trying to find balance,

My mom and I are always verbally sparring. It gets really tiring. She always have misconceptions of me and all I really ever have is good intentions. I always do things around the house and I live up to my responsibilities to help out more than some of my sisters. Yet, we're always fighting over the littlest things. I do let the things she say get to me because at times I do so much and she overlooks all of it and pick on the little things I do. Then when we actually get into an argument she depicts my weakest points. Honestly, if someone say something about me that isn't true or always overlook the things I do, I don't care what I say or do, I don't ever mean any disrespect but the things I say sometimes aren't the things she's used to hear. I tell it like it is and that's just how I am, I'm honest to everyone and how I truly feel. If she doesn't like what she hears then don't listen to me because I learn to just ignore almost everything negative she say towards me or about me. I love her to death but at times I just feel as if no matter what, she won't appreciate me because she's not happy.

I just want to get a job, work hard for the money, start my career. I do want to leave some things behind when I move because it doesn't mean much to me. I've grown accustom to a few things and it has many values to me, but everything else is just a chapter in my life. Just a little speed bump that I drove over quickly and although it hit me, it didn't stop me from moving on. This is me going to be honest, on the real. Truth is, I just want to wake up everyday, look pretty, and that's all I need to do. That's my job. I know, naive, I'm just being completely honest. But nothing in life worth having comes easy so I'll work hard from scratch, from dirt for all of that matters because one of these days, you'll see my name somewhere and I'll be living my life exactly how I want.

The reason I don't want to meet more people, get to know anyone, give guys a chance, befriend someone so quickly is because I don't want to get attached. I know once it's all over, it doesn't mean anything to me later on in life because I'll be at a different place I am now. I'm not really living life right? Not taking as much risks as I keep saying I will? Well, a big contradiction there but all in all, I don't want to be just anyone. I don't want to be overrated. I love the feeling of people not knowing anything about me, or know what's going on with me or haven't seen me because once they do see me again, it's like a refreshed feeling how they're not used to you and you're so new and they adore you from the start. It's a little bit more complicated than that, the feeling I'm talking about, but mainly I don't want to be "around" and overrated. I like to be conservative away from everyone else. And I'm great at it. I honestly don't have a problem with that.