationship, where you don't need to see them because it doesn't matter, where you can go days not even caring about what they are doing or where they're at. I want that ridiculous, no-you-hang-up-I-hang-up, always thinking about you, you thinking about me constantly, getting butterflies just talking about them, not wanting to go a day without them kind of relationship.
But for now, I'm just going to focus on myself. No one really deserves my time, my effort, my heart for all that matters. I'm not going to just settle, shoot, because settle means you're going for enough, going for content. Not going for the best, the greatest, the best thing ever. And for me, you only deserve me if you can treat me right and make me happy effortlessly.
But for now, I'm just going to focus on myself. No one really deserves my time, my effort, my heart for all that matters. I'm not going to just settle, shoot, because settle means you're going for enough, going for content. Not going for the best, the greatest, the best thing ever. And for me, you only deserve me if you can treat me right and make me happy effortlessly.
By the way, I finally watched Slumdog Millionaire, it was so amazing. Watching other people's struggles physically and mentally, compared to my own, I feel so blessed. For a great family, great friends, and to be where I am today. I cannot wait to travel and help others, I feel as if I have so much to offer and so much to give that I can help other people pursuit their own happiness. I really love my life.
" Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweat and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. and most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong. "
Sunday, June 7, 2009
“ We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”
— Chuck Klosterman
Saturday, June 6, 2009
in reality,
Great accomplishments take time but are always worth the effort.
I will get where I want and nothing in this world can stop me. It cannot shoot me down, it cannot change my beliefs and views. I won't let it. I believe in myself too much to just let it all go down the drain if I ever fall. I've fallen down so many times before, sometimes on my face, and it hurts to the core but there's nothing you can do but get back up, patch those wounds and get on with your life.
I just received a letter from Khoi, I'm still so jittery from reading it. I miss him so damn much...graduation is in a couple of days and I won't get to see him or the guys. I need to start praying harder, because I can't do much right now but just have faith. I feel so happy that I heard from him but at the same time, it's hitting me so much harder. I keep thinking to myself every night,"how did this happen? How could this happen?" It just sucks so bad right now because things are falling in and out of place. One thing is good, then something else gets worse. Just so unbalance...there's nothing I can do right now but to stay positive because it won't make things any better if I just remain sad. My life is how I make it, and I'm going to make everyday better.
I really want to partake this part from the book I've been reading.
"I'm embarrassed by how little effort on his part it took for me to come back or stay. I was so desperate for him to love me, to want me, to fight for me that I was literally grateful for any mere scrap of effort. I'd made excuses for his inability to treat me well that even the smallest gesture was amplified in my head."
I can't say enough how much I love this book. It relates to me in so many ways, for the most part because it's a breakup book. Hahaha. But it made me realize so much, made me become a better person. Allowed me to really figure out what I wanted and didn't want. It made me stronger and set better standards for my next relationship, and for myself. It's not occurring now, but it did then. That's exactly how I felt, those exact words was literally how I felt. And I'm going to end this blog with the line that made me realize just because he treated me bad, it didn't make him a bad person. It didn't work out because we were both in a relationship, but not a relationship together. To be really honest, he was such an amazing person but "two great people can get together and have horrible chemistry."
I will get where I want and nothing in this world can stop me. It cannot shoot me down, it cannot change my beliefs and views. I won't let it. I believe in myself too much to just let it all go down the drain if I ever fall. I've fallen down so many times before, sometimes on my face, and it hurts to the core but there's nothing you can do but get back up, patch those wounds and get on with your life.
I just received a letter from Khoi, I'm still so jittery from reading it. I miss him so damn much...graduation is in a couple of days and I won't get to see him or the guys. I need to start praying harder, because I can't do much right now but just have faith. I feel so happy that I heard from him but at the same time, it's hitting me so much harder. I keep thinking to myself every night,"how did this happen? How could this happen?" It just sucks so bad right now because things are falling in and out of place. One thing is good, then something else gets worse. Just so unbalance...there's nothing I can do right now but to stay positive because it won't make things any better if I just remain sad. My life is how I make it, and I'm going to make everyday better.
I really want to partake this part from the book I've been reading.
"I'm embarrassed by how little effort on his part it took for me to come back or stay. I was so desperate for him to love me, to want me, to fight for me that I was literally grateful for any mere scrap of effort. I'd made excuses for his inability to treat me well that even the smallest gesture was amplified in my head."
