"What we have here is a dreamer, someone completely out of touch with reality. When she jumped, she probably thought she'd fly."

I haven't been doing any reading lately, but I've been trying very hard to steer clear away from being on the laptop 24/7. I started reading The Catcher in the Rye, again, but, kind of set it aside. It has always been one of my favorite books. I know it's kind of dumb for me to say, but I can relate so much to Holden. When I first read it, I thought I was reading about myself, and my own thoughts. We even have similar hunting hats. Ha ha. He's not a character that people would be too fond to be compared to, though.

I'm really trying to get my life back on track and not depend on others to guide me anymore. I want to be able to look at myself and feel more independent both emotionally, and physically. I've always thought that I was independent. I work for every single thing that I want, if not, more. But I guess I got comfortable. I'm the youngest in the house, so that makes me the baby; besides my dog of course. I grew up having the most loving family, and supportive mum, ever. Just when I thought I was independent and growing, I realized, even if I'm not dependent on family, or this, and that person, there will always be one person I fall back on. I want to be able to fully fall back on myself, no matter what the situation is. I want to know that if I moved out today, I would be able to take care of myself. Yeah, I know I'm only 18 going on 19, I'm not supposed to really have it all figured out but I just like knowing that I am going somewhere, and wherever I'm going, even if there may be some obstacles, that I'll be fine. I want to be able to say to myself,"I'll be just fine." You'll never learn what hard work is if you'll always have someone to help you out. I know emotionally, if I woke up one day, I wouldn't need anyone. I wouldn't need someone to cheer me up, I wouldn't need anyone to call if I was having boy problems. But physically, if there was a day I really felt alone, I'd want someone to be there. I'd want a hug, or someone to sit in silence with me, eating Chinese with I Love Lucy on. I enjoy being a homebody a lot, and I cherish the "me time" that I have. I want to be able to just stand on my own two feet, by myself, all alone, and be completely fine and happy with that. I know it sounds stupid that I desperately want to be alone, but I've been conditioned like this. The moment that I feel like I need someone too much, I immediately stop needing them. I don't want to need anybody for anything. And hey, maybe being completely alone is a good thing for me. It'll teach me how to appreciate every little detail and aspect in my life.

On a brighter note, this past Wednesday I was officially licensed. I started driving when I barely turned 16. When I passed my behind-the-wheel test, my mom was so ecstatic she basically jumped up and down for me. She was so happy and relieved. One of the best feeling in the world is knowing that throughout it all, she believed in me. I've am so lucky to have been given the people in my life who has been so patient with me with the decisions that I've made in my life. I have the best team in the world, cheering me on every single day, wanting the best for me. My mum, besides myself, is my biggest critic, but she is also my biggest fan. I love her sososo much for that. She had put up with so much of my crap, going through hell and back, and now, all I want to do is to make her proud. I want to be able to take care of her instead. I want her to have everything that she has ever wanted. I want her to be happy. This is only one of the big steps that I've taken, and I anticipate to move forward even more and pursue my career. I daydream a lot about having a little loft in West Hollywood. One that I can overlook the city at night, throw rooftop parties, or even just to sit up there and read. I want to give my mom her own little store, anything and everything. I'm really excited for the future, for what I feel like has been in store for me. The only thing I need to do now is get my foot through the door, and actually take the initiative to do something instead of waiting for something to happen.

Time to be a big girl now.

On top of the world,

Haven't really been able to jot down my thoughts lately. A lot has been going on. I've been working more, seeing my friends more, spending time with my family more, and my birthday is also coming up next month + Halloween, my favorite holiday of all times. I'm pretty much egggcited about everything in my life right now, I don't even know where to start. I've been feeling like I'm on top of the world, and honestly, I haven't felt this good about myself in a long while. Although I may not know always know where I'm going, all I know is that I'm really happy.

Going, going, gone

The minute that I find a flaw or something that I don't like, I kind of just bail from it. I just drop everything and I leave. I know it's something that I can easily change, but I'm so used to being like this. Being me. I've never been attached to things. I mean, I haven't since the 4th grade. Whether it was friends, boyfriends, or hobbies, I change them like how I change my socks. As much as I try to be logical, my heart just feels all tight, and uneasy. That's something that I can't help. You can tell yourself a million times that something is one thing, but the moment your feelings kick in, it tells you another.

I'm very strong, I know I am. But it's so much work sometimes. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball, wrap myself up in my blanket, listen to sad songs, get stuck on a book, paint and eat ice cream until I fall asleep. But when the time comes and I just want to be sad, I have no emotions in me. It's like my body rejects being sad. Or at least my brain does because the minute my heart feels like it's breaking, my brain just turns on and tell me to get over it. And the funny thing is, I always do.

Patience is a virtue,

All day, well, lately actually, patience has been something that I've been tested with. I'm always so patient with others, I would wait and wait and wait because I know I would want them to be patient with me. But lately, its just too much. I hate waiting around for something that may never happen. I hate waiting around for something that might not ever come. Every time I'm close to giving up on waiting, I remind myself that patience is a virtue and I continue to wait some more. Sometimes it's worth it, sometimes it's just time wasted.

So when do you know when to give up and walk away? I like to believe that good things come to those who wait. BUT, I also believe bad things come to those who don't go out there and make it happen themselves. Because as safe as waiting is, you could be missing other opportunities just sitting around. I feel like Buddha is testing me, he's trying to teach me a lesson, but I have no idea what the lesson is because I've been waiting around for so long and it's getting close. I'm running out of time and the only thing I can do now is hope for the best.