I'm letting my feelings get the best of me,

What the hell right?  I never have feelings. I never feel for anything. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's who I am, and I don't want that to change. I'm always sooo good at not letting people in, or even letting them pick a part of my brain. It's so difficult for me to be vulnerable with or to another person. Lately I've been  finding myself shedding away every inch of my pride. To me, no matter what, the risks is never worth it. I know I'm being completely scared and close minded, but that's the way it has to be. For now at least.

I want a lover that I don't have to love.

No, we weren’t lovers, but in a way we had opened ourselves to each other even more deeply than lovers do. The thought caused me a good deal of grief. What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for - and to do it so unconsciously.

- Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood.

New year, new changes, new me.

Within a month or so, my life has completel shifted in a whole 'nother direction. I knew this year was going to be a good one, but I sure did not know in which ways or even which areas was going to get better. I've always had things being done and becoming better on it's own, I always allowed the chips to fall where they may. But not until recently, I have finally gained some self-independence on my own. I quit my old 9-5 office job, for a job that allows me to interact with people daily, that also paid me more. Although slaving away sucks, I've never felt so proud of myself. Like I can actually say,"I know what hard work is." It's not going to be fun and pretty all the time, but that's what makes it much more worth it and rewarding as well.

Moving on, I also ended my long-term two year relationship. It was extremely hard and heart breaking to do, but it was the right thing to do. Sometimes the hard thing and the right thing is the same thing. I've felt sh*tty breaking up with people before, but not this sh*tty. You see, when you're going out with a perfectly good guy and all he does is treat you right, it's so hard to walk away. I didn't love him though, and that's why I ended it. He was right about everything he wanted, he was right about the person he wants to be with, he just wasn't right about me. Someday, one day, we'll both find someone who'll feel the same way and give the same amount of effort. We were two great people who came together and fell apart. It doesn't mean that we don't care about each other, it just means our part in each other's lives, as boyfriend and girlfriend is over. I like to believe that I did the right thing, for the both of us.

I never really had the time to focus on myself, let alone grow as a person or to become the person that I've always wanted to be. But I have that chance now and although I am scared, I'm also anxious and excited, and nervous, and happy, all at once just because I'm determined and driven to be where I want to be. It may take some time, even years, but it's okay. I will never stop having faith that things will fall into place for me, now even more, I will never stop having faith in myself and I will go for what I want and make it happen for myself. I just have to remember to stay positive, no matter what the situation is, and if I get knocked down, I'll get back up. If I get punch rich through the stomach, I'll get back up. If I get the wind kicked out of me, I'll get back up. Nothing worth it comes easy, but every once in awhile I should stop and smell the flowers as well. It's the big things that I'll keep working towards, but it'll be the little things that'll keep me moving forward. I am honestly blessed with the best.

Have faith, always.