I've been given a lot of time to think about things lately, and honestly, sometimes I wish that I did things for myself instead of putting other people's feelings first. It's not something that occurs a lot, not like back then, but when it comes to certain things I sort of wish I wasn't so understanding. I have this need to make everyone I love in my life happy. Whether it's reassuring them certain things, or quickly dropping everything in the world just to be there for them. It always leads me to either being happy or being completely miserable.
When I'm all alone and I have selfish thoughts, I feel guilty all of a sudden. As if I shouldn't be feeling this way, or I am not allowed to. I've been conditioned to be like this for awhile, but believe me, I'm no push-over. I know when to say no and when to speak up about what's bothering me. The only thing is, I'm the kind of person who rather let others need them than to need other people. I never allow myself to need anybody. Ever.
Often times I'm perceived to be "heartless" and careless, which is only half true. I'm not heartless, I just have a very hard time letting others in and showing how I feel. I may act tough all the time and I'm carefree but when it all comes down to it, I want to love and feel love too. Though, sometimes it doesn't go hand in hand. I think when things have happened in your life, and it has hurt you in many ways, it eventually does not take any affect on you. Given time, your guards is up and you just build this wall around your heart that don't allow people in anymore and it's because of the things that you've experienced.
I don’t know if it’s also my dire need to be emotionally independent, but I find myself constantly distancing myself from people. I know, it's my choice, I made it. But in a lot of ways, I guess I really do enjoy being a lonewolf. Or, I haven’t really found the right people I want to give my time to. You know how there are some friends where you constantly want to see/hangout with them all the time? There are those relationships in your life where you want it to eat up your time 24/7? There’s only a rare few I would give up my time for. Even if time is all that I have. The best relationships for me are the ones that comes naturally. Where you can talk to them just about anything, and I really mean wear-your-heart-on-your-sleeves, no-emotions-hidden kind of talk. Things you're afraid to ever say out loud, things you feel but bottled inside. I feel as if the older you get, the more it seems as if everyone is busy, but it also seems as if people just realize who they care for to keep in their life and who they can really care less about.
When you're like me and you grew up with sisters who are a tad bit older than you whom you are close to, you deal with issues that they do at their age, at the same time while being your age. When I was 9, I started going through or encountering problems my sisters who were 13-16 at the time encountered. I guess I was basically thrown out in the real world at the age I wasn't supposed to, but it really helped me mature quicker and I didn't have to go through things that girls my age had to anymore. At 14, my life no longer consist of high school drama or adolescent thoughts. I didn't argue with my parents, I didn't have drama with friends, I didn't have a boy I couldn't have. I wasn't bitter, I wasn't angry, I wasn't mad at the world. I took full on responsibility for my emotions and my actions. I just knew how to handle things. At the same time, I realize what the world was really like and how people can turn out to be. I began to distance myself at an early age. I kept myself out of the crowd as much as possible. I hated being popular in high school. I hated being the well-known couple. Everyone likes you, everyone knows you, but because everyone knows who you are they know stuff about you as well and have a higher chance of using it against you. Yes I loved having a lot of friends, but when I got home from school, when I laid in bed...I realized I rather be by myself. Even if I have to go through things alone and learn it the hard way, there's no one I care more about in this world or wish to make happier than myself.
Call it selfishness, call it whatever you want, but I need to do things for me. I've always done what I like. I will do whatever it takes in order for me to get where I want and what I want. I will do whatever it takes in my power and in my will to better myself as a person. I always believe that everything happens for a reason and if ever the decisions that I make are the wrong ones, I just know it in my heart that everything is going to be okay and that I can pull myself out of this shitstorm and pick myself up and continue to do what's best for me.
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