soul-searching

The only reason why sometimes people are so happy at the beginning but by the end of the day they're still miserable because they absorbed all of these lies just to get by. Then finding out that reality is still going to be there for them to finally face when this whole front and everything is figured out.

I don't blog as much anymore. Sometimes barely at all. I guess you can say I've lost my passion for writing. Or maybe...I just like to keep everything to myself.

I've lost touched with everybody, everyone, the world, and I actually really like it. Probably because it doesn't come with drama, baggage, and just time to figure myself out. I was always the girl that isolated herself and no one ever knew what was up with me, how I am, what I'm doing. I'm so glad I haven't gone through that phase where I have to party to have fun at my age, in my opinion, my mentality is much older and wiser than most. I can easily cope with things that come my way, and yeah I admit, I got my weaknesses but doesn't everybody. Just don't mistake my kindness for weakness because I'm someone who doesn't tolerate and stick around to put up with things if it's just going to trouble my life.

I've been at ease lately and more understanding than usual, but part of me is just biting my tongue. I still hold some things in making it unhealthy because one of these days I'll just blow up. But, I help myself get through it by seeing the stuff that bothers me unnecessary and little so I ignore it or deal with it. Sometimes it's good to speak up when you're not okay with things, other times you really just have to be considerate of everyone and try not to take it to the heart.

Life's good for me, it always is and will be because that's what I make of it. Things will get better, slowly but surely.

love is just love.

You had me feeling like I was the luckiest person in the world, but because you had that power, you knew how to break me down as well. You build me up, with your words, with your affection. But in the end, the outcome of it all turned out worse than I thought. I would've never imagined myself so disappointed and angry at you. I can't even explain in words because when I tell you it goes in one ear and comes out the other. You make no effort at all, you wait until we're not together to try and prove to me we should be together. Why do I even bother? Why is it always me. I guess because I'm not heart-strong and I want to be with you too but when you've been hurting for so long in a relationship; you find it's not worth it. How long do you want me to hold on for until you completely stop caring about me? You're on a verge of doing so already, all you care about is your friends and I don't mind that, they're my friends too. But when it comes down to me, you have no concern whatsoever. I expected more from you, but to you, I was expecting too much. I guess I asked for too much when I ask for you to love me, to treat me like I'm your girlfriend, to be the person whom I fell in love with. But who are you now? I don't even know. Honestly I don't. I see you and I feel like I see a stranger, your intentions, your motives, who the hell are you and what have you done to your old self? If you ask me, I hate who you've become. At least who you have become towards me. I've been fine without you, I realize how much I don't need to depend on you. You're not there for me anyway. Ever. I need something and you put me off to do something else. Regardless whatever it was, I always try to be there for you. You've pushed me away to a limit where I don't want to go back. All I can do is move forward because you don't care about this relationship. If you did you would've done something to kept it, but you let it slip right through your fingers. Maybe you haven't realized that this time, you could lose me. For good. And honestly, I don't care about you anymore. At least I don't want to. You care so much for someone who doesn't appreciate you for the things you've done and is still doing, it only wastes your time and effort. Damn, sometimes I wish you were a girl so you can feel how hurt I am. But you're just a boy, you don't understand. And how you treat me on a daily when we were together is how you treat your friends. Actually I take that back, you treat your friends so much better than you will ever treat me in the future. I think you need to learn how to be a boyfriend again before you start going out with someone else or maybe you can get with someone easy. Who knows, I don't feel anything about love at this point and time. I feel no vulnerability, sadness, aggravation. Love is just love.

It's weird how when we're not actually together, we're still together..I somewhat like this.

The thing about good movies is that everytime you watch it more and more, you find something else that is meaningful and relates to your life. Oh how I was so happy while I was watching The Notebook. And I'm not a big fan of chick flicks either.

So I keep hesitating on trusting you because your intentions as a friend is good but other than that, you're just a big two-face. For a guy too! I mean I know someones fake when I see them and I'm still so surprise people can be completely fake towards someone. Not just to me but to people they have talked about. Maybe that's why I don't socialize with a lot of people because I don't buy their bullshit. Pardon my french but it's true. It's not that hard to just be nice, you don't have to be fake to be nice. And just because I have a strong opinion or don't kiss people's ass like everyone else, doesn't make me a bitch. I mean you can consider it like that just because I'm the only one that can see right through you and not be blind like most others. I don't care, at least I'm honest and have the courtesy to be upfront about it. That's good enough for me.


I do find it ridiculous though when people explain themselves to others. I mean, it's your life. Why keep living up to other people's expectations for? Seriously. Why should you explain and make people understand your motives, perspective, and intentions? That's not living for yourself at all because you're obliged to do what you do because you need affirmation from others. Even if you have done wrong to me, I don't need your explanations. If it's something you believe in then go with yourself, if it isn't, all you need to do is apologize. No explanations needed, and this isn't directed to anyone at all. Just a thought people should reconsider.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is coming up this week. I am completely thankful and might I include blessed, for everything in my life. Physically and mentally, and everyone in it.

20 answers

What I hate more than anything when I'm having some me-time at home is when it's hella freezing. Makes me lazy to watch tv or do anything. Shooot, can't even type on my sidekick because my fingers are so numb too so I'm only using the laptop because I'm listening to music. Can't get enough of Atmosphere!

Anyway, yesterday was Keewee's birthday dinner @ Wasabi but I didn't go. Besides the fact I hate sushi, I wanted to hang out with my cousins because I don't see them enough. Plus I hung out with him on Friday until it was 12 AM right on his birthday. So my cousin's, Tiffy, and I went to watch movies at The Block. Let me tell you, the environment is completely different. Bad different. Well we watched Role Model, good laughs throughout the whole movie =) Went home early, instead of going to keewee's after party at Brandon's I stayed home and talked to Vinh and Kevin. Can't wait until he's down! I miss Kevin on a daily but I miss his cousin Jennifer more<3
I'm disappointed BlogSpot doesn't have smiley's. Even Livejournal has it! If only there wasn't ads on that page everywhere..

Reality is my guilty pleasure.

Everyone's caught up and all into Twilight.

At first I really had no interest in reading it because I hate when everyone is into something just because everyone else is too. But my mind kind of changed when I read a Xanga post that basically criticize the whole entire book making me actually want to read it so I can be one of the few who can actually agree or disagree. Although I am not into those kinds of books like Twilight because I'm more of a nonfiction realistic person. But I guess Twilight is everyone else's guilty pleasure and Edward Cullen is every girl's ideal guy. I'm just surprise how crazy girls are over him. Then again, people probably wonder why I even love guys like Johnny Knoxville, Milo Ventimiglia or my favorite, Edward Norton.

truth be told.

Surprisingly, this time my heart isn't weak. I feel a little vulnerable, yet relieved. But I don't feel sad, I guess because this happened so many times it takes no affect on me.

In the end, your loss not mine. Really, it is.

lightweighted.

So I'm planning to keep this blogspot for random more convenient entries and my Xanga would be for more personal entries. I don't use my LJ anymore either so hopefully I'll keep up with this.

I keep thinking of all the things I would say to you or blog towards you but right when I'm about to write it down, I forget..writer's block?

I watched Sex and the City finally, of course I never like watching the episodes on TV but I knew the movie would be worth watching.

When I feel like everything's so bad, I take a step back and remember how I shouldn't complain because there are some who has it worse than me.

I miss you Phoenix, you're like my guardian angel and keep my worries away. You give me hope and faith, thank you<3