so futuristic,

Yesterday was the first time I admitted to someone else, other than to myself and the people I'm closest to, that I do still love him. I'm not in denial, I can admit it. But the thing is...everything have changed so much. He has, I have, things and situations are definitely different now. There's nothing to do but to move on when things aren't like before. It's true though, he is/was the bestest boyfriend I ever had and because he's the first guy I ever loved, he determines the rest of the guys I'm with or get to know later on. I do think about him often, only because I feel like we have so much unfinished business left, but for now, until that day we can finally be friends and talk to each other again, I'm going to continue my life with or without him.


I'm not allowing myself to get closer to you even though that is all I want. You know the saying, whatever happen happens or when they'll come they'll come? Well, I'm just pushing you away because I don't want anything to happen even though it's gradually happening right now. I have felt like this before and I did miss a great opportunity to be with someone who honestly treated me so well. I guess in some aspects, when something is too much of a good thing, I'm scared to be happy because what if I get too caught up being happy then if it ends I'll just be miserable. I know, I know, life's not based on what-ifs and maybes. I know I shouldn't be scared of all the things that could go wrong and start thinking about all the things that could go right...but I just can't. It will take so much more for me to let down my guards. I don't want a Summer fling, I don't want flings, period. I don't even want to be in a relationship for that matter. Although at times I want someone but I'm the kind of person who wants to be emotionally attached to someone if I'm with them. I'm not ready to worry about another person, I'm not ready to have my heart handled by someone else, I'm not ready to trust, to feel, to have them always in the back of my mind. I want to focus on myself. I don't want that half-ass relationship either. I want to miss them, want them, be sad if they're sad, listen to their concerns, not just have my body want them but have my heart and soul want them. Sometimes it's not even being with someone that I miss. It's the reassurance, the security, the comfort zone. It's the things you do with them that you miss because you're so used to doing it. Having someone who you can fall asleep with and knowing the next morning, they'll still be right next to you. Someone who would play Halo with you nonstop and help you get over your fears. Someone who makes you feel so alive to the point where even if it hurts you, it's all worth it. That passionate crazy mediocre love that everyone wants but never get to the point of. That's what I miss. Not the terrible fights, the punching walls, the biking for miles just to get away, the throwing phones on the floor or screaming in public. But all in all, I just want someone I can just be myself with and be crazy to, be flawed to and have them love me simply just for me.

The greatest irony of love is having someone so right for you,
but at the wrong time...

1. You have to be at least 5 inches taller than me.
2. If you can make me smile, you really can make me do anything.
3. I don't like long walks on the beach. I rather walk on the pier.
4. I feel my best when I look great.
5. Consideration is what I look most in people. And genuineness.
6. I hate when people are mean to me. So don't be or you're out of my life.
7. I'm not hard-headed, I'm pretty patient and understanding.
8. But I am a smart girl, I just need thicker skin.
9. If we have the same taste in music, you're already halfway there.
10. Guys who do drugs will never make it in my book. And smoking is beyond unattractive.
11. Cars is my kind of language...talk AE86 to me. Ha ha ha<3
12. Never blunt, always respectfully straight-forward.
13. In my ideal world, I would have 3 boyfriends. Edward Norton, Andy Samberg, and Milo Ventimiglia.
14. I love dogs, be an animal person and I'll be heads over heels.
15. Don't let me eat chocolate a lot, you would save my life.
16. I hate massages. They're terrible. They really hurt.
17. My tattoos will consist of my inspirations, most of them are idols from the past.
18. Small girl, big heart. Small body, but I like to take on big challenges.
19. I'm a big procrastinator. Big time. Laziness always gets the best of me.
20. Hands down, I'm too proud for love.