Not all those who wander are lost,

I think I sort of lost myself, in many ways, in many moments in my life. And I'm certain that I still haven't found my way but I don't think finding out or being found is what I want or wanted. Even when I have no idea what's going on. I think I've lead myself in paths that weren't familiar to me, and I just kept wandering 'til I came to a stop. A lot of times, it lead me to new beginnings, new roads, and sometimes I feel as if I knew where I was going all along.

To be honest, I'm not the kind to ponder or dwell on things. I don't get sad often, nor am I ever pessimistic even when worst comes to worst. But recently, extremely recently, I broke down. In the worst way possible. I heard myself, I heard my cries, I heard the words coming out of my mouth. I talk to myself a lot...when I'm sad or frustrated. I don't think anyone have ever witnessed me in a breakdown, or even see or witness me show any sort of emotions. I just like dealing with things my own way. I realized, even in the darkest hours of the night, you will eventually see light. Maybe not now, but, eventually. When I feel a certain way, I never feel it for too long. I occupy myself, my heart, my mind with only positive vibes and a better perspective on things. That's all it took though, a good cry. A good cry for me to confess my deepest concerns and shed light on what I've been pretending to not feel. Saying it out loud feels good. Saying it to someone else feels even better.

Johnson picked me up this morning, at 6:07 AM at my house so he can take me to his house. It's sososo hard for me to talk to people. About my own feelings. It's so hard for me to let my walls down, I just don't let people in. But as we lie in bed together, hand-in-hand, face-to-face, I told him,"I've been pretty unhappy. I act and pretend to be happy so that I don't hurt anyone. So I don't hurt you...but I end up being hurt." And he tells me,"I love you so much. I never want to lose you. You're amazing and it took me a long time to realize that it wasn't what I was doing wrong. It was what I wasn't doing for you. I'm sorry."

For awhile I thought I lost my heart. Somewhere, somehow, I don't know. I didn't know. My heart and mind was never aligned together. I guess I didn't technically lose it; I just hid it away, but needless to say, I'm finding it again. Or it, found me.

Perfect date,

Johnson and I went to one of my favorite places in the world, got the usual ham n' cheese, best thai tea, pizza, and watched the waves at the beach while the wind was blowing through my hair. It was really, really nice.

The best of the best,

I don't believe in the term best friends but, with you, it's kind of different. I still don't say you're my best friend, you're my number 32 forever and ever. No matter how bad things get between us or how good things can become, by the end of the day, I cherish our friendship. Even when you're too busy to call or to even text me back. I know we will always try to make things work. You're one of the best<3

I will follow you into the dark,

I was dreading getting out of bed for work today. Not because of work itself, because I love work, but I wanted to lay in bed for a little bit more with Johnson. Every morning when one of us wake up, we turn over and hug each other. Most of the time, it's always him since I can sleep in until forever. Today as I was getting ready, I just jumped on the bed and cuddled with him until I had to leave. It was nice.

I am very well aware that I have full control of my emotions, my actions, and mostly myself. Everything I do determines the results in my life. Good and bad. I've learned to really live in the moment, even if in that moment something can be bad for me, but only in that moment have I lived and it was everything I want. No regrets here.