I can't say enough how much I love this book. It relates to me in so many ways, for the most part because it's a breakup book. Hahaha. But it made me realize so much, made me become a better person. Allowed me to really figure out what I wanted and didn't want. It made me stronger and set better standards for my next relationship, and for myself. It's not occurring now, but it did then. That's exactly how I felt, those exact words was literally how I felt. And I'm going to end this blog with the line that made me realize just because he treated me bad, it didn't make him a bad person. It didn't work out because we were both in a relationship, but not a relationship together. To be really honest, he was such an amazing person but "two great people can get together and have horrible chemistry."
edit://
I am amazing and I know that whoever is going to be with me is going to be hella lucky because I have so much love to give and I do have the best intentions. I'm caring and I will always try to be there. I'm being completely honest, it may sound like I'm conceited but trust me, I know who I am and know my best qualities when I see it. Although sometimes I can be unreasonable and bratty at times, I'm just being honest with how I feel and what I want. I deserve only the f*cking best. Honestly, I would never settle especially if someone doesn't deserve me. I don't care if I'm going to be tough in a relationship because I have my standards. I am not going to stick around and continue being in relationships where I'm not happy. I'm not afraid to pull the plug because I rather have it hurt me now then be hurt the whole time and it'll just hurt so much more later on. Bottom line, if someone wants you then they should not do shit to jeopardize their chances of having you. I'm saying this in general. Obviously I want to be with someone who treats me right and know what they have when they have me. Why would I want to get myself in relationships that have the same scenarios as my past ones? There's a reason why those didn't work out so I wouldn't want to continue going down the same road. They're called mistakes so you can learn and move on to bigger and better things.
Friday, June 5, 2009
stay positive,
Sometimes I guess things do have to get worse before they start getting better. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, and a bit lazy I might add. I feel as if I can do something about this but I'm not putting my full effort to try. I hate feeling helpless.
Right now I just want to get away. Not get away from anything, just go and play. It is Summer and I don't want to start it off with complications, especially when it's just internal conflicts that I'm dealing with myself and can easily get over. Kim and I went to drop Karina off at LAX this morning at 4 AM, she's going to North Carolina to visit her boyfriend. I would be too afraid to go on my own, but so far for this Summer, I have three destinations to go. Australia, Washington and San Francisco. I'm sure I'm not going to all three of them though. I can't wait for New York this Winter, just everything about it seems like a dream. And there's no one else I rather go with than my bestfraaand, lover, favoritest person in the world; my sister kimberly fatso nguyen =)
I feel like my life is being put on pause right now. I absolutely hate it, I just want to tell it to start already! I need change, I can easily adapt to things and I just want so much more out of life. There's nothing wrong with wanting more. I will never settle, no such thing as settling in my book. I want what I want and I deserve only the best.
I know that a lot of people think I'm always carefree and optimistic, but trust me, don't wish to be me. Set aside the fact that everyone should be their own person. But everyone somehow perceives me to be the girl to "have it all." I mean, I'm humble and I appreciate it. Just there is always more to me than meets the eye. Yeah I'm happy the majority of the time but I don't pull happiness out of nowhere. I make it happen for myself. Not only that but I'm not going to put myself out there when I'm weak so the world can use all of those reasons to knock me when I'm down. I do have my struggles, and to me, no matter how important or non mediocre your struggle may seem, it's your struggle and it makes you who you are today. I'm glad to hold myself strongly enough for people to at least know I'm always happy and positive, or always trying my best to live my life.
=')
Live the life you'll love, love the life you'll live.
Right now I just want to get away. Not get away from anything, just go and play. It is Summer and I don't want to start it off with complications, especially when it's just internal conflicts that I'm dealing with myself and can easily get over. Kim and I went to drop Karina off at LAX this morning at 4 AM, she's going to North Carolina to visit her boyfriend. I would be too afraid to go on my own, but so far for this Summer, I have three destinations to go. Australia, Washington and San Francisco. I'm sure I'm not going to all three of them though. I can't wait for New York this Winter, just everything about it seems like a dream. And there's no one else I rather go with than my bestfraaand, lover, favoritest person in the world; my sister kimberly fatso nguyen =)
I feel like my life is being put on pause right now. I absolutely hate it, I just want to tell it to start already! I need change, I can easily adapt to things and I just want so much more out of life. There's nothing wrong with wanting more. I will never settle, no such thing as settling in my book. I want what I want and I deserve only the best.
