Tough times don't last, but tough people do.

Sometimes, all it takes is just a little time to realize how good you have it. I've always acknowledged how lucky and blessed I am. The difference with before was that it was a fact that I was lucky and blessed. I had a roof over my head, food to eat, the opportunity to do what most could dream about but can't do. I was happy because if I wasn't, I'd feel ungrateful and unappreciative. But inside, deep down, parts of me were very unhappy. I had feelings that could possibly be considered illogical, but humans feel what they feel whether they like it or not. Trust me, I didn't like it one bit but I couldn't help it. I realized, I was mostly unhappy with myself.

I admit, I was insecure. It wasn't the criticism of others that made me feel little, it was my own opinions and criticism to myself that kept me down for so long. I don't know why, but I kept beating myself up for every little thing that went wrong. I guess I felt like I wasn't good enough...I don't even know what I didn't feel good enough for, but I felt in some ways that I wasn't worth it. That I couldn't do something. That I was stuck.

Instead of seeing the beauty in things, I did the total opposite. I've always been tough, stubborn, hard-headed, you name it. I'm the kind of person who won't allow others in because they hate to be seen vulnerable. Being vulnerable to me has always meant that you're weak. All I ever did was try to be strong, and I didn't let myself be sad. Ever. I didn't let myself be mad, angry, upset, anything. And when I actually was, I'd snapped myself out of it. Because of all that, I guess I became numb with my feelings. I was to the point I didn't even want to have any feelings. I don't want that at all though.

I was tough on a lot people and gradually pushed people away. I just felt like everyone was a bad person. Everyone but me. That I was the victim. And I realized now, that maybe the problem was me. The problem wasn't because I had problems, I'm entitled to feel however I want about whoever I want, but the problem was that I never spoke up. I voiced everything. I bottled it because I thought it was the best, and when I least expect it, it all just came out. It was horrible to be honest. I didn't even know I felt so much towards something. I neglected the problem.

But now, here I am. I'm slowly but surely becoming a better person. At least in my opinion, and I think that's the only opinion I should care about. I've loosen up a lot over the past few weeks/months, and I've been trying a new thing...being honest with my feelings. And honestly, I've never been happier. I know I have a few minor issues here and there, but there's nothing that I can't handle. I'm just glad and extremely thankful for the people who have stuck by even when I was at my worst to them.

I have such an amazing boyfriend who loves and adores me, and I have such awesome friends who I share the best laughs with. Things at home are getting kind of different, we're all slowly drifting because some people got their own priorities, some are just more important than others, but I know it won't be long until we are all glued together again. Like Bob Marley said,"don't worry, everything's going to be alright."♥

Positive energy,

Its been a week since my recent post and on the same day I was upset, literally a few minutes later I quickly got over it. I guess in a lof of ways it's because I don't dwell over things easily, and I remind myself that everything happens for a reason. Yes, I usually do read over or go back and read my old posts, and sometimes I laugh at myself a little. It's either about a heartbreak, a bad day, a good day, or just the events that are going on in my life. All of my documentation is just a reminder to myself of how I've grown and how I'm still growing.

I had a semi-good and bad week, but I'm glad that it's over and next week's schedule is looking up. Johnson and I are going to see Owl City on Wednesday, for free! =) YAY. Then probably going to end our night cruising around the city of LA as usual, and maybe catch Harry Potter and cry myself 'til I drown while watching it. Just kidding.

I've been getting this immense headache, and I sure hope that it's nothing. I get sick way too easily. I'm sensitive to everything. I hate my skin, and I cannot bare getting sunburn again. Crosses fingers that the sun is going to be genuine to me tomorrow when I go soak up the sun with the girls.

