truth is,

The closer I get to people physically, the more disconnected I feel with them emotionally. I may go out everyday and have the time of my life, but by the end of the day I still feel alone. It's just this isolation feeling I always put myself up to. That feeling where I may be there with them but I'm not really there at all. I choose for things to go the way they go and I choose to feel the way I'm feeling. I don't really feel a close connection towards anyone personally just because they've already provide me the physical closeness and that's all I thought I needed from my friends. I just don't allow them in on another level; on an emotional level that is because I feel like when it comes down to it, no one can help me but myself. I rather not share my thoughts or deepest concerns with anyone for that matter. But friends are there to listen and help you out because they want to, right? Well, I've always felt as if it's my job to be the wise one, the one to listen, the one to help and give a piece of an advice so I never expected it in return. That just leads me to being the one who doesn't ever rely on anyone to seek for help. I've always had the habit of shutting people out or not letting anyone in. I'm not sure if I'm even making any sense but these are my current thoughts as of lately. I can hang out with my friends all the time and do everything with them but yet, I still don't feel close to them.

By the end of the day, I just feel like it's me, myself, and I against the world.

I'm glad to say my feelings are never consistent when it comes to guys. It may sound like a bad thing but in my opinion it's good that I never get too attached straight off the bat. If I like you one day or have any interest in you but then something else occur, example like I don't see myself with you, your commitment perspective doesn't match up to me or some kind of quality in you isn't what I look for then I can just cut you off right there. But if you can keep my interest and make me happy, I'll make it worth the while. I know I may be a mess, crazy, and sometimes nothing but trouble, but that's who I am. I rather be absolutely ridiculous than be absolutely boring. Life's too short to live by the rules, honestly to me, there are no rules. YOU MAKE THE RULES YOURSELF.