Lovinnnnnnn' life,

I had such a great night for Robbie's birthday =) I have such cute friends. What kind of party is it if it's not on a party bus! Ha ha ha. Headed out around 6 and arrived at Santa Monica Pier with everyone. Highlight of my night was using the men's restroom! I was THAT desperate and the line for the women's restroom was extremeeeeeely long. The best part was the ride home when...well they know why =) I assume my voice is going to be gone by tomorrow with all the screaming I did. Bring on the Summer nights!

Taqueria runs are my absolute favorite. Especially when it's at 5 in the morning =) I love Summer, more Seaside runs too! I really hope I get to go to San Francisco this year, my second home<3

It's funny how I knew we wouldn't make it but you made me keep having hopes that we could...I doubt you and you proved me right. Now when I go to my getaway place, it's going to remind me of you. I hate that, how you impacted a place I love so much and now I don't want to go therebecause it's just going to remind me of you. But it is MY place, not our's, so I hope when I go to clear my thoughts, it won't bring me back to you.

I am so loving life right now, I don't know what's different but something in me has changed. I don't know what did, but it did for the better. I can't stop smiling =) I feel great, I feel great about myself. I think for a moment I lost myself but I found myself again.

Everything's going to be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end. Alwaysss have faith<3

I love you, but I can't be with you

is the line of a coward.

It should be:

I love you and I’ll do everything just to be with you because being with you is worth it.

All I know is:

If you really want someone, there is no excuse.

=) I feel happy, and relieved. I guess it's a good thing. I know I deserved better, there's nothing I want to do or could've done differently. Not everything in this world is meant to be fixed.

Lately I've been feeling a lot of mixed emotions. Pretty much due to not being able to see the guys' graduating and also the person who meant most to me graduate. I've been getting all of these dreams that just makes me upset throughout the day because all I can do is think about it. I've come to conclusions about things and the more I accept it, the more bitter I become. But I think it's all over, my heart is finally at ease. One less problem to really worry about. For me, I can't be in a relationship where the other person thinks I care too much, but I guess it's always better when you don't give a sh*t and allow them to do whatever they want. Or, that's what they make it seem. I'm not a person to regret anything in my life, because I know at a point; it was everything I wanted. And those traits and qualities I didn't like, I'll keep that in my mind, to not be with someone with the same flaws. I feel like I can finally be me again, worry about myself, focus on myself, nonetheless, focus on more important things.

On a much heavier note, while I was going to Target with Dotty on Beach and Edinger, we witnessed a kid getting hit by a car while he was riding his bike. I was so traumatized hearing him cry out for help and in pain, I just couldn't bear with the thought of it happening to me. Seeing it actually happened, made me appreciate my life so much more. How anything can happen, accidents do happen, and any day, any minute, my life or the ones I love can be taken away. I ammm so loving my life right now, I'm just becoming more and more positive each day. I know I'm not going to be happy all the time through the day, but by the end of the day I really am grateful.

I got my first job application, I am so excited =) I admit, I love being a workaholic. It keeps me motivated and I feel like I'm doing it for me. Everything feels so much more worth it when you do it on your own. No more negative nancy, I've been disappointed for so long with people letting me down, hurting me, and I'm not going to allow it anymore. I'm going to pick myself up and say to the pain that I've encountered, "you are no longer going to keep me down!" Maybe this is it, my time to shine =) Hopefully. And then hellllllo real world, my world.

"I rather be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."

truth is,

I don't ever think I'm being too selfish, especially when I just want what I want. And even if it is selfish, I just want to be happy. But I do try to set my pride aside so that I can make others happy as well but that's where I'm weak. I put others in front of myself then I end up being the one to get hurt. And it is my fault. My fault for voicing it, for not speaking up when I'm not happy. Truth is, sometimes I'm just too tired to fight for what I want, in most cases because I think that it's not worth it anymore. I'm tired to be the one to fight, or to put effort. Honest to God, I wish there was a single soul out there who was willing to put up as much as a fight for me like I would for them. It makes me sad what I would do for others and they wouldn't even put half the effort back. I don't want anyone to half ass anything with me, it's all or nothing. Everyone, and I mean everyone, keeps telling me I'm only sixteen so I don't need to worry about relationships. To me age does not matter, I think everyone just wants to love and be love. I'm young but I know what love is, I want to be completely heads over heels crazy about someone because that's how the person you're with should make you feel. I don't want that dull awkward silence on the phone type of relationship, where you don't need to see them because it doesn't matter, where you can go days not even caring about what they are doing or where they're at. I want that ridiculous, no-you-hang-up-I-hang-up, always thinking about you, you thinking about me constantly, getting butterflies just talking about them, not wanting to go a day without them kind of relationship.

But for now, I'm just going to focus on myself. No one really deserves my time, my effort, my heart for all that matters. I'm not going to just settle, shoot, because settle means you're going for enough, going for content. Not going for the best, the greatest, the best thing ever. And for me, you only deserve me if you can treat me right and make me happy effortlessly.

By the way, I finally watched Slumdog Millionaire, it was so amazing. Watching other people's struggles physically and mentally, compared to my own, I feel so blessed. For a great family, great friends, and to be where I am today. I cannot wait to travel and help others, I feel as if I have so much to offer and so much to give that I can help other people pursuit their own happiness. I really love my life.

" Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances, for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you. Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweat and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them. and most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that’s where you belong. "

“ We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you classify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you’ll meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there’s still one more tier to all this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.”

— Chuck Klosterman