Ones and zeros.

I am trying to change. Not change who I am, but change my ways. I will always try to better myself, and I need to take the initiative to change for the better. Not to only benefit me, but to benefit those around me as well. I'm learning, I'm growing.

I feel so uneasy lately, maybe it's the whole trust issue. I just don't trust people, and I'm always keeping myself guarded. I do let the little things get to me but sometimes it's the smallest things that matters most. No matter how much my logic tells me I shouldn't be upset, it's my heart that feels vulnerable. But if you want something enough, it's always worth fighting for. I'm really happy though, not all the time throughout the day, but by the end of the day I am happy.


Carpe Diem.

Now or never,

Sometimes you have opportunities given to you, handed to you in some cases. It's you who choose to take it or not. Just know, opportunities aren't always given. Sometimes it's now or never. Once you pass up the opportunity, you might not ever get it again. You just have to live with it, knowing you could've done something you didn't. Live with the fact you chose not to do anything about it, live with the fact you could've taken a chance to make things right. Live with the choices and decisions you make. I know it hurts, sometimes it hurts deep down to the core. Believe me, I'm one to know. But if you really cared enough, you would've done anything and everything to your capability. You wouldn't allow yourself to drift, your love to die, you wouldn't allow it to happen, you wouldn't allow anything to jeopardize it.

You see, chances to me is a privilege. I can't always give it to you, you have to earn it. And once I see no potential in you, I learn to let go. There are two type of people who are given chances. The ones who take the chance to make things right again. And the other take all the chance you give them for granted. They keep thinking you'll constantly give them a chance. They keep hurting you until you realize, it's not worth it to put yourself in that position where you get hurt all the time.

I never want you to think I stopped caring about you. I will always, I repeat alwaysss, will care about you. I know this is still not easy for you, but I'll be patient. I want to be in your life still, I want to be there for you. It's not my position anymore but I hope you can see past everything. I can never hate you...

Life's good to me, I am truly grateful. The people in my life, they make me appreciate everything so much more. Everyday's like a blessing, even with all the hard times it just gives me that extra push. I will never settle for content, never ever. I know my potential and what I'm capable of, I'm going to make myself happy and give it all I got with no limits.

We're good right now, every so often we do argue but I need to really stop being prideful and stubborn. I know we're not always on the same page because I've been in a long-term relationship and you haven't but I need to allow you to learn on your own instead of trying to prevent things. I'm glad you're able to teach me things as well though, I'm not getting too caught up either. Just going to allow things to gradually fall together. It's just me and you =)

Graduation is coming up soon for the guys, I really miss them. I pray to Buddha for them. I hope to see them soon, if anything just hear from them. Got to have faith, always<3

Happy,

Reaaal happy that is.
I just had dinner with my ohana =)
It really makes me appreciate life with time like these.
I always felt like it was always just my mom, kim & I.
Karina got her own thing & Tiff is never really home.
I absolutely love family bonding time.
Even without my dad, I feel as if my family is stronger than ever. For
the most part.

I'm always trying to see the bright side of things.
No matter what the situation or problem is; I'll try.

It's the little things that can always make me happy.
Like, it's all just effort ya'know?
Attention to small details, listening to every little thing.
Doesn't matter if we're upset, in the end everything's alright again.
I just need to let you in sometimes.
Other times, I hurt you without even realizing it.
I guess because we're not always on the same page.
I've been in a long term relationship and you haven't.
I know things that you don't and I get mad at you for not knowing even
though you haven't even experienced it yet.
That's my fault, I need to learn how to say sorry sometimes.
I'm too prideful and stubborn.
I guess I'm used to always being right in past relationships.
Now that I've met you, you're able to teach me things as well.
Things are good, real good right now.

I did try to get closer to you because I miss you and being close to
you. I drift because I had to move schools, it's really hard to keep up
and be consistent when distance is a big part of it. Once the talking
starts, the claw comes out. I don't tolerate when people say stuff about
me to others. You can say whatever you want, but don't think that I
think any less of it. I don't appreciate it nor will I still around.

On a heavier note,
Graduation is soon, not my graduation but for the guys.
Oh how I really pray to Buddha to see them walk.

I want to go to your graduation, but I don't think you would want me to
now that we're not together. It's just, all of this time, everyone
doubted that you won't graduate and I was always there by your side
believing that you would, having faith in you, and from the start, I was
just waiting for that day for you to graduate so you could prove
everyone wrong. Now I don't even have that position in your life
anymore...I think I'm the last person you would want to talk to right
now. I hope by then, things will lighten up.

Have faith<3

More thrills,

I love spontaneity, I love adventures.
I just love not knowing where I'm heading.
But I know not to get myself into bad situations.
I'm young, but I know better.
Hopefully I get to go to Australia this Summer.

I've been feeling like I need to get away.
Not because anything has been bothering me.
Just need to get away for a bit, have some real fun.
The kind of fun that I would enjoy.
Also to meet my relatives and finally travel.
I can't wait to start traveling.
Kim and I are planning to go to Kenya too.
I feel like I have all the time in the world.
Like I actually do have time to do it all.
I consider myself pretty lucky =)

Summer this year is definitely going to be different.
But I'll make the best of it.
Afterall, it's basically allowing me to start over.
New things, new people, new new new.

No more Taking Back Sunday concert.
I was anticipating for it so much too :(
They'll be back though so I'll just have to wait.
Hopefully I'll get to see Common soon!
I'm not going to see anyone else until I see them.

I received a letter from Khoi a few days ago.
I really want to cry whenever I get his letters.
It's sad how things have changed so much.
How everyone have changed so much.
But people change so you can learn to let go.
I miss the guys, stay up<3

Today's Memorial Day, it's almost 4 and I'm still in bed.
I feel so lazy and the weather seems gloomy.
But I love being in my comfort zone.
Going to Patrick's friend's barbecue later, maybe.
If I'm not feeling too lazy and right now, I'm too lazy.
Hahaha. Brief blog, I know. Peaceasssy.