Floating back to shore,

The world is slowly making sense to me. I don't know what I did but I lost myself for a minute there. I let myself drift away, into the sea, and I never saw land until now. I don't know how my heart really feels, because sometimes, I close my eyes and all I think about is being alone. I picture myself way better off by myself than to be with someone. I just don't want to get attached to him, or this feeling, so I don't allow myself to miss him. Rather, I try to make him miss me. It always feels better when the other person wants you more than you want them. But that's not the right mentality. What is anymore? But the main reason why I keep my guards up is because I don't trust him. I just don't. He does things when he's drunk and he doesnt' even remember doing them. How can anyone have a stable relationship with someone like that who's friendly with every single girl he's around, even when I'm not around? If there's not trust, there's not love. There's nothing there. There's no relationship. But how can I trust someone like that? How? I can just take a risk and give it a try and put my trust in him, even knowing I might get hurt, or I can just be smart about it and not let him in. I really don't know what to do. But we're good though, we're good right now. Everything's sooth sailing.

And somehow, for some universal reason, Tin and I are becoming like best friends or something. Not even kidding. He said I'm the closest person to him and we've been talking almost every single day on the phone for the past few months. I'm so glad we're close though, because I feel like I can talk to him about anything. I can really let my guards down around him and for the longest time, I can actually tell someone my problems. He doesn't only listen but he gives me feedbacks, honest truths and nothing more. I know we used to like each other, and feelings don't go away, they just fade away but can always come back but I'm glad we are where we are now. I wouldn't have it any other way<3

change of heart,

This morning before I went to sleep, I had every intention of breaking it off with Johnson. It was just a thought, a consideration, an analyzed situation. Why out of nowhere? Well, because...I feel as if myself as a whole am not stable to be in a relationship. I'm corrupted and broken, and pieces of me are still missing so I just felt as if I should be at my best first so I can offer someone the best of me. But then I realized, I will always be broken, I will always be corrupted. There will always be pieces missing in my life, and that's not something I can change. I can only better myself from there. And if I'm worth it, he'll stay by my side through my bad times and good times. Who knows how long it will take for me to fully recover, and I don't want to miss out on love, let alone miss out on being with him. Yeah it's going to be tough, it's going to be hard, but I want to work it through with him each and everyday and have my feelings grow for him. I don't want to stop myself from falling for him. I tend to do that to every guy. I limit myself how much I can feel for them and I don't allow my feelings to grow for them more, but I should give this a try. I should let myself be happy.

Hi world I'm back,

And I'm ready to truly pour out my heart. I know I always put up a front like everything's fine and smooth sailing and that I'm tough all the time like nothing hurts, but it's not even like that. I don't know what's going on with my life lately, or even with me, but I feel completely lost. I have no idea who I am anymore...I'm completely broken on the inside. And I have been. And to be honest, I don't know who I am anymore. I am boring, I have no personality, I have no purpose. What and who have I become? My mentality in life was to live life on the edge, just make sure I don't fall. But I'm nowhere close to living on the edge. I was ruthless and reckless and I could care less what the world thought of me. Now, I feel as if the whole entire world is watching me and I try to be the good girl all the time. I mean, can't I have fun, be ruthless, be reckless and crazy and still be the good girl? Or does it never work that way? I can't ever seem to balance anything in my life or get my priorities straight. That's something I won't ever know about; balance. I'm eager to change myself for the better but I don't even know how. I'm trying to identify the problem I have with myself and in my life and take initiative to change it, but possibly, my problem is just me. I'm not happy anymore...I haven't been for a long time. And to be honest, I never felt so lonely and broken in my life.

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key.”

—	Elizabeth Wurtzel