I know that a lot of people think I'm always carefree and optimistic, but trust me, don't wish to be me. Set aside the fact that everyone should be their own person. But everyone somehow perceives me to be the girl to "have it all." I mean, I'm humble and I appreciate it. Just there is always more to me than meets the eye. Yeah I'm happy the majority of the time but I don't pull happiness out of nowhere. I make it happen for myself. Not only that but I'm not going to put myself out there when I'm weak so the world can use all of those reasons to knock me when I'm down. I do have my struggles, and to me, no matter how important or non mediocre your struggle may seem, it's your struggle and it makes you who you are today. I'm glad to hold myself strongly enough for people to at least know I'm always happy and positive, or always trying my best to live my life.
"You know life. That should be the new phrase. I know life. Or like "I am life." HAH."
-Henry Nguyen.
-Henry Nguyen.
=')
Live the life you'll love, love the life you'll live.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
forever ain't enough,
Cute little animals can always make me happy, on the real. I can be such a big softy (:
Alooo world, it doesn't really feel like Summer, I guess because everyday is like Summer for me. Ha ha ha. I'm anticipating for plans this Summer, I love those Summer nights. I enjoy deep talks with friends, especially when they really acknowledge everything you say and admire you for who you are =') I really miss the guys, I miss Khoi so much. I cannot wait for his letter to arrive, I hate dreaming about them because everything feels so surreal. I've really grown to appreciate, love and be there for my friends more than ever. I don't stick around for people who don't put effort, it just proves to me who really is going to be there by the end of the day and who's just going to leave. Hopefully hangout with Vinh soon too.
I cannot wait to go watch Up, I really want to watch it in IMAX but Keeemba told me it's not that different. I just want to go to Downtown Disney as well, and Summer means Disneyland! I hope to go to San Francisco this Summer, home sweet home =) I haven't been very productive lately, I haven't exercise for a very long time but there really isn't much weight to lose. I've been very lazy to eat and I think it always happens to me then I lose weight drastically. I have to eat more because I'm always tired even though I sleep a lot. I need to get my Paul Frank beach cruiser fix too because my tires have been popped for awhile so I haven't rode it around. Zooey also chewed my seat :( I have to give her away soon because we really can't keep her. I'm going to miss her so much though. She's like my witttto baby and I've grown so attached to her. My mom's birthday is in two weeks and Tifffy's birthday is next month and we're going to throw this big ole party for her =) "Indian Vs. Cowboys." So excited for all the events we're doing =) I hope this Summer would be eventful with nonstop adventures and spontaneity.
My recent hair color was brown with blonde highlights and everyone told me to go back to blonde =) But I didn't want to kill my hair so I dyed it to a softer ash blonde since my brown hair was already light. I somehow always like how my hair turns out even though I actually don't know what color it would look like but I'm always lucky enough to have it come out nicely. Also, I don't want to wear contacts anymore because people always mistaken me for another race, plus I want to get used to how I look without it. I think if you look good on the outside, you feel so much better inside =) Every girl, and I mean every single girl in this world should look in the mirror and tell herself she's beautiful. A lot of girls don't give themselves enough credit how they present themselves. Confidence is so important to me and it really brings out the best in you =)
Time stops for no one. Not even for me. I can spend days, hours, minutes, even seconds being sad or I can choose to live my life being happy because it's a much better used of my time. All the time I have in the world I can be helping others also. Life's too short to be anything but happy<3 style="TEXT-ALIGN: center">New memories to be made this Summer...
Alooo world, it doesn't really feel like Summer, I guess because everyday is like Summer for me. Ha ha ha. I'm anticipating for plans this Summer, I love those Summer nights. I enjoy deep talks with friends, especially when they really acknowledge everything you say and admire you for who you are =') I really miss the guys, I miss Khoi so much. I cannot wait for his letter to arrive, I hate dreaming about them because everything feels so surreal. I've really grown to appreciate, love and be there for my friends more than ever. I don't stick around for people who don't put effort, it just proves to me who really is going to be there by the end of the day and who's just going to leave. Hopefully hangout with Vinh soon too.
