I don't even know why I've been trying so hard to be in your life because honestly, you don't care nor appreciate that I've been trying to make effort. I know I moved on and everything but that's completely normal when a couple break up. I mean, you're trying to move on too right? Telling your friends to hook you up with someone, who I might add has a boyfriend. I feel like I'm being punish for moving on so now I have to make it up ten times harder to finally be in your life. But honestly, I don't need you. I don't think I ever needed you. I think for me, I still want you in my life only because I'm so used to you being in my life. Sometimes I think back, maybe I should've given us a chance again, but I gave you the ultimatum and you didn't try. So that isn't my fault, you figured that I wouldn't move on or something that's why you never tried or put effort. I can't look back at our happy times and forget all the times you treated me bad. I'm not ever going to overlook that because once I do, it just means I'm giving in to the thought of being alone. We're completely two different people now and I'm glad this whole entire time, I remained true to myself and fought for what I wanted. In the end, I tried my best and my hardest and that's all I could ever do.

I'm done trying. You don't want me in your life then you got it, because if you wanted me in your life then you would not ever push me away or do anything to lose me. If you still loved me and wanted to be with me then you would disregard everything that happened and still be with me, because if you want someone enough, there's no excuse.

But here's the truth, I don't want to be in a relationship. I love my life right now, everything is just so great and smooth sailing. Relationships becomes a burden to me because I'm always having to worry about where the person is, who they're with, what they're doing or what trouble they could get into. I've been overlooking the good guys, I know that, I've got great guys who wants to be there for me and how come I'm not with them? Well, I guess because I still want them in my life and if they're so great, it's worth the wait. Right now I just want to have fun. I want to be dependent on myself and even though being in love is the best feeling and having someone you can do everything with and just feel so crazy for, I can't just want someone to have someone. I need to focus on myself and really take control of my life.


Tonight was pretty fun for me, thank you guys for coming =) I did have fun! So more play time at my house! Blog more about it later! Heading out now, gooosenye =)

Every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is...just...moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope." -He's Not That Into You

last goodbye,

My day started out with going to run errands with husbanggg Tiffany and Kim then headed to Bolsa's Graduation for Kevin. I know we're not talking and neither are we together but of course I still care for him a lot and I don't care if he wouldn't want me to be there because I would not miss it for the world. When they were reading the speeches, I literally thought back to my years at Bolsa and how Kevin was basically there the whole time. I do miss him, I miss everything, but that's the whole point of growing up, things eventually change. I started to cry, which I know I was being such a cheeseball but I can't believe how fast time flew by. My freshmen year up until the day I transferred he was in my life. I wouldn't have it any other way. I saw his family, I miss his mom so much but I know that everyone knows we're no longer together. I love talking to his aunt though and her boyfriend, they always make me feel so comfortable as if I never have to try. I know that even though things between us changed, I still love him, no matter what the circumstances are.

There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

I don't care what people have to say, it doesn't matter what they think, their assumptions, their thoughts of or about me. I know who I am, and it doesn't affect me when people judge me. My job is to be myself and no one else but myself. No one really knows who I am, they don't know my struggle and what I go through or have gone through. They don't understand my intentions and they won't ever know how I'm feeling. I don't need anyone's affirmation to do things that I think is best or right for myself, and I don't have to explain myself to the world. They see me in front of them, but they don't see me for who I really am. I shouldn't have to convince people anything or make them do what they don't want. If you want me in your life, you would do whatever it takes to have me in it because I am worth the effort or trouble. If not, then that's simply it. I don't want people to walk in and out of my life whenever they choose to because it's not always there call.

ouch,

"He still loves you jenn. I don't get how come you don't see that."

Maybe because I don't believe it. Not that I don't want to, but if you loved me, you would do anything in your control to keep me. You always want what you can't have and realize what you're missing after it's gone.