change of heart,

This morning before I went to sleep, I had every intention of breaking it off with Johnson. It was just a thought, a consideration, an analyzed situation. Why out of nowhere? Well, because...I feel as if myself as a whole am not stable to be in a relationship. I'm corrupted and broken, and pieces of me are still missing so I just felt as if I should be at my best first so I can offer someone the best of me. But then I realized, I will always be broken, I will always be corrupted. There will always be pieces missing in my life, and that's not something I can change. I can only better myself from there. And if I'm worth it, he'll stay by my side through my bad times and good times. Who knows how long it will take for me to fully recover, and I don't want to miss out on love, let alone miss out on being with him. Yeah it's going to be tough, it's going to be hard, but I want to work it through with him each and everyday and have my feelings grow for him. I don't want to stop myself from falling for him. I tend to do that to every guy. I limit myself how much I can feel for them and I don't allow my feelings to grow for them more, but I should give this a try. I should let myself be happy.

Hi world I'm back,

And I'm ready to truly pour out my heart. I know I always put up a front like everything's fine and smooth sailing and that I'm tough all the time like nothing hurts, but it's not even like that. I don't know what's going on with my life lately, or even with me, but I feel completely lost. I have no idea who I am anymore...I'm completely broken on the inside. And I have been. And to be honest, I don't know who I am anymore. I am boring, I have no personality, I have no purpose. What and who have I become? My mentality in life was to live life on the edge, just make sure I don't fall. But I'm nowhere close to living on the edge. I was ruthless and reckless and I could care less what the world thought of me. Now, I feel as if the whole entire world is watching me and I try to be the good girl all the time. I mean, can't I have fun, be ruthless, be reckless and crazy and still be the good girl? Or does it never work that way? I can't ever seem to balance anything in my life or get my priorities straight. That's something I won't ever know about; balance. I'm eager to change myself for the better but I don't even know how. I'm trying to identify the problem I have with myself and in my life and take initiative to change it, but possibly, my problem is just me. I'm not happy anymore...I haven't been for a long time. And to be honest, I never felt so lonely and broken in my life.

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.”

—	Elizabeth Wurtzel

"The greatest irony of love is loving the right person at the wrong time, having the wrong person when the time is right, & finding out you love someone right after that person walks out of your life. Sometimes, you think you're already over a person, but when you see them smile at you, you'll suddenly realize that you're just pretending to be over them just to ease the pain of knowing that they will never be yours again. For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. In my opinion, some are afraid to see the one they love being held by someone else. Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other was being loved too little. Most often, we fall in love with the person we think we love but to only discover that for them, we are just for past times, while the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or a stranger. So here's a piece of advice: let go when you're hurting too much, give up when love isn't enough, and move on when things are not like before. For sure, there is someone out there who will love you even more."