And depending on the weather, I'm a changer...

Take it or leave it,

You know, when I open my heart just a little, I feel so ridiculously stupid afterward. I give, and I give, and I give a little part of me just so someone can reject my efforts and not even notice my actions. I hate it. I hate feeling like this. Not again.

After Kevin, I really gave up on love. Not exactly give up, but I just didn't believe in it anymore. And so far, no one has proved to me that real love still exists. To be honest, if I'm going to be with someone, they better treat me really good, surprise me, love me, be there for me unconditionally and make me happy; otherwise get the f*ck out and stop wasting my time. I don't need anyone's bullshit. And hey, you may be a nice guy but if you don't give me more than I deserve then goodf*ckingbye because I am not here to settle for less. Let alone settle for just anyone. I know relationships isn't all about giving, but I need reassurance, I need chemistry, I need passion. If there's no passion then it's just an empty vase with nothing inside. And I'm young. Why in the world would I want to be in the stage of the relationship where people settle and is about ready to retire their lives and give up their youth. F*ck. I'm almost turning 18 and my relationship is like a 40 year old? No thanks.

Age doesn't matter. Age doesn't define you. Age doesn't mean sh*t. It's who you are and your mentality level that matters. I may seem all fun and games, but I am serious when I need to be. Just because my heart is wild and on the lighter side, doesn't mean I don't know what love is like. Trust me, I've been there. I was there for two years almost three loving someone with my heart until I couldn't love anymore. Just because I like to have fun doesn't mean I'm immature or anything. I just know how to keep the flame going. It means I have a lot of passion for the things I love, and for the people I love.

All I ever want is for someone to love me to the core. Love me everyday. Love me like it's their last breath with me. I want to feel special, I want to be surprised, I want to feel wanted and needed at the same time. I want to be put in the center of the universe because if someone wants to be with me that much, that's where they would put me.

Excuse my French.

Hearts are breaking, don't ask why.

I've missed you BlogSpot. This, and Xanga, was the only place where I could spill my true feelings. And I honestly didn't care who came upon and read this because this is MY life and I'm here to write about ME, not anyone else.

So I'm playing the song on BlogSpot right now and it's tearing me apart. This is Khoi's song, he's literally singing it and my heart is sinking. It's sinking even more than it did earlier when I was crying.

You know, I'm a very, very, very tough and stubborn girl and I never cry nor want to, but today I just hid myself under the blanket and cried my eyes away. I couldn't stop. I felt so unwanted and unnoticed, and I felt so stupid. It started with Johnson putting his status about what he did earlier, but for some reason, I was not even mentioned nor included into the status. Everyone who was there at Mikey's (which was only me, Mikey, him and Melissa) and yet he says,"just got back from Mikey's and Melissa was asleep the whole time." Like was I not there or something? Only Mikey and Melissa was there? And Melissa wasn't even with him half of the time, and I was and he doesn't even say anything about me. Like seriously, what the hell. Way to make me feel excluded...and to be honest, it is a big deal. Just because something may not be a big deal to someone else, doesn't mean their feelings doesn't matter. And honestly, I feel as if my feelings never matters. I feel as if my feelings are a burden and so am I. And honest to God, I ask myself every single night,"why am I with someone?" I'm better off alone, on my own, without having to put up with someone and have them hurt me or not give a shit about me. That's not love. When you love someone, you let them know and you sure as hell let the whole world know. Obviously with us, it feels so exclusive. As if we're some secret or some shit. Like I have to mention and bring up something for him to do it, for him to say something nice about me. Is it that hard to let the world know about your feelings for me? I envy those who has boyfriends who is proud to talk about their girlfriends or even show how much they love their girlfriends. And knowing me, I don't envy anyone, I don't envy anything, but this is the only thing I envy. The compassion and affection other boyfriends give to their girlfriends. I mean, I can totally hear myself and I really don't think I'm being illogical about it. It just hurts, you know? And sometimes you're hurt so much to a point that you feel as if you're slowly breaking down and the next thing you know...you're completely broken. I've been broken for a long time. With Kevin. With life. Now, with this. When am I not broken? When can I ever be fixed? I ask myself that everyday. I look in the mirror and I feel disgusted with myself. At times I wish I was prettier, more useful, more loving. By the end of the day, I think I get what I supposedly deserve so when bad shit happens, it's because I did something wrong. So I accept it, I accept the mere scrap of effort that he gives or the little to no affection that he shows to me and in front of people. I mean, is this really happening again? It was like yesterday when I cried myself to sleep while arguing or being mad at Kevin. And the thing is, those were the worst days of my life. I never felt so broken in my life to have someone give up just like that. If you love me, fight for me, show it. Don't say it. Just show it, and I will see through your actions that your words are secure. I am so afraid to get hurt so I tend to push people away. Who hasn't or doesn't do it? I do it because I'm looking out for myself and I believe that I deserve the best of the best. If you can't even treat me good then there is no reason to hold on because I know there are people out there who would appreciate me and go 110% just to make sure I'm happy. And to love me, and to treat me the way I should be treated.

I don't believe love exists anymore and it's a shame, I was so crazy about it.

Sticks and stones are hard on bones aimed with angry art. Words can sting like anything but silence breaks the heart.

I received my first mean actual Formspring comment today, and to be honest, it kind of hurt. Just a little though. Because people have so much time to try and make another person feel like shit, it's like, what has the world come to? The reason why I isolated myself in the first place is that I can be away from people, so that no one can know anything about me, and it'll just keep them guessing. But now that I'm going out there and making friends, and having fun, people think they have the slightest idea of who I am and they judge me base on that. No one knows me, they don't really get to know me and know how I'm like deep down. And it's a waste to be yourself and trying to be the best person that you can be when others are always trying to bring you down. I'm not fake, I'm not fake at all. When I express myself online, it's how I truly feel deep down. It's a pity what the world has come to, I know those mean comments are left my people who USED to be my friend. They can dislike me all they way or think I'm this and that, it doesn't change who I am. I'm a great and wonderful person, and I can take criticism really well, because I know, one day, none of this would matter. They wouldn't matter, none of this would matter at all in the long-run. I know I'm going to be famous and successful one day and these crude people will be nothing to me.