Tata! xx

Trying,

It's really hard being positive 24/7 when you keep having obstacles thrown at you. And you're constantly digging yourself in a deeper hole and you can't get out. I feel so helpless at this point. Within these past 3 months, I've made the dumbest and most illegal mistakes I've ever did in my whole entire life. I've always been carefree and I always know and trust that Buddha is on my side, but sometimes, I think I don't learn and I keep pushing my luck. I keep pushing and pushing until I'm finally at the edge and it ends up hurting me. I don't know why I do this to myself. How I even let myself get here. Like, I'm sososo happy and positive ALL OF THE DAMN TIME, and now, I'm just breaking down because under all of that happiness is just me, being worried and being alone. Not knowing what to do, where to go, where to begin. Every mistake that I've made, I deal with it, I live with it, and I suffer the consequences. I hate that the consequences are so drastic though. They're the kind of consequences that makes you want to just disappear off the face of the Earth and not return until that problem goes away.

Unfortunately, your problems don't just "go away." They'll be there tomorrow waiting for you, and the next day, and the next until you're ready to face it, deal with it, and move on from it. I'm trying so hard to hold myself together and hoping that none of this happened but it did, and here I am, sitting HERE, stuck HERE, not knowing what to do or even who to go to. My heart is slowly sinking and I'm just trying to figure it all out one by one, hoping that in the end it's not as bad as I'm making it out to be in my head. I'm trying to smile as I write this but it's just way too hard because I'm finally exploding. Not as bad as before, but, I just feel so sad and hoping that I could take it all back. I really do. I'm so lost right now, with everything. Everything's going good, but it's only because it has been consistent. And then out of nowhere, I don't just get speed bumps, I get major black holes out of nowhere that I fall into and I have to find my own way out and it's taking longer than I expect it to.

I own up to my bad decisions. I wish I wasn't so ruthless and reckless all of the time. I wish I didn't try to be brave all of the time, or try so hard to hold everything together, but I do. I have to hold everything together and I have to hold myself together. I always say, no mistakes, just lessons to be learn. Well, this lesson is going to be a long one.

Yesterday I was thinking to myself, what if I could start all over. And know what I know now, but start over from this one point. Maybe things would've turned out differently, or even better than right now. Sometimes I do wish I could change things, go back in time, fix something or not do something. I'm guilty of wanting things to turn out right...but sadly, it doesn't ever. Not for me. I consider myself a very lucky unlucky person. It can either go really well, or it's terribly bad for me.

TAKING A LONG DEEP BREATH RIGHT NOW*

Still breathing*

Recollecting myself right now*

SIGH. But by the end of the day, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. No matter what it is. There's always a reason behind something, even if it's bad. Things don't just happen, and if it does, there's a reason for it, and it'll lead me somewhere, or teach me something, or I'll know better next time. No point in sulking away and being sad, and crying or breaking down because I'm the only person who this is happening to, and the least I can do is just gather myself together and be strong, and face my problems like an adult.

Gawd, how much I hate being an adult sometimes, or, trying to deal with things like an adult. Time for me to put my grown up pants on and handle this. Afterall, things could be worse. I could've gotten kidnapped, mugged, live in Africa and starve, had an Earthquake and no more belongings, been adopted, no shelter, no food, and the list can go on. No matter what, IT COULD'VE BEEN WORSE, and I should be thankful to still be alive and not complain. But I really just had to get it out there, and not hold it in.

I feel sososo much better now. I will get through this, havefaith, always<3

Sunshine sunshine is fine, I feel it in my skin, warmin' up my mind.

I love my boysss<3

It was a nice day to gather together with the amigos and just sit back and relax :') Grilled some food and popped opened some Coronas. The weather was breezy, not too hot and wasn't cold either. Only a few of Deuces made it out to Vimore's, but nonetheless, we still had a good time. Vimore even showed us an old documentary he made when he was in high school :') Later that night went to Gabby's and played with everyone. Johnson and I killeddddd ittttt in beer pong, DREAM TEAAAM. We were 8-2, and only lost those two because Johnson got super drunk after awhile. I was reunited with my old love, beer. It's a love/hate relationship. But I'm allowing myself to drink every once in awhile. It was such a good night. I hope everyone had fun on 4th of July as well!

Summer has been treating me really well. I love it. Adventures until the sunrises and sleeping in until the sun comes down. I've been too-fat-at-heart to gym it, and I rather lay in bed on my lazy days and eat Skittles off of my belly. DON'T JUDGE. At least I'm happy. I love my life! <3