You said a long, long time ago, you were happy being someone.

At times I get lonely, I get sad, I get vulnerable even...but I hold up my fingers and list ten positive things about my life, and I just remember to count my blessings. Each and everyday. I am lucky to be alive, I am blessed to have such an amazing family, Chocolate Chip, some of the greatest friends you could ever ask for, and, a boyfriend who loves me. I have anything and everything I've ever needed. I need to remember that.

Respect others and be respected in return,

I don't know if it's me as a person, or because how nice I am, but I always encounter/become friends with guys who can care less that I'm taken. Like seriously, every boyfriend or guy I've ever been with, I always have that one "friend" that still tries to pursue me. I'm really nice, so of course I'm not going to tell them off or anything and eventually just ignore them, or start talking to them less. It occurred recently that there's this one specific guy who will not go away. No matter what I say, how much I try to avoid being mean, they still don't get it. It's like, no I am not interested, I bring up my boyfriend in almost conversation to put it out there, and it's still not working. In other words, get off my nuts. I've encountered a lot of guys like this before...and it just makes me wonder, why are there some people out there who do not have any respect for other people's relationships, or even their own?

I hate homewreckers the most and I absolutely hate cheaters. I honestly think people who homewreck and cheat do not have any respect for themselves, leading them to not having any respect for other people. If you have ever homewrecked or cheated, you obviously have some issues. Especially insecurity issues because you feel the need to have attention from someone new, you need to be reminded that you're wanted, and clearly you don't think you're good enough. When you homewreck, are you pleased with the fact that you're not that person's girlfriend/boyfriend, you're just someone on the side? That person can tell you that they're going to leave their boyfriend or girlfriend for you, but how do you know they're not just saying it to play around with you? When you cheat, how do you feel doing that to someone you clearly say you care about? Oh wait, you obviously didn't care about them that's why you did it. How do you feel being known as unfaithful, or that you go around?

There are certain situations where "it just happened." Maybe that person is the person you're supposed to be with or meant to be with, but if that was the case, don't even stay with your boyfriend or girlfriend anymore. If it has occurred more than once, then obviously you keep choosing to do that to your significant other. I don't have any respect for homewreckers and cheaters, no matter what the situation is. Respect means a lot to me, so if I don't respect you, you're nothing to me. I feel strongly for this subject. My ex-boyfriend almost strayed away from me, and I almost strayed away from my significant other at a point, then I learned that I should not ever do that to a person I care about or anyone at all. No one deserves that. I even stopped being friends with a girlfriend recently because she thought it was okay to homewreck one of our close friend's relationship. I mean, how fake are you if you can be someone's friend, while wanting her boyfriend all of this time and you actually pursue it? I don't care how close you were or are to me, if I don't have any type of respect for you, then I cannot be your friend. You are also no longer in my life because I do not care about you as a person.

I try my best to not be biased, honestly, I really do. I think I'm one of the sweetest person you'll ever meet in your life, and I DO TRY MY BEST to see both sides of every situation. Trust me, I try very, very, hard to do so. It gets hard though because I love my friends to death and I would do anything for them and never want them to get hurt. I only look out for them because that's what friends do for each other. I try not to be mean about it, but some people just don't get it and still cross that line continuously and that's where I come in. Don't get me wrong, I'm still nice doing so, but I'll make it my job to make them know what is up.

Nothing great in this world has ever been accomplished without passion,

Passion is one of the things that I've been lacking and it's one of the most important things too. I don't really have passion for anything anymore, not even for love or passion itself. I decided to go through my old Photobucket to stir up some ideas, just to be inspired...only to realize, I've changed so much. Good and bad. I used to be so inspired visually. Every piece of art, a photo, anything and everything, I just save it and I hold it so close to me. But now, I can't seem to connect with anyone or anything. Maybe it's my fault. I tried to grow up too fast on my own, I let many opportunities slip away, and I didn't live in the moment at some point.

To be honest, I sort of miss how I used to be. I was so amazed by the simplest things. I loved everything. The sun, the Earth, the moon, the ground I walked on. I don't know when or which part of me changed, but I sort of wish for that part of me to come back. Maybe because the fire in my heart has burn out, and now I'm empty. Sounds kind of, depressing? It's not. I'm still a very happy camper. But I feel like an empty vase sometimes. I used to enjoy writing so much, it was my thing. Going back to read my Xanga posts, I just feel as if my perspective has changed so much. Of course, humans are always changing. I just don't enjoy writing like I used to, but I guess because I've lost touched with it. Sometimes, there's nothing I can write that explains how I feel and sometimes, there's so many things but you just can't seem to put it in words. When people ask me what am I majoring in or what do I want to be, I say a journalist. I really, really thought I wanted to be a journalist or a therapist. I'm hesitant at times because I know my heart hasn't belonged there for awhile. I used to love graphic/web designing too, although it was amateur and for fun, it made me happy. Spending countless of hours until the sun comes up to have the results come out better than I expected. That accomplished feeling.

Wait.

That must be it also. I feel like I haven't accomplished anything lately. Nothing major at least. I'm a good girlfriend, daughter, friend, and coworker, yet, it's not enough for me. I know I can do and be better. I always believe that there's room for improvement, especially if you're not completely pleased with yourself. I think maybe this fall when school comes back, maybe, just maybe, I'll sit myself down and actually finish something. I am really hoping to gain some self discipline. That's something I also lack. I've always done what I like, whenever I liked. I know my rights and wrongs, my beliefs and morals, I just live how I want to. But I do fully understand, nothing worth it comes easy.

While all of my (older) friends are on their way to becoming a nurse, or, something in the medical field, I daydream about being in a band, traveling, sitting in the same room as Abbey Lee Kershaw or Karl Lagerfeld. My dreams are a lot more different than others or those around me, that's why I've always told myself that everyone goes at their own pace. I need to start somewhere though, and it starts with one single step. I am honestly hoping that when I go back and read this in a few weeks, months, even years, that I have already changed for the better and well on my way to becoming the person i want to be.

With love,
jenniferanne.