close the blinds,

I'm hiding from the sun today.

There are days where I am just tired from the world. Today's one of those days...I feel not aggravated or agitated, not even irritated, but I'm just feeling like being in a nutshell.

I am terrible at the things I intentionally try to be good at but I am great at the things I don't even know I'm doing. That's just how I am.

Lately I've been feeling like going on top of a mountain or a cliff and just scream on the top of my lungs to relieve all of these emotions I've had. I don't even know if it's emotions or resentment, but I'm sure feeling something that I don't want to as well. I hate realizing things in people, things that changes everything. It's like, I try not to see someone's flaw and want to keep seeing the good in them, but that flaw just opens up to a door of even more flaws. More bad qualities, more things for me to distant myself from.

I wanted to see, something different...

I always set goals for myself and then I don't even start them. One thing I hate most about myself is that I am the biggest procrastinator ever, I win hands down for that. I always think I have so much time and then when it comes down to the last minute, I rush everything. I need to get my permit already so I can get my license. Once I get my license I'm allow to take the car whenever I want and go wherever I want. Not that I already don't do things at my own will, but I won't have to rely on anyone and I can help out more by taking my mom around or dropping my sisters off so Kim doesn't have to worry about it. The thing that hurts me the most is seeing someone I love and so close to me sad or even hurt. I would never in a million years want them to feel even feel a little bit of sadness because I don't think they deserve it. I need to take actions in what I say and do them because I keep wanting to change the world when I need to start on myself first.

I'm such a "bed" potato today. But tomorrow is Henry's birthday party so everyone's going to meet at my house and head out. I haven't seen him for the longest time but it's always nice talking to him and Jason =) I need to go ride my bike soon, I need some me time with my Paul Frank beach cruiser. Andrew never follows through with our plans...that's why at times I'm better off alone and not depend on people to be there for me because in the end, none of it matters. Next week everyone's going to Six Flags for Sonic's birthday but I think I'm going to pass that up, I'm so scared of rollercoasters so I'm just going to hang out with him another time. I can't wait for the cruise for Kat's birthday, Summer doesn't even feel like Summer for me. It feels like an everyday kind of thing. Gladly to say though, I'm really blessed and I just need to keep striving for the better.

going, going, gone.

These past few days I've been hanging out with dotty, kat and my sisters a lot. It's always drinking nights, dancing, make up tutorials, and photoshoots. Sooo fun =) I love them.

I really like the make up Dotty did for me =)

I think I'm probably the very few of the girls around here who doesn't know how to put on fake lashes. I don't understand how people can go through with wearing it everyday, it seems like such a hassle and it rips off your real lashes as well. I honestly am so grateful for my Dior Mascara. I feel like such a brat for not using it when my mom got it for me then it turns out, IT'S THE BEST MASCARA EVER. And I think I need to consider in getting a tan.

Ha ha ha<3 my sweet little niece Adrienne =) I love her<3

Currently watching My Sassy Girl, so far it's pretty cute. Days go by everything feels like it reflects on love and relationships. For me, I just want to be completely reckless and crazy and be able to be all of my bad qualities and still have someone love me regardless because they love me for me. I think it's amazing really, love; everything about it. I'm falling in love with things every single day, and there are a few things I wish I never pay attention to. I came to so many realizations about how I can't ever be with someone, at least not now or at this age. I have this image in my head where I'm on this sandy beach with no one to be seen in sight, and I'm just standing there. On a blanket, with a bunch of books and a ladder. The sky is completely gray and I'm just standing by myself. Those images keep flashing into my head every now and then. I need to do my own thing and keep going for what I want without worrying about non-mediocre things.

It's mind boggling when the only dreams I've been having lately is of your family and your grandma. I miss her so much, and in my dreams everything's normal. We're together again and I'm having lunch with your grandparents and your grandma would hug me like everytime I pop up behind her to say hi, then she always give me this stroke on my back that leads to a hug. How is that I'm getting to the point where I can finally accept the fact we both can't be in each others lives or even be friends, then all I dream about is your family. Is it a sign? If it is what kind of sign is this? It drives me nuts because I can't just have a day where something about you don't just walk back into my life. Just the other day I was folding my clothes then I came upon your Volcom shirt that I loved, and your brown tshirts that I always wear when I used to sleepover your house. I mean, really, what is going on?

My heart is at ease sometimes, but there are times where I just can't seem to catch my breath. The only time my thoughts are actually at its peace of mind is when I sit down and finally write or when I just lay in bed and blank out. I feel like this rush goes through my body every once in awhile when I find something I'm completely heads over heels with. But my mind won't take in any new information so I'm always lost. Lately, I just feel like a lost cause. In a good way...

I'm always trying to find the good in people, things, situations, problems, even disasters like myself. I take a step back, I analyze what's really going on, look at it for the good, accept it for the bad. Even though times gets hard, I put my chin up, and just run through this craziness with arms wide open. I don't want to be afraid, I don't want to be scared, I don't want to hold back on anything, I just want to go for what I want and don't stop until I finally get it.

I wantttttttt,

This really is my motivation for everything! Well, one of the few many cars I am dying to have.

I see that I am capable of many things in my life because I'm always interested in something, and when I am, my heart is really dedicated to it.


And I found out I have OCD...with brushing my teeth.

learn to love,

In two days I went to watch Harry Potter, Funny People, The Ugly Truth and 500 Days of Summer with Dotty and Kat. I enjoyed all four of the movies, Harry Potter not so much because I didn't remember the 5th one to understand the 6th one. I thought it was the 4th one the whole time I was watching it...but I did like it. I lovedddddddddd The Ugly Truth, everything about it was so true and it made me see a lot of things about guys in a different perspective. My favorite was 500 Days Of Summer, it's a must watch. Besides the girl crush I have on Zooey Deschanel, I just love the movie in general. I realized, I'm Summer Fin. My views on love and relationships is different now, my mentality has completely changed. I guess you can say...I don't want to fall in love. Or be in love. It's complex, my feeling towards love I mean. I want to say I don't believe in love but I do, I was in it and I loved another person more than I loved anything else in my life. I'm a hopeless romantic and I do believe in love but I don't want to be in it anymore. There are days though, that I wake up and I say to myself, "I miss being in love. I miss being loved by another person, I miss loving someone else." But it's true, hands down, I'm too proud for love. I don't want to be anybody's something. Not that it scares me, but if they love me then they love me, that's all that matters. I want to be my own person and independent on my own. I'm indecisive when it comes to what I want because there are times I can admit that I want something, but only to myself. And to the whole world, I act like I don't need it. I'm drastically changing and growing, good or bad, in the end I'm all I have.


There's so many things I can't wait for this year/Summer/Winter, my heart just yearn for them to come and to happen.



And I have to have to have to watch this<3