I cannot wait to go watch Up, I really want to watch it in IMAX but Keeemba told me it's not that different. I just want to go to Downtown Disney as well, and Summer means Disneyland! I hope to go to San Francisco this Summer, home sweet home =) I haven't been very productive lately, I haven't exercise for a very long time but there really isn't much weight to lose. I've been very lazy to eat and I think it always happens to me then I lose weight drastically. I have to eat more because I'm always tired even though I sleep a lot. I need to get my Paul Frank beach cruiser fix too because my tires have been popped for awhile so I haven't rode it around. Zooey also chewed my seat :( I have to give her away soon because we really can't keep her. I'm going to miss her so much though. She's like my witttto baby and I've grown so attached to her. My mom's birthday is in two weeks and Tifffy's birthday is next month and we're going to throw this big ole party for her =) "Indian Vs. Cowboys." So excited for all the events we're doing =) I hope this Summer would be eventful with nonstop adventures and spontaneity.
My recent hair color was brown with blonde highlights and everyone told me to go back to blonde =) But I didn't want to kill my hair so I dyed it to a softer ash blonde since my brown hair was already light. I somehow always like how my hair turns out even though I actually don't know what color it would look like but I'm always lucky enough to have it come out nicely. Also, I don't want to wear contacts anymore because people always mistaken me for another race, plus I want to get used to how I look without it. I think if you look good on the outside, you feel so much better inside =) Every girl, and I mean every single girl in this world should look in the mirror and tell herself she's beautiful. A lot of girls don't give themselves enough credit how they present themselves. Confidence is so important to me and it really brings out the best in you =)
Time stops for no one. Not even for me. I can spend days, hours, minutes, even seconds being sad or I can choose to live my life being happy because it's a much better used of my time. All the time I have in the world I can be helping others also. Life's too short to be anything but happy<3 style="TEXT-ALIGN: center">New memories to be made this Summer...
"I just want you to know,that even if we fight a million times over little things,
we can still make it better."
we can still make it better."
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
smile,
"If you can make a girl smile, you can make her do anything."-Marilyn Monroe.
Besides being completely in love with Marilyn Monroe, I absolutely adore her. She's so inspirational and amazing =)
I believe that when you're mad, upset, sad, whatever it is, and someone tries or even attempts to make you smile, they already got your heart. It sounds so cliche but everyone just loves that feeling ya'know? It's sort of like a remedy that makes everything bad not so terrible afterall because you just forget why you were even upset in the first place.
I admit I've been feeling a bit vulnerable lately, and that's a terrible state I am not used to being in. At least since a very long time now. I've been so happy but I do have my days where it can't always be blissful. Sometimes things do get the best of me. As much as I try not to let it, I'm only one person and I can only handle so much. It's really nothing new to me though, because I've dealt with so many situations before that I can easily deal with it without hesitation. Just lately...I really don't know what has gotten into me. I feel like my mentality just isn't the same anymore. I feel so lost, like, not even the confuse kind of lost. Like I'm literally lost. I don't think I'm making any sense really. I'm always trying to be considerate about everything that I feel as if I'm scared to feel a certain way, or say something I really need to say. To actually take any risks. I'm the kind of person who seizes the day, I do as I please, I do what makes me happy, what's fun, what does scare me but I take a chance on it anyway. I'm just in a nutshell lately. I just feel as if while the world is moving around me, my feet is buried deep into the surface of the Earth and I'm stuck. It's not necessarily a bad thing to me, I don't feel as if it's mediocre enough to be bothered by, I just need to breathe sometimes.
Recent thoughts as of lately:
-I really, really, realllllly want to go on a vacation.
-With all the time in the world I'm always at home reading.
-San Fran, I miss you and your gloomy cold weather.
-I want to dye my hair again. I'm always changing the way I look, I love change, I crave it, it makes everything so much more exciting.
-I need to eat/sleep more.
-I really want my tattoo and I can actually get it, but a tattoo is really important to me so I really want to put more time and thought into it.
-I keep closing my piercings =(
-I haven't had a hamburger/cheeseburger for 3 months almost 4.
-I really miss being a vegetarian.
-Taking Back Sunday's old songs are better than their new ones.
-Having a really good old song play on the radio melts my heart.
-The Postal Service are the best, hands down.
-I want to play Halo 3.
-I can't wait to watch UP.
-Ohana time always makes me happy. Can't get enough of them.
-Yay for Taco Sundays at my house! =)
-You make me happy...most of the time.
-Okay, I lied. Almost all the time only because you're crazy.
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