I've been so overwhelmed lately with planning Tiffy's birthday party. All I've been doing is running errands and cleaning the house and the gigantic backyard. I passed up grunion running earlier tonight with the guys because I was being a homebody. I realized how much I love being at home so much sometimes. All I did was blast up Blink 182, The Ting Tings and Taking Back Sunday sooo loud and danced all night. I felt like so much weight lifted off my shoulders. It was relaxing and I think because all of the blood rushed through my head and made me so excited for the concert this September. I felt complete for some odd apparent reason, I was so blissful.
Yesterday was really fun. Went bowling with Gina, Tam, Pat and Son =) Ran into Kevin and his family there, which was the first time I saw him since graduation. What made it more awkward was that our lane ended up being next to theirs. Apparently our screen didn't work so we had to change lanes though. The whole night we just drank and bowl, I kept dropping the ball every time I attempt to throw it. Sadly I lost against everyone but I beat Tam because, well, he reallllllllly sucks =) Afterward Pat and Gina headed home, Tam, Son and I headed to Seaside which made it my second night in a row. Got croissants and walked on the beach. I loved the water because it wasn't as cold but I'm sick so I didn't want to swim both nights. I'm feeling so much better though but my wisdom teeth is growing out even more so my gums are getting really swollen. Got home around 3 and danced with kim then talked until we both fell asleep.
For some reason when I saw him, I was really happy and I just wanted to talk/hug him. Then I remember, I couldn't. We're not best friends, matter of fact we're not really even friends at all. I really just want us to be friends again, but I know how selfish I'm being by wanting him to talk to me and be my friend right away. I know I'm acting like it's so easy when it's not that simple. There's a voice that always pulls me back saying,"You moved on, he moved on. You both are different people now. Get on with your life." That voice...that voice in my head that always fight against my heart. That voice always over powers my feelings inside and it wants me to be mad at him, it wants me to list all of the cons of what went wrong, it makes me want to remember why we ended, how bad he treated me, who he really is now. Yet, my heart tells me that's my best friend. That's a great person with a great heart, who honestly is right for me, but at the wrong time. And then I'm back to square one. I know I miss him because I was so used to him being in my life. I look at Summer this year and compare it to last year and I see how everything drastically change. I admit, I do love being alone though. I'm the better me, I'm the best that I can actually be. I just want to be by myself and with no one else. I don't have time to be in a relationship, I'm just not ready to give my heart to anyone. Maybe he still has it? I don't know. Because I know I'm not in love with him anymore but I still really love him as a person. I guard my heart so much that I don't even know what to feel about love anymore. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I don't know how to love someone again, or how to start liking someone again, or even have a crush on someone because no one is worthy of my time. Everyone I meet are all the same, same mentality, same front.
"Women marry men hoping to change them,
men marry women hoping they won't ever change."
-Cosmopolitan.
men marry women hoping they won't ever change."
-Cosmopolitan.
I thought that was really cute =)
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