"Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, “you owe me.” Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky."

I'm in a much lighter mood than I have been for the past couple of weeks. I don't think I have ever or even seen myself that bitter or angry for awhile, but I'm glad I no longer obtain those feelings anymore. I've been loving the weather. The rain, the cold, everything about it. Cuddling with my significant other all bundled up, with the windows opened. Just bliss. I heard there were thunderstorms yesterday as well, and weirdly enough, I think I was the only person I knew who slept like a baby. I know everyone's hating the weather but I loveee it, I kind of wish it rained a lot more often. But nonetheless, rainy days are not good days for homeless people, and stray animals.

Speaking of animals, I've been a member of the ASCPA for as long as I can remember. Okay, maybe since I was ten years old. And because of the earthquake and tsunami in Japan, I know there are stray helpless animals waiting to be saved. I mean, the Japanese themselves need our help as well which you can donate $10 to the American Red Cross by texting 90999, but also, there's an organization online and on Facebook that allows you to donate to help the animals. I think everyone should look into that. I know some of us can't even help ourselves or have the extra money to spare, but raising awareness and being involved is a big help as well.

I honestly feel too bless to be stress. Things have been falling into place for me, and I've never been more grateful for having the opportunities I'm given everyday to make a change.

The idea of love,

There was a time in my life where all I wanted was to love and be love. But, all that has changed. I don't feel the need to obtain a lover at all times. Maybe later, but not right now. I'm currently going with the flow, of course. Needless to say, I realized the person I need to love the most is myself. Sometimes I forget to love me for me and who I am. I try not to shift anything in my life too much to the point that I forget who I am. As of lately, I'm back to figuring out my wants and needs.

The thought of marriage has been popping up a lot. And I'm not a pessimistic person or anything, I can assure you, but I don't believe in marriage. I know it's possible, I know there are amazing relationships and marriages that lasts, but it's not for me. The idea of falling in love, settling down, being with someone for the rest of your life, then having kids sound extremely ideal and nice, but, that's not what I want. For the most part, it's because I'm still young, my mentality as of right now is to just worry about the present and the future will come. So maybe that's why I don't think too much about marriage because I often don't think too far down into the future.

I love love and the idea of love, but sometimes, that's all it really is; an idea. You build it up in your head, and sometimes it lives up to be exactly what you thought it would be, or it's the total opposite. I've been a lone wolf lately. My heart and my head has been aligning together. Neither of them want me to fall in love, and that's fine with me. If I fall in love with someone, I will. When you love someone, you'll know, it's not a maybe thing. It's not something you can control either so I'm just going to let time take its course. Like I've always said, what's meant to be will be.

It is what it is,

So the whole month of February has been the most interesting month of my life, so far. A lot of ups, many downs. I lost a few people, but gained a lot of experiences, wisdom and even new friendships and bond. I was really confused with what was going on in my life but I think I am slowly, but surely collecting myself again.

I don’t regret any of the decisions I’ve made, in life and in general. I won’t ever. If they’re bad decisions then I’ll learn from them, but nonetheless, life is about creating yourself and becoming who you want to be. If I never made any wrong turns then I would never know how to make things right. I am still figuring myself out everyday, and learning from everything that comes my way.

I admit, the world has made me hard and cold. Such a shame, though. Goodbye to the sweet girl I used to be. Hello to the girl I didn’t know I can be. I no longer take anyone’s shit and I was always careless to begin with. I don’t let things get in my way, and I will always do what makes me happy. Neither will I let things get to me. Although I do admit, certain things really did get to me but I don’t live life dwelling on the past. The past is the past, it should stay there. I’m only going to move forward and I’m going to take with me the things I want in my life. If it means eliminating some people then that’s completely fine with me.

By the end of the day I tend to ask myself,”have anything I’ve done made me any happier?” And the answer is always a yes. Most definitely.

"There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald.

For me, I don't care if I have to ask a lot of questions to get to the bottom of something; I will. In my opinion, our society is pretty f*cked up that we don't even know what being faithful and being loyal means. Especially when it comes to relationships. You will, not always, but most likely stray. Even if it's just innocent flirting. When you have a boyfriend/girlfriend you don't show interest in anyone else but them and only them. I see it happening to my friends, I see my friends doing it to other people, I see it happening to people I know, people I love, etc. There are just too many people in this world who do not respect themselves, leaving them to not even respecting others. When I'm with someone and I see that they have the ability to stray, I simply just drop them. It shows me that they're not worth it to even stick with. I will never, and I mean never, will cheat on my significant other. Why? Because, I have respect for myself and the person that I am with. If you don't love/like them anymore then leave.

Hell, they said that the way you see/view relationships is mostly influenced by your parent's view of relationships. My mom was cheated on by my dad when I was 8. She has been a single mother even until now. She have had boyfriends, but even then, it's not the same. Even though my dad is back in our lives, their relationship does not exist. Love failed her in every way possible. When she needed it the most, it was not there to help her up, it did not feed her kids, it did not pay for her car or the house we were living in. She did it all on her own, by herself, with no one's help. That is called being independent. That is what I want to be like. That is why I do not depend on another guy to make me happy and maybe, just maybe, that's why I don't allow anyone to have a hold of my heart because in the back of my head, I just know no one is ever going to make me happier than I do and no one is going to be there for me than I will and I just know that eventually...people leave.

When I was with Kevin...we were so perfect for each other. He was the love of my life, and I was just so in love with him. IN LOVE. I didn't just love him as a person, I was completely head-over-heels in love with him. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't want him to eat up my time, my ego, and my life. I wasn't infatuated either. I knew it was real love because in that moment I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I wanted to not be with anyone else but him. I didn't want to wake up without him besides me and go to sleep without him next to me. That, I know, was love. But then this one day, this one specific day...I was on his computer and his aim history showed up because apparently he didn't exit it after he was done talking, and there it was. His convo with another girl who he was seeing back then. The things consisted in the convo was just, heartbreaking. And from that day and that moment, my heart left him. We were together for another 6-8 months but nonetheless, I didn't love him anymore. I couldn't. I was too hurt, too betrayed, too fed up. I was done. And although I still loved him as a person with every fiber in my body, I just couldn't do it anymore. I knew I deserved better and I knew I was never going to tolerate someone who could've strayed away from me.

I think my relationship with him influenced me a lot as well. For a whole year, almost two, I was single. I was extremely happy and satisfied with myself. I didn't have to please anyone but myself. I didn't have someone be reckless with my heart and neither was I with their's. I didn't have to worry about anyone but me. I got to focus on myself, meet new people, did a lot of things I didn't do but should've done when I was with him. I healed and I came out stronger.

I know I may be tough sometimes, and I may get suspicious and start questioning things and not believe in a lot of things, but it's who I am. I was molded this way because of all the things I actually went through from my own experiences. I don't think I'll be in love anytime soon. Not only for the fact that I am still young, but because I don't think I'll encounter someone who I would really want to love. Not until a long time from now.