BARE WITH ME.

I seriously cannot believe my mom played a prank on me. As I went out with Dotty yesterday: we went to South Coast to return stuff and ran errands, then Boiling Crab right when it opened, went back to her house to charge my phone, went to Barnes and Noble so she could attempt to study but we talked too much, went back to her house and right in the middle of watching He's Just Not That Into You, my mom calls. She tells me she's at home and haven't eaten anything yet and was sad to be home alone. Knowing me I felt bad but she can't always expect me to come home from what I'm in the middle of just to do something small for her especially when I'm not close to home. I told her I didn't get why she didn't tell my sister to make her food when she was at home and she kept saying she doesn't know and that Kim went out already. So I got fed up and told her I'm just going to go home to make her food. Then she called me and tell me not to come home because she'll be okay by herself. At that point I'm already upset because she always does that to me, the whole guilt trip thing. AndI barely went out for the first time in two weeks ever since she got out of the hospital because I've been taking care of her at home so I figured she'll let me have fun. So I called kim but she didn't pick up and I didn't want to answer my mom's call but I hesitantly did and she tells me that kim has been home with her the whole time and is making her food. The whole time she was just kidding around with me but I was already too upset. Who wouldn't be? LIKE WHO IN THE FREAKING WORLD DOES THAT? Especially when she made me feel so bad that I went out. So I got really furious and hung up on her and texted Kim and she told me that she told my mom not to do it because I would get mad but my mom thought it would be soooooooo hilarious to do it anyway. She even told my mom to at least apologize but she didn't. My mom can be such a brat sometimes, she gets so immature about certain things and then pull out the mom card on me. I told her, I don't care who you are, how old you are, where you are from, who you are to me, if you do something wrong you apologize for it and she yet still didn't. I swear when she takes her medicine she is officially high or something. She's absurd and won't let me play with my DS because she keeps playing Zoo Keeper and Nintendogs. I haven't feed Choco for two days.

I just want to have fun right now but I can't. I have to worry about everybody and everyone and to make other people happy and how to solve their problems and set aside my own life.

And my dog, whom my dad bought for me in 4th grade, who has forgotten about him because my dad hasn't live with us since he left, bit my dad's arm. And he cussed at Chocolate and said,"You f_cking asshole. Stupid f_cker!" When in the world did he learn to cuss like that? But my dog's really scared of him that's why he tried to defend "us" because my dog wants to be the dominant male in the house. I should become the dog whisperer because I know these things so well...Oh, and my dad got another tattoo which seems to be unfinished so I figured it was a dragon. I'm getting my tattoo when I know for sure what I want, I want mine to be done at a legitimate professional store. Kevin wants a koi and a dragon. Sometimes I find it really weird how Kevin and my dad have so many similar interests in things. Yet, my dad does not know that I have a boyfriend neither does he know that Kim and Karina has one either.

My life is all cluttered right now. Everything is all coming to me at once but to be honest, I don't mind. Get it all over with as soon as possible. The faster you hurt, the quicker you'll heal. No matter what I still do love life though, it's just so surprising and amazing, and even though times get rough that's when I feel so much more confident about myself.

And another reason I hate not being home because NO ONE feeds my dog. I know he's MY dog, but at least feed him if he has no more food. Everyone loves him but they don't even care to feed him because they're busy doing who knows what. I mean it's not that hard to lend me a hand sometimes, then again nowadays everyone is so caught up with their own problems that I just have to deal with the way things are. And Chocolate wants to be hand-feed all the time now. Why now? Do I not love him enough, do I not shower him every week, trim his nails, trim his fur on his hands, take him out for a walk almost every day, play with him, hug him to sleep? Am I going to be those woman who grows up and end up lonely with their dog? Why am I asking questions about dogs that leads to another question?

I feel so suffocated at times and I want to suppress that irritation or stress into dancing but I haven't felt the passion to dance. I just want to freestyle and go dancing. And I've realized, Prom and Winter Formal is just like any formal dance. It's the HIGH SCHOOL EXPERIENCE that is different, I don't even care about having the whole high school experience anymore because I know there are definitely better things out there than just that. I talked to Dotty also about my career in the future. I want to make it happen, I will make it happen. Nothing can stop me from doing what I set my mind to, nothing at all.

People really need to stop telling me to STOP growing up. I can't change what I know, I apply what I know to everyday life because I want what's best for me. I've learn from the best what I have done to hurt others, to hurt myself, and I've learned. I don't want to repeat those mistakes again otherwise I've learned nothing. I did not know you can get "nagged" on by other people for growing up too quickly. Age does not define anything, you can be 10 years old and be really matured or 30 years old and be irresponsible and immature. AGE DOESN'T DEFINE ANYTHING NOR DOES IT DEFINE ME.

I really want to start my own organization for saving animals and animal rights but I need to stop trying to do everything at once. I feel like I'm in a rush or something to do absolutely everything in the world and my heart is pounding right now as I type.

I know you love me, but how is this going to work? I am Jennifer Aniston and you are Ben Affleck in this scenario from the movie He's Just Not That Into You. Excluding the marriage part. And you're leaving to Arizona today for the weekend and you got your phone stolen. Great, even more ways I can't reach you. Honestly, I do want to call it quits but you keep telling me you want me and that you really love me. For someone who believes love conquers all, sometimes it doesn't. It can make you weak to your knees, it can make you weak in general, it can hurt you where it hurts most, it can get you when you least expect it, it just happens. But I love you, but maybe if I love you enough I'll just let you go. But if I love you even more I'll try to work things out. You're stubborn, I'm stubborn; we'll both lose in this situation.

And I cutted my bangs. For the first time I actually like it, I attempted to do so summer of my freshmen year and I ended up looking like Cleopatra because 1.) I had super thick hair 2.) I was so tan from camping 3.) I just did. And I did it couple days ago and I know I always complain about wanting my bangs to grow back because I didn't like how I cutted my bangs but I did this time. Although I constantly keep snipping and trimming them.


My fingers are freezing. This is all me in a nutshell. I did say to bare with me.

PS. Someone give me $124 so I can go see Coldplay.
Okay I'll stop writing for the weekend.