"What screws us up in life is the picture in our head of how it's supposed to be."

I know I say that I don't care when people asks, but part of me, deep down, I really do. I know there's no rush or anything, and most of the time, I try not to rush things myself because I don't want to get attached or to seem needy, I don't want to seem clingy, I don't want to seem demanding, but I can't help that in the back of my head, I don't feel like it's going to go anywhere. I don't feel like I'm even a for sure thing. I know its been only four months, and although I know it's just a "title," I just can't help but wonder if I'm just waiting around for nothing to happen.

You know, I hate when society does that. They make us think that something is okay, so then we have to adapt to it and disregard all of our beliefs because we don't want to feel ashamed for feeling the way we do. We don't want to seem crazy so we try to convince ourselves that we're not entitled to be bother or to feel hurt. I never want to be ashamed of my feelings so I try not to have any.

I mean, there are days where I wake up and I don't even think about it. But when people ask me if I think it's ever going to happen, I don't know what to say. Supposedly it's going to happen, but I don't even know when. Four more months from now? A year from now? I haven't seen any signs of it happening except the reassurance words of,"I'm still trying to figure out ways to do it." But why something that natural has to take so much time? I know that it'd be nice for it to be perfect, but I don't want perfect. I want real. There's no better timing than right now. You wait too long and you put so much into it, and it's just going to tire you out. I try to tell myself that the longer you wait, the more worth it it is. I tell myself that maybe the reason why this relationship is working so well right now because it's not like the others. That doing things differently from the "usual" is exactly what I need in order to achieve different results. There's a reason why my relationships in the past failed, probably because they all started out the same way. I was never the girl who loves first, and it was others who pursued me. I try not to think that in this relationship, I'm the only one who tries to pursue the other. I have too much pride for that.

I don't think ever in my life I have ever let go of so much pride and ego for someone. Never have I cared more about being forgiven and forgiving than being right. That says a lot. But does that make me desperate for setting aside everything to make it work?

That's what I hate too. The questions you ask yourself, the answers you give yourself, the scenarios you make in your head and thinking it has already happened. I hate that. I hate being at war with myself.

Me and the handsome man :-*

It's crazy to think about it sometimes. How we wounded up together. We've been friends for so long, and that's all that we knew how to be to each other. But now, he's not just my good friend, he's this wonderful and kick ass guy I'm dating. We became a big part of each other's lives shortly this year due to the events in our lives that pulled us together. Sometimes when we're both laying in bed, he always talks about the day that started it all. Above and Beyond. Sometimes I tell him how surreal it all feels. Like, are we really doing this? Are we really trying? Are we really dating? It honestly does not get any realer than this. I haven't been this happy in such a long time, and at the same time, this has never felt so right.

After my relationship was over with my ex-boyfriend whom I was in love with. I was always skeptical of relationships, and I prided myself with being too proud for love, and being too independent to be in a relationship. I It so happens that my previous relationship with my ex recently, it just showed me what I did and did not want. After it ended, it really opened my eyes to a lot of things. With this relationship, I get so scared to be too happy so at times. That old part of me who wants to be on her own comes back. But Josh pulls me back and calls me out on all of my bullshit. I have NEVER had anyone that called me out on my bullshit and told me to trust them. He challenges me, and I think that's wonderful. I had to deal with a lot of unnecessary drama because of him, but in the end, it's all worth it. In the end, I got the person I want, and fortunately enough for me, they want me back.

Everyday that we wake up together, I am greeted by his presence and every night we fall asleep I am wrapped up in his arms. It's just so safe. The last thing I hear is his breathing or snoring. I don't mind it one bit having this guy snore in my ears as we spoon away into deep sleep. I don't mind it at all.

It scares me to be too happy...I am such a pansy because I'm afraid that if I get attached, I'll give him the power to hurt me. It took me awhile to realize, I'm not the only one who's putting my heart on the line. The days I spend being scared and fearing the unknown, the more time I'm wasting. He kind of makes being scared a journey, an adventurous journey I might add.

Like crazy♥

Sometimes, all it takes is one person to change your mind about everything you didn't believe in.

I know it sucks that in the past, I didn’t try the best of my ability to be the girlfriend that certain wanted me to be. I was always my own person, and did whatever I wanted to do based on my attitude and how I felt about that person. Not saying that’s who I generally am, or that’s the type of girlfriend I am and have always been, and always will be. I just think that different people bring out different sides of you, and sometimes, they bring out the best in you as well.

I cannot fathom how happy I’ve been lately. I also cannot fathom even more how afraid it makes me. I am afraid of being too happy, I’m afraid of getting used to this feeling because I don’t want to get too attach. The thought of having something then have it pulled out from right under you makes me want to take two steps back so I don’t end up getting hurt. I’ve always considered myself unlucky, but at the same time, completely blessed. The randomest unpredictable bullsh*t would always happen to me. And of course it scares the bajeezus out of me.

I’m not one to talk about my relationship to anyone. I like to keep my relationship with my significant other very private. I don’t like the idea of people knowing my business when it’s not their business, or knowing things I, or my significant other did not share with them. I feel like when people know a little, or too much of your relationship, it could either be a bad or a good thing. Most of the time, it’s bad though. I don’t really know anyone who speaks of another person(s) relationship in a good way, but I’m talking from personal experience. I guess it just matters about who you share and tell things to. The people whom I love and care for dearly in my life, and trust them, I don’t ever mind telling them about my relationship with Josh. For one, it’s because I’m so happy with him that I want to just tell someone about it, or share my happiness with the ones who care about my happiness in the first place.

He makes me want to put my pride aside, and not be scared to feel or sound stupid. I’m a really stubborn and prideful person, which I hate sometimes, but when I let someone in, when I let my guards down, it takes me a lot to do so. Although I’m scared for a lot of things, and what the future has to hold, every part of me doesn’t mind.

What-ifs and maybes,

I'm afraid to be too happy, of course I am. I don't want to get too used or attach to something because I know how it feels to have it one day then the next you don't. I've always prided myself with being too proud for love, and being on my own. I know I have to take some risks, and risk getting my heart broken if I want to achieve something beautiful. I'm just not sure if I want to put myself through that if it doesn't work out. I know, I know. There should not be any what-ifs, or maybes, but, I'm scared ya'know? I am so happy right now.

I've always considered myself unlucky. I'm one of those happy-go-unlucky people. Bad things happen to me almost all the time but I just shake it off. I know tough times don't last forever. But that's why I'm so afraid to be happy because I know it won't be for too long when everything I worked for will get pulled from right under me.

Pretending that I'm not scared has always been such an easy thing for me to do. For once though, I want to be scared and have someone tell me it's going to be okay without me having to convince myself that it will be.