I've come to realized,

today's the first day I've missed you. Maybe because something little completely triggered me to the thought of you, and that was seeing the sun come up. It reminded me of how we always talked on the phone and you telling me that the sun is almost up. I'm not going to pretend or deny that I don't miss you because I am admitting it now, I do. For the most part, I miss the idea of you. When I look back, this past month, everything seems like such a blur. Like it all just flashed in front of my eyes. How one thing led to another. One day we're in front of my house talking until 5 in the morning, the next, I don't even remember your face. Just a small fragment of how you look is all I can remember right now. How tall you really are compare to me, the little smirk I always make fun of you for whenever you smile without realizing it. It seems like I can't even remember much but at the same time I remember a lot. How when we held hands it was always funny because I always swung my arms...I think you really hated that. When I fall asleep and waking up to feeling sweaty because your blanket weighs like 50 lbs. How you always call me a little monster whenever I make this atrocious grrr sound. Your obnoxious loud cheering while watching the Lakers game. Now I feel as if those memories wasn't with you...or it was with you but then towards the end, when we got in our comfort zone, it wasn't you anymore. You weren't afraid to hurt me, you stopped trying, you didn't care as much. And I continued to distant myself away from you only to see if you will go after me. In the end, I realized, I want someone who wouldn't always want the easy way out. Who wouldn't strike out when things starts to get tough, who isn't afraid of being tied down or doesn't want to feel suffocated. I mean, my phone did stop working and we barely had little to no communication so I felt as if all the feelings were fading so I became more aware and scared of things and wanted to talk to you and see you more. Ha ha, right now it doesn't matter, those are nothing but excuses that I'm using to overlook how we really felt in the end. You always told me you could see yourself with me because we always work everything out in the end. Suddenly more complications showed up and you didn't put in the same effort nor cared if things worked out. As for me, I just didn't think it was worth holding onto anymore especially with how we became. I saw potential in you that I'm sure everyone doubted, then that potential wasn't there anymore. At the beginning when I liked you, I always considered myself Hannah from Maid of Honor. How I didn't want to be "the best friend" and that was where we started to head. Being close friends. And then I remember in the movie when Hannah asked Tom how come he never tried to make a move on her and he said,"I still want you in my life." And it made me come to the conclusion, sometimes relationships do ruin friendships. I think we would've remained good friends still and we would still talk a lot, and I wouldn't care where you were or who you're talking to because I was just a friend. And now it feels like we're completely strangers. Like you were just a character in my life, someone to come test me or bring out either the worst or the best in me. People sometimes ask me, was it worth it? Losing someone who meant the world to me to someone I just met, and I tell them,"Sometimes I don't think it's worth it. Because I lost someone I love to someone I like. But he did treated me well and always swept me off my feet. That's the reason why I did fall for him so he must've done something right. I don't regret anything though, I don't want to say I made a mistake. It's just a lesson." And when I tell people that, the more I say it, the more I do realize it's true. Maybe you're just another person that appeared in my life, but for some reason, you really made me stronger. Because now, I really am happier these past 3 days since things ended than I've been for the past 5 months of my life. And with that, I'm glad that I met you. You made me realize what I really want, what I don't want, what I can handle, what I'm capable of, and how strong I really am. And with these lessons and things I've learn not only from myself, not only from us, but from you, I'll apply it to the future to be better and happier without a doubt.

I said I want someone to love me for my flaws and accept them, appreciate that it makes me, me. And even though I can be hotheaded, stubborn, sometimes naive, everything I'm not made me everything I am.

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe.
I feel it's necessary to blog this because you deserve credit for my happiness right now and I don't want to make it seem like I don't care anymore, because I do care, and because I know once this is written, it will always be in my life.