free falling into the unknown,

I haven't wrote to Khoi for a week, I just don't know what to write. Somehow I always get writer's block when I pick up a pen or a pencil. Not only that, but I always have so much to say. I hope I get to visit him next week. The guys' graduation would've been tomorrow, and this is the only thing that is bringing me down lately. I just feel as if it's all not real even though I know it is. I just love them so much and I feel like I've completely lost them. I'm going to Vinh's graduation though and maybe Bolsa's. I feel like the whole group split up and we all went out separate ways. At least I did.

This Summer is going to be great. My heart feels so at ease, my mind is at its best state. I'm learning to let go. It was always hard for me to let go of things, to forget it. I feel as if everything has a meaning or it means a lot to me, when really it's just another event in my life. But I'm learning to not hold onto things that won't better me in the future. I need to do what will better me, in my character and in my life. I need to realize one thing, that I am not alone in learning to let go or to be strong.

Today has been one year and four months since Phoenix has been gone...I feel as if time is going by so fast. At the same time, it's moving so slow. Like it's been a year and four months already? This whole experience really taught me to appreciate everything in my life, all the lessons, all the mistakes, all the downfalls and unfortunate events. If it wasn't for any of those, I wouldn't be who I am today. Day by day, life just feels as if it's getting shorter. And for me, I'm going to take advantage of it and just live, breathe, and do what will make me happy. I just want to see the world and be free like a bird. And of course, what's better than spending quality time with the people you love most in your life =)

I'm constantly falling in love. With people, places, objects, environments, and things. Currently I'm in love with Passion Pit, the thought of San Fran, Ryan Reynolds, strawberry lemonade, yoga, dancing to Keri Hilson and red nail polish. Last but not least, Summer. I love finding new things to yearn for, to make my heart skip a beat, to make my days better and easier. I love falling in love itself.

I've come to realized,

today's the first day I've missed you. Maybe because something little completely triggered me to the thought of you, and that was seeing the sun come up. It reminded me of how we always talked on the phone and you telling me that the sun is almost up. I'm not going to pretend or deny that I don't miss you because I am admitting it now, I do. For the most part, I miss the idea of you. When I look back, this past month, everything seems like such a blur. Like it all just flashed in front of my eyes. How one thing led to another. One day we're in front of my house talking until 5 in the morning, the next, I don't even remember your face. Just a small fragment of how you look is all I can remember right now. How tall you really are compare to me, the little smirk I always make fun of you for whenever you smile without realizing it. It seems like I can't even remember much but at the same time I remember a lot. How when we held hands it was always funny because I always swung my arms...I think you really hated that. When I fall asleep and waking up to feeling sweaty because your blanket weighs like 50 lbs. How you always call me a little monster whenever I make this atrocious grrr sound. Your obnoxious loud cheering while watching the Lakers game. Now I feel as if those memories wasn't with you...or it was with you but then towards the end, when we got in our comfort zone, it wasn't you anymore. You weren't afraid to hurt me, you stopped trying, you didn't care as much. And I continued to distant myself away from you only to see if you will go after me. In the end, I realized, I want someone who wouldn't always want the easy way out. Who wouldn't strike out when things starts to get tough, who isn't afraid of being tied down or doesn't want to feel suffocated. I mean, my phone did stop working and we barely had little to no communication so I felt as if all the feelings were fading so I became more aware and scared of things and wanted to talk to you and see you more. Ha ha, right now it doesn't matter, those are nothing but excuses that I'm using to overlook how we really felt in the end. You always told me you could see yourself with me because we always work everything out in the end. Suddenly more complications showed up and you didn't put in the same effort nor cared if things worked out. As for me, I just didn't think it was worth holding onto anymore especially with how we became. I saw potential in you that I'm sure everyone doubted, then that potential wasn't there anymore. At the beginning when I liked you, I always considered myself Hannah from Maid of Honor. How I didn't want to be "the best friend" and that was where we started to head. Being close friends. And then I remember in the movie when Hannah asked Tom how come he never tried to make a move on her and he said,"I still want you in my life." And it made me come to the conclusion, sometimes relationships do ruin friendships. I think we would've remained good friends still and we would still talk a lot, and I wouldn't care where you were or who you're talking to because I was just a friend. And now it feels like we're completely strangers. Like you were just a character in my life, someone to come test me or bring out either the worst or the best in me. People sometimes ask me, was it worth it? Losing someone who meant the world to me to someone I just met, and I tell them,"Sometimes I don't think it's worth it. Because I lost someone I love to someone I like. But he did treated me well and always swept me off my feet. That's the reason why I did fall for him so he must've done something right. I don't regret anything though, I don't want to say I made a mistake. It's just a lesson." And when I tell people that, the more I say it, the more I do realize it's true. Maybe you're just another person that appeared in my life, but for some reason, you really made me stronger. Because now, I really am happier these past 3 days since things ended than I've been for the past 5 months of my life. And with that, I'm glad that I met you. You made me realize what I really want, what I don't want, what I can handle, what I'm capable of, and how strong I really am. And with these lessons and things I've learn not only from myself, not only from us, but from you, I'll apply it to the future to be better and happier without a doubt.

I said I want someone to love me for my flaws and accept them, appreciate that it makes me, me. And even though I can be hotheaded, stubborn, sometimes naive, everything I'm not made me everything I am.

"I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe.
I feel it's necessary to blog this because you deserve credit for my happiness right now and I don't want to make it seem like I don't care anymore, because I do care, and because I know once this is written, it will always be in my life.

" According to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their powers, Zeus split them into two parts; condemning them to spend the rest of their lives in search of their other halves. "

“ No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them, and love you, they don’t mean anything. You love him, you’re willing to wait for him, but he’s a man who should 100% be available to call, see you, and most of all fall madly in love with you. So don’t worry 'cause sometimes the guy realizes he’s made the biggest mistake of his life, and sometimes not, but either way your job is to move on with your amazing life. Cut it loose, and let him miss you. "

Everyone always wonder how can I be okay with things, especially after it's over, and truth is...I learn to accept things as they are and move on with my life. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt but the best part about it all is that you won't ever allow yourself to go through or feel that way again. I know the hardest part about time is that it actually takes time but we choose how fast we recover and how long we want to be hurt. People always say, "time will tell,"but to me, time changes nothing. It's us-we change things ourselves.

I may humiliate myself, hurt myself, put myself out there to the world, but at least I go for what I want and don't stop until I get it. I mean, how do you know if it's a good thing or not until you try it? I try my best everyday, I do what I'm capable of, to my own potential and that's all I can ever give. I will never give up hope, and I don't think I will ever lose hope in myself. Sometimes, all you need is to have faith in yourself and know that you're going to be okay if you allow yourself to be happy.

It's weird because my life feels so perfect right now...I don't want to jinx it, but everything's great. I guess it's because I'm in the Summer mood and I don't want to care about unnecessary things so I'm just having fun and really appreciating everything more and more. I love everything right now<3