So I'm playing the song on BlogSpot right now and it's tearing me apart. This is Khoi's song, he's literally singing it and my heart is sinking. It's sinking even more than it did earlier when I was crying.
You know, I'm a very, very, very tough and stubborn girl and I never cry nor want to, but today I just hid myself under the blanket and cried my eyes away. I couldn't stop. I felt so unwanted and unnoticed, and I felt so stupid. It started with Johnson putting his status about what he did earlier, but for some reason, I was not even mentioned nor included into the status. Everyone who was there at Mikey's (which was only me, Mikey, him and Melissa) and yet he says,"just got back from Mikey's and Melissa was asleep the whole time." Like was I not there or something? Only Mikey and Melissa was there? And Melissa wasn't even with him half of the time, and I was and he doesn't even say anything about me. Like seriously, what the hell. Way to make me feel excluded...and to be honest, it is a big deal. Just because something may not be a big deal to someone else, doesn't mean their feelings doesn't matter. And honestly, I feel as if my feelings never matters. I feel as if my feelings are a burden and so am I. And honest to God, I ask myself every single night,"why am I with someone?" I'm better off alone, on my own, without having to put up with someone and have them hurt me or not give a shit about me. That's not love. When you love someone, you let them know and you sure as hell let the whole world know. Obviously with us, it feels so exclusive. As if we're some secret or some shit. Like I have to mention and bring up something for him to do it, for him to say something nice about me. Is it that hard to let the world know about your feelings for me? I envy those who has boyfriends who is proud to talk about their girlfriends or even show how much they love their girlfriends. And knowing me, I don't envy anyone, I don't envy anything, but this is the only thing I envy. The compassion and affection other boyfriends give to their girlfriends. I mean, I can totally hear myself and I really don't think I'm being illogical about it. It just hurts, you know? And sometimes you're hurt so much to a point that you feel as if you're slowly breaking down and the next thing you know...you're completely broken. I've been broken for a long time. With Kevin. With life. Now, with this. When am I not broken? When can I ever be fixed? I ask myself that everyday. I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted with myself. At times I wish I was prettier, more useful, more loving. By the end of the day, I think I get what I supposedly deserve so when bad shit happens, it's because I did something wrong. So I accept it, I accept the mere scrap of effort that he gives or the little to no affection that he shows to me and in front of people. I mean, is this really happening again? It was like yesterday when I cried myself to sleep while arguing or being mad at Kevin. And the thing is, those were the worst days of my life. I never felt so broken in my life to have someone give up just like that. If you love me, fight for me, show it. Don't say it. Just show it, and I will see through your actions that your words are secure. I am so afraid to get hurt so I tend to push people away. Who hasn't or doesn't do it? I do it because I'm looking out for myself and I believe that I deserve the best of the best. If you can't even treat me good then there is no reason to hold on because I know there are people out there who would appreciate me and go 110% just to make sure I'm happy. And to love me, and to treat me the way I should be treated.
I don't believe love exists anymore and it's a shame, I was so crazy about